Huddy, you could just direct her to the phone company.
There's no point in you trying to convince her about anything, she won't believe you (yes, why does she ask, then... who knows).
My H is like that. He asks me questions, then argues with my answer, or starts a rant about the stupid rules. I've learned to just repeat over and over, "You'll have to talk to them (whichever company) about that." He'll rant some more, I repeat. "Yeah, I know. You better call them about it." More ranting. "Yeah, tell them that when you call."
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Thanks for feedback. I just don't want to come across as arrogant or condescending.
It has certainly set the hare running though. I came downstairs and her eyes were all puffy and red. She'd obviously been crying. She set off on a conversation about how she didn't see how it was her responsibility to deal with everything. I reminded her that if something is in her name she'd have to deal with it. W then started to list a load of things that she thought I should deal with and then said that I was 'happy' because I had found somewhere to live. 'You don't care about your kids, otherwise you'd have found me a house to live in'. Unbelieveable! I reminded her that the situation was developing because of her actions and that she had to take the consequences.
Then she started laughing uncontrolably. 'It's laughable. You're walking away and you seem to think you can leave your responsibilities behind'. Again, I validated and said anything in my name I would deal with. W then started to list all the furniture/possessions she would be helping herself to (this I'm not concerned about - the kids need a bed) and again tried to tell me how and when I would see the children. I validated again and explained how the legal process would have to kick in, if she continued with this stance. W reminded me of her solicitors views and I said that I would not be taking that advice.
Then came the gold. 'I'm going to review OUR situation in six months time'. Wow, serious control issues here. Again, I validated and said that she didn't control my feelings or actions anymore.
Quite a spirited exchange, but I felt good about it. I was quite upbeat (W interpreted this as me being 'smug' - I don't know if this is just nastiness, or if that's how it came across - worry) and felt really in control. I can see how my actions are now causing her grief, because she really wants me to fall to pieces. She even went with a rope pull 'Who is going to want a 50 year old woman with three kids' - I guess I was suppose to say 'I do', but what I actually said was 'I'm sure somebody will. It's sad that you don't feel attractive'.
I really don't want to come across as smug, but I feel so relaxed right now (god knows why, I'm still having anxiety knightmares). I finally feel I have mastered this stuff. It's only taken eight months, but I finally feel I have actually got down to real DB principles - it feels kinda good!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Hi Huddy - I would just keep things brief and pleasant. Say to your W - it's in your name - they will only deal with you, not me. This isn't about me - it's about them.
It sounds to me like reality hasn't quite sunk in for her yet. Like, where is she actually going to live??
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Ah, the homeless shelter. Her decision to leave, but, apparently my fault that I haven't found her accommodation. I'm uncaring, apparently, as I should see to her needs. Said that I wasn't being fair as I had left her to fend for herself and that going to the council was 'the only option, available to her'. No, the option would be to stay in the marriage!
She goes on 23 November to find out where she is actually going to end up. I'm just validating like crazy at the minute. I admit, readily now, that up to about four months ago, my DB techniques were awful!
I don't know if I'm wrong, but I feel no guilt, no neediness, no - well, nothing right now. I'm just doing things for me and my kids right now.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Huddy, You da man! I think you did a great job. You were fair, kind, strong, polite and thoughtful. She kept trying to lay a glove on you and she couldn't touch you. Great job.
Please don't think I am cheering for you to get divorced. Quite the opposite, this is your only way to salvage a new relationship with your wife. Be well Huddy, be strong
Hi Huddy. Just my pennies worth but your treading a fine line here. For me your on the right side of that line but I feel it's very easy to cross during the exchanges with W.
Confidant , in control and leading are attractive to W , smug , know all and tough sh@t for leaving me isn't. As I say you have t crossed the line in my eyes but maybe less convo when W gets nasty would be good
Again just my pennies worth Glad it's easier for you to deal with
I took the van home from work last night. I brought home some more packing materials. My W went a bit weird at me bringing the van back - 'why have come home in that?, Why have you brought packing stuff?'. It's as if she's in denial. I notice, however, she has packed the wedding photos away.
W then spent the next 30 minutes with her hand over her face. I couldn't see any tears, but she was shielding herself from something.
So, we're just over two weeks away from move out and the big question is, if my W said to me on moving day she'd made a mistake, and didn't want to leave, would I just let her back in to my life? Unfortunately, the answer would have to be no. Don't get me wrong, I want her in my life, but I feel she has purposefully ruined any chance at R and has made no show of making the M work, or, gave a satisfactory answer as to what is going on. The only way forward, in my view, is a spot of reflection and self examination and a willingness on my W's part to work on the M through counselling and mediation. I cannot and will not just sweep this under the carpet and forget it never happened. I just feel too 'damaged' at the moment.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Good for you, Huddy! I love H. I want him back fiercely. Would I take him back with an "I'm sorry"? - absolutely not. We need MC. We both need to show some real remorse. We need to learn new ways of dealing with issues. I never, ever want to go through this experience again.
I really believe your life is changing for the better. You're aware now of what will and will not work for you. You're demanding respect by your responses and actions. Women love a man they cannot trample upon.
Keep up the good work. Calm and strong. That's you!
