You're not abusive, the talking doesn't work, you need to think differently. She is manipulating you in to believing you are some kind of anti Christ with two heads and seventeen feet. It took me a long time to see how the manipulation would make me feel terrible, despite the fact I had done nothing wrong.
Look bud, you need to feel happy in yourself, that's the key. I know how you feel. It's like your left arm has been severed and you're flailing around like a fish out of water. You're hurting and confused. With this, you're looking at every reaction your W makes and then applying it to your behaviour.
My W has done the same. She'll leave out forms and documents that make out she's disappearing with the kids for ever and beat me wit words and sayings to see if she can get a reaction. After a while, you just shrug your shoulders and don't let it affect you. That's when you start to see the difference in your W's interactions with you. She'll start to get curious about what you're doing, realising she can't control you and make your life worse.
I don't mince my words, you know that, but I've been on the sad train and it's not a good ride. I'm not on the happiest ride on the world, but I am in control of the things I can control and I'm just letting the rest float on by. You can do this, but you have to start listening to some of the advice you're being given. I wish I had applied harder techniques at the start; I think I would be further down the road if I had.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Good to see you are taking small steps to get healthier. To be honest you really need to go to the gim at least 3 times a week and the rest of the week try and do some cardio activities. You need to workout with weights in order to strengthen muscles and bones as past a certain age you begin to lose muscle mass. You also need to work on cardio to burn off fat and gain stamina. Eating healthy is great, everything helps but you need to get your body into shape.
Something about working out gives you more confidence in yourself, going to the gim helps disconnect and helps you achieve goals. it gives you a stronger mental strength.
Growing stronger physically and mentally will help you greatly and will also be more attractive for women.
You need a balanced diet and I recommend taking some vitamins and stuff at the beginning to help your body cope with the extra stress.
WHEN you go to the gim, needless to say stick to the programme the trainer will set up and do not overkill at the beginning. Your body needs to get used to the work and you need to overcome the initial period where there will be more pain than gain. If you overcome this hill you will start to see progress.
One of the advantages of setting up a routine and keeping it is you learn discipline. One of the qualities you sometimes seem to be lacking.
Switching over to the abuse... To be honest I am often surprised by the stuff you pull out of the hat. From places where no one seems to have seen it coming. I remember Sandi mentioning this, everytime we seem to get to a point where the road is clear and ready for you to start you come up with something. Result is we then start another discussion on that topic. I just wonder what will be next.
For my 2 cents worth I dont believe you are an abuser, serial or not. I also think you dont believe it neither. I really think she is confusing abusive behaviour with manipulative behaviour and that I can associate with you. To abuse you need a particular quality that I do not see in you G.
Concerning the book thing underlined I find it intriguing and more to it than just a W marking some passages. There is something more to this. The fact she is with you still imho defends more the manipulation idea than the abuse one. She does not see you as a threat otherwise I think she would have walked. Unfortunately some women get really abused and still stay because they are in denial, totally afraid of their H or cant see any other way out. Your wife doesnt look like falling into any of these categories.
Switching again. I still see you have not GAL nor detached and still seem to not know how to. You choose the easy way out. Sliding and then admitting to it and repeating the same old lines of moving forward, needing to change, make a better ghost, etc. Some time ago I mentioned if your W looked at you before BD and now what change would she see? Be it physical or emotional.
You seem to have stepped up as a father, great. What have you improved as a man or possible future husband (2.0). What have you improved on Ghost?
I am happy that you are getting really great advice here, I just wish you would act on it a little more.
Your W needs to respect you and right now I feel she does not. I also think she is acting immaturely and is also lost. She does not come across as someone who has her act together. If I didnt know better I would say that both of you are acting childlishly. You for not manning up and taking the reigns of your life but whimpering how hard you are trying to do nothing and she for abusing the power you gave to provoke you.
