My wife had an affair..

[ktfo]

No I nkow it's 50/50.. I'm not blaming her for everything, but the going outside the marriage part is what I meant.

as I told her, if we are going to do this :WE need to have a better marriage. WE need to work on US individually and together. It's a team. I take full stock in my shortcomings, man enough to admit it. But she has to be willing to too.

I'm a humble man, I am not perfect. I have plenty of faults. I also have always tried to be the best husband and father.

[Azzork]

I'm trying to save this marriage with hope we'll be better, but I don't think she'll ever be willing on trying to work on her issues... she has no desire to try to do for me emotionally or physically.

OK. So you wrote this. Where exactly is SHE in all of this? Is she interested in repairing your marriage? Is she pushing towards separation?

We all want to help you, but Im not positive all of the details of your situation yet.

[ktfo]

I'm trying to save this marriage with hope we'll be better, but I don't think she'll ever be willing on trying to work on her issues... she has no desire to try to do for me emotionally or physically.

OK. So you wrote this. Where exactly is SHE in all of this? Is she interested in repairing your marriage? Is she pushing towards separation?

We all want to help you, but Im not positive all of the details of your situation yet.

Sorry, I was rushing to write all of this morning before work. She says she wants this to work. She says she chose me and new she messed up when she did it. The problem I have is, I'm not sure she's willing to do what it would completely take for the both of us to be happy again. I know it's going to take time and I hope it does, because I truly love her but I think she's so stubborn and really is a : well you just have to deal with it instead of coming to a compromise. I've tried to talk to her for years, to try to improve US. I've tried to spark the relationship, I've tried alot but she's not really willing to do this stuff. I've had her brothers and father even apologize to me LOL
It takes 2. I'm willing to try and forgive her, and try to reestablish our bond. but as I said to her, we had issues before this, I thought of leaving because I think she is incapable of working on her/me/us. Doing for each other, in all ways! Simple things like: gifts even small ones during the holidays, I've not received one in 8 years. Anniversary anythings even a card would be nice... I've been an after thought to her for a long time, but she maintains she loves me.

[Azzork]

She says she wants this to work. She says she chose me and new she messed up when she did it.

OK. Saying it is one thing. Taking actions to actually show this is another thing. What is she doing to let you know she is serious? From what you describe, it sounds like she is hoping this just "goes away".

The problem I have is, I'm not sure she's willing to do what it would completely take for the both of us to be happy again. I know it's going to take time and I hope it does, because I truly love her but I think she's so stubborn and really is a : well you just have to deal with it instead of coming to a compromise. I've tried to talk to her for years, to try to improve US. I've tried to spark the relationship, I've tried alot but she's not really willing to do this stuff. I've had her brothers and father even apologize to me LOL

Youve tried doing a lot with or for HER. What have you done for yourself? Have you thought about her love languages - are you trying to speak through those?

It takes 2.

False.

So very much incredibly false.

It starts with YOU. You need to change the way you interact with her. You need to work to push her "positive" buttons. THEN, you can start to see changes in her.

But you do not need her to start the process.

I'm willing to try and forgive her, and try to reestablish our bond. but as I said to her, we had issues before this, I thought of leaving because I think she is incapable of working on her/me/us. Doing for each other, in all ways! Simple things like: gifts even small ones during the holidays, I've not received one in 8 years. Anniversary anythings even a card would be nice... I've been an after thought to her for a long time, but she maintains she loves me.

After you read DR (which you really need to do. I would read the 5 Love Languages. It sounds like, in discussing with you today, that you are very big on Physical Touch and Gift Giving as ways you understand being loved.

My guess is that she receives love in other ways. The book mighjt give you some insight in how to "reach" her.

[ktfo]

I'm willing to do what it takes. I've tried to interact with her in many ways, I don't know how to connect with her. We connected fine in the beginning obviously but it went away quickly after we were married.

As far as what have I done for myself? LOL I don't know what that means. I mean I train Jiu Jitsu, or I've worked out. I try to play guitar very badly, or bass very badly... that's it.

"OK. Saying it is one thing. Taking actions to actually show this is another thing. What is she doing to let you know she is serious? From what you describe, it sounds like she is hoping this just "goes away".

Well, nothing really we barely speak. I'm giving her space, I'm not crowding her as I did last week with all the questions etc. So last night, I came home at 9 she was asleep. We spoke briefly at jiu jitsu, just chit chat as she worked out and my son had jiu jitsu. This morning she sat next to me in bed for about a minute, then got in the shower. Then told me my son needed stuf signe in his homework book. She texted me hows work. Thats it. Not sure if any of that is helping.

When I came home from work on friday after i spoke to a counselor for me, we spoke I told her what the counselor said. My wife just said "this [censored]".. then we went to eat pizza with the kiddo and saw amateur boxing.

