Keeping the door cracked

[beckyb]

It's becoming clearer and clearer that there will be no reconciliation and that I am better off.

H had a car accident and went to the hospital and he didn't contact me until later. Very unsettling but but I didn't completely freak out. He wasn't seriously injured. The truck did sustain damage and I suspect it will affect my insurance.

H is steadily moving the rest of his things. In the process I see that he was not dealt at all with his hoarding behavior. It may have gotten worse. Anything he thinks I am going to donate or sell he wants to "sort through". Even its junk. He is paying a lot of money every month to store things he will never use. He has a real problem.

He took something from the house today that he had to know was special to me. It's something he search all over the city a couple of years ago to find for me. I texted him, "I noticed you took the nativity." H: "Was I not supposed to?" Me: "I thought you would leave it for me although we never specifically talked about." No response.

Last week I got back on track with a few goals. I think I need to narrow my focus. Onward.

[beckyb]

"Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand new. It’s burting out! Don’t you see it?" Isaiah 43:18-19a (The Message)

[beckyb]

In the next couple of days my L will be sending a proposal about the sale of the house. H doesn't know what I'm asking for but he said he thought what we would each want is very far apart. He is stuck on the fact that we used money from a job buy-out as our down payment. He thinks he's owed more. Legally is was all marital property. I'm having some anxiety anticipating his response.

Luckily I'm in sunny southern California on business this week. I decided to have a drink and snack at the bar to practice striking up a conversation. A married older gentleman sat near me. I figured it was harmless so after a while I said hello. We had a nice chat. It was good practice for me. Plus the fancy blackberry cocktail was delicious. (actually 2 cocktails.)

[beckyb]

I'm realizing all the things I did to drive my H away. Honestly I probably wouldn't come back to me either. Unfortunately I don't think I'll ever get the chance to show him that I understand and that I can be different.

[gonegrl]

Becky, I am sure you are being hard on yourself. None of us is perfect. If he had issues with you he should have spoken with you about them and set up an appointment for MC. Not cheated on you. There is no excuse for that.

The blackberry cocktail sounds delicious.

Stay away from married men, they might seem harmless but haven't you been on this board long enough to know better! LOL! They are the worst.

[beckyb]

Pho, never fear. I have no interest in hooking up with anyone. I just need to practice making conversation. I'm terrible at it in a lot of situations.

There is no excuse for H having an A. And he has mental health and family-of-origin issues that complicated things a lot. But I knew all the things I was doing I didn't change them. Maybe I'm just having a pity party but self-awareness really stinks.

[beckyb]

Well, H has forced my hand and my L will be sending his L a divorce settlement proposal this week. This makes me sad, and mad. It's just like him to let things go so long that I have to take care of them.

I really need to get the house listed in mid-February. H has indicated we will not agree on a split. So I need to get the process going now to make sure we have an agreement in time.

My friend warned me that people change during a divorce. That is so true. In the beginning he wanted things easy - no need for a lawyer. Now, who knows what he is going to ask form. It's so sad.

[dday]

becky, I feel for you. W and I agreed on no L, and 3 days later she had one. Now, she has given me her settlement proposal and said that there is no reason for me to get a L. Says that we will just end up hating each other. If anything, her treatment of me will lead to that more than a L.

Apparently, people EXTREMELY change during this. I don't even know who this person is that I am technically still M to.

Keep it up, you can do this!

[beckyb]

Partly I'm seeing OW'S influence. I'm also sing his typical reaction to stress. It is very hard.

[beckyb]

Again today I got texts from the hospital indicating the ongoing status of some surgical procedure H was having. This is the 2nd time it's happened.

After a while I texted him: "Hey I got texts from the hospital again. Hope you are ok. Are they giving you a frequent guest discount yet?" He texted back, "I am fine"

I didn't ask what was going on, why I was getting updates etc.

I don't think he likes it when I am friendly. It makes it harder to make me the bad guy. The other day he said the negotiation may get hard and we should only text about divorce stuff. Except for the rare occasion I don't text him about personal stuff. Apparently he still feels like my communication is personal. Odd.