TBH I sense more respect from Huddys W towards him than your W towards you. The moment you flip, act how people are telling you to without excuses or twists and learn from those who are advancing the better off you will be.
I think your situation now is just about action. I also think you are wasting valuable time trying to do things you never do and talking about things you never will.
So can someone help em to get my hard arround this
My w feels that I have been controlling and abusive to her and the children during our marriage yet she feels comftable leaving the children with me over the weekends and at night time when she works. She has remained in the house with me for the past five months and we have got along. If she really felt I was abusive would she not be looking to get out as soon as she could ?
She is talking about when we divorce me having the children 50/50 custody would she want for this if I was an abuser ...li am not never have been
I know this will mean days that I will not see the children and days that she will not see them and this really makes me unhappy.
Ghost, we have been over this before. Why go around this mountain again? Can't you lay it down and move on to something else? Stop trying to make sense of crazy.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
for the nth time, why are you even still entertaining the idea that you are an abuser. She has made it up in her mind and while it is true for her, it is clearly not the truth. So drop it.
I think we should be clear about a number of points.
No, its not that you are not the best DBer its that you havent done any since you arrived. Anything you have done has been really ocassionally and also recently yet you expect results in a shorter time. Eating brown bread, drinking mineral water, playing with kids more and going salsa dancing (how many times?) I dont see as actions to make you more attractive and respectable to your W. Maybe switch to break dancing.
You dont know what your W wants. You have always been sure about a number of things that turned out differently. Yet you still insist you know better. You even post the quote of the 50% of what she says and less of what she does but ... wait for it ... you still believe 100% of what she says and does. Why?
Correct, she FEELS she has been controlled and abused. I feel I have been a great husband to my wife until I saw I sucked. To feel something does not make it right nor true. Show her differently.
I feel she has zero respect for you because you have zero respect for yourself. She wants a man. You want the easy way out.
Finally, one truth... your actions to push forward are your actions. Not what people are telling you. Should the day come you each go your separate ways it will be done to your insistence of doing things YOUR way.
Seriously G, dont squirm, whine, cry or throw a fit, man up and get to work.
The sad thing is that if that day should come you will forever say you tried everything to make it work. The worse thing is you will believe it.
Hi Ghost. Just joining the others and to say after your last post , while its sad your W wants a D , at least you know and can now move forward for you.
Do what's best for you and your kids and let W to her own devices
A lot of people on here live in a limbo state , Worried that everything they do or say will lead to a D. You don't have that fear anymore so that's a plus.
Ghost now has a clear road to look after ghost and his kids.
I was told along time ago to pick a path and stick to it. It seems your path is chosen so no more analysis of W or her actions or words
Huddy is giving you great advice so stick with it Control Ghost Let W control W
exactly Ghost , fear is what hold us back. I was afraid to take my wife to court for my kids. Until i got the courage and the answers i was looking for thanks to a mens retreat. (which was basically about "stand up, speak up") Fear is something we dont easily accept. It says it on the No more mr nice guy book. Remember that book you advised me to read ?
We are in the limbo right now. Pleading is not going to help and will push our ww further away. So let's try a different approach. I mean why not? What do we have to lose? If you know our way of begging and being nice didnt work. Stay strong.GAL. I went out last weekend and I had a great time, I even got the courage to talk to some girls. I felt good and confident , something that has been missing in my life. Make her see that she would be a fool for leaving Ghost. I think is time to move out of the house, and get your own 1bd apt.
I see a good DBer, I see a man who despite all the confusion has been consistent throughout, he stands for his M, he loves his W and adores, cares for, and wants to live his life for his family and children.
Even if you go round in circles, even if you mess up, eat rubbish, and get down Even if you are confused about how to keep your M together, there is one thing I know for certain. Ghost you are putting in effort, thought and you keep on posting raw energy and desire.
Ghost wants his M, Ghost wants to be with his W, Ghost loves his children.
That Ghost, is enough for me to keep on giving you my very best.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/10/1511:39 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