[ktfo]

She really has no ability to express her feelings or discuss any of this. She really has nothing to say, or is reluctant to say. When we were at counseling the counselor would say something basically trying to get a response from my wife and she said nothing. I think that angered me more than anything that was spoken there. She really said very little and what she said except for finding out that the guy was from north carolina and the realization that she drove to him. I was mad. This was when I drove around and realized that she may not have it in her to fix this, it can't just be me.

[Azzork]

I'm willing to do what it takes. I've tried to interact with her in many ways, I don't know how to connect with her.
Im not saying you have or you havent. Maybe google the 5 Love Languages. Take the test. Take the test as if you were her. See how they compare. Then consider whether youve spoken to her in THAT manner.

We connected fine in the beginning obviously but it went away quickly after we were married.
Well, yes. The dopamine rush of a new relationship wears off. Then what? Thats OK. You arent going to be head over heels gaga for each other forever. So how do you keep a healthy relationship of companionship, partnership, caring, tenderness, intimacy, love, etc....

As far as what have I done for myself? LOL I don't know what that means. I mean I train Jiu Jitsu, or I've worked out. I try to play guitar very badly, or bass very badly... that's it.
I mean, what kinds of changes are you instilling in yourself? You CANNOT be the same person going forward as you were in the past. That path led you to here, with your W having affairs. So, CLEARLY, something was wrong. So what are you doing for yourself to become a person that she would be a fool to leave? I dont just mean physically. I mean in all aspects of life - as a father, as a friend, as a man, as a person, etc.

"OK. Saying it is one thing. Taking actions to actually show this is another thing. What is she doing to let you know she is serious? From what you describe, it sounds like she is hoping this just "goes away".

Well, nothing really we barely speak.
This has nothing to do with her WORDS. Even if you were speaking, you cant believe anything she says anyway. Look at actions.

I'm giving her space, I'm not crowding her as I did last week with all the questions etc. So last night, I came home at 9 she was asleep. We spoke briefly at jiu jitsu, just chit chat as she worked out and my son had jiu jitsu. This morning she sat next to me in bed for about a minute, then got in the shower. Then told me my son needed stuf signe in his homework book. She texted me hows work. Thats it. Not sure if any of that is helping.
So what makes you think she "wants this to work" besides her saying "I want this to work"?

When I came home from work on friday after i spoke to a counselor for me, we spoke I told her what the counselor said. My wife just said "this [censored]".. then we went to eat pizza with the kiddo and saw amateur boxing.
I thought the counselor was for you? Why are you sharing all of it with her? Are you telling her everything I tell you also...?

[Azzork]

She really has no ability to express her feelings or discuss any of this. She really has nothing to say, or is reluctant to say. When we were at counseling the counselor would say something basically trying to get a response from my wife and she said nothing. I think that angered me more than anything that was spoken there. She really said very little and what she said except for finding out that the guy was from north carolina and the realization that she drove to him. I was mad. This was when I drove around and realized that she may not have it in her to fix this, it can't just be me.

This is so incredibly backwards.

Here are some thoughts:
1) You cannot FIX her. She has to decide to do the work on herself.I think you are seeing that.

2) It ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY CAN be just you. In fact, right now, it HAS to be just you. The first step is you improving yourself. She is not going to come back to or stay in a marriage that is identical to the one you two had before. And if she cant or is unwilling to change, then YOU have to be the first. The key is HOW to change - and for that, Id recommend getting the books so you can understand more clearly how to proceed.

[Dawgs]

This was when I drove around and realized that she may not have it in her to fix this, it can't just be me.

Some do and some don't. I am slowly coming to the conclusion to that myself. The only thing I may add is that take care of yourself first. It took me months to get to where I am OK and no longer an emotional mess. But, without becoming the best you can, it will be as Azzork says.

My W has allowed years and years of history - going back to childhood and early relationships (I won't go into that here, its all in my thread) - to damage us. She is so damaged to the point where I think all she wants is an escape route.

I am hoping for you and will be following your thread, so keep your head up! Work on yourself and become the best you can be - for you, not her. Whether she sees that is on her. If she chooses not to come back, then that is on her, not you. Do what you can to the best of your ability.

[ktfo]

Azzork, I found the 5 loving languages, and will start that immediately.

So you know, I am starting working on myself I have for a couple days now. So far I have a way to shake the "visions" and when I start thinking about the stuff. My buddy (talking about something different) explained the "no more, stoppit" technique. He explained the science behind it and it works. I am working on keeping my confidence, and getting my "happy" back. I've always been a happy happy happy guy. I'm trying to clear my mind, with little moments of meditation to speak to myself, clear my mind. Try to escape the feelings of loss and loneliness. I send myself messages propping myself up and such. I speak to myself ALOT. I'm working on me. It's my priority.

I can't make her do anything, it's up to her. I hope she's willing to do it.

Thanks I can't tell you how much this helps.