Need Help

[AU Bob]

Thanks Avanti
Im well on the road to GAL I have started going out again with friends and started some old hobby's and going to the gym. I switched gyms for two reasons one the OM "just friend" is an instructor there, and second it was just awkward trying to not be there when she was.
I have had other women ask me out, but I have been reluctant to do this, at this stage I just feel more comfortable going out with a group of people, I only took my wedding ring off about a month ago and am a little unshore about it still.
I don't think she has gone out with the OM on a one on one date, but he seems to show up at every night out with the girls and social gatherings she goes to and he even showed up at an open day at W's kindergarten, admittedly his daughter has started working there, although I thought it a little weird that a parent of a worker would show up?
I have my 50th birthday in three weeks, what should I do there? should I invite her?

[Cristy]

HelloBob,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Happy Birthday in 3 weeks! Whether or not to invite your wife is a really good question.

You are still wanting to reconcile with your wife, right? If that is the case, there is still much that can be done.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[AU Bob]

Thanks for your reply.
Im in Australia, and have limited funds, so a OS call may be out of reach at this time.
I still talk to her and had dinner with her last week. I only catch up with her about every 4-6 weeks or so. I still see her fairly regularly when she drops off my daughter after they have an outing. She has come around a few times for coffee, although she is still adamant about not wanting to return to the relationship, she is still enjoying the no strings bit.
I am really torn about the birthday thing, I don't want to upset my children by not inviting her, but my friends say I have to start excluding her from family things that are for me. I don't want to be nasty to her either, and make her think I am doing it out of spite. I just don't know what to do

[Avanti]

What is the worst that could happen if you didn't invite her?

What is the worst that could happen if you did invite her?

The answer lies in which is the better of the two and only you can answer it.

It's your birthday and she has gone wayward on you and the family so you forgive her because it's your birthday? Some will say "That's a bit weird, isn't it?"

It's you birthday and she has gone wayward on you and he family so you don't forgive her, many would say, "good for you", some would say "that's a bit spiteful".

In other words you can't win.

Maybe look at it this way, neither will probably make a difference to how she feels about you, sadly that happened a while ago, so make a decision and stick by it, be a man and start to gain her respect by being decisive. Tell you kids once about your decision and if they question you, ask them to respect your decision as it is final.

[Avanti]

You didn't answer the question about the DR book, have you got it, or is it on order?

[AU Bob]

No I don't have the book. I will have to order it. or try to find it at a book store. Wish I knew about it when this started!

[AU Bob]

Anyone else have any views?

[ATPeace]

Hi AU Bob

I am sorry you have found yourself here

I have been on this journey for the past 5 months and it takes time for things to settle and then it is about what do you want to do

I am finding out more and more each day and I think you will also but what I will say the people here really are fantastic I am not the best divorce buster however I realise I have made mistakes and I am trying to make things better however this is a very difficult process

I realised in my marriage I was controlling and something I have come to realise from making many mistakes is that I have to let her go let her make her decisions I was very jealous of her seeing a male friend I felt threatened however if she is going to do something then she will and me checking up on her is not going to make this stop from happening

So you will have to accept she is on a journey we are all here with mostly the same basis and as hard as it will be I know I really struggle read my threads if you don't believe me ....you have to give her the freedoms to make her decisions

I am trying to take my own advice

I hope and pray that things work out for you ghost

[AU Bob]

Thanks Ghost 56
Yes I could not afford to see a relationship coach and this really set me back, I made all the classic mistakes.
I'm just focusing on the GAL at the moment and it has taken me this long to realise I just need to let her go and focus on myself.
The problem is things come up day to day and when you don't have the answer as to how to handle a situation you tend to do the wrong thing cause you try to follow logic, but that seems to be precisely the wrong thing to do, its so confusing, and frustrating!

[Enigma]

Thanks Ghost 56
Yes I could not afford to see a relationship coach and this really set me back, I made all the classic mistakes.
I'm just focusing on the GAL at the moment and it has taken me this long to realise I just need to let her go and focus on myself.
The problem is things come up day to day and when you don't have the answer as to how to handle a situation you tend to do the wrong thing cause you try to follow logic, but that seems to be precisely the wrong thing to do, its so confusing, and frustrating!

Yes I understand what you mean. I think we put too much into overthinking events too sometimes because we don't want to stir the water too much. Problem is... our wives have fired us as husbands already. In their minds, they have moved on and there is nothing that can fix the marriage. We still tend to stay in "fix" mode and tip toe around our wives feelings. And I don't think you're trying to follow logic when handling a situation you don't know the answer to, you're just being human and doing what you believe to be right and natural.

I think what you said about focusing on you and GAL are all you can control at this point. Out of all the things that have gone wrong, I realize this has been essential at keeping my head above water.

Hang in there mate as things will get better over the course, just takes time. There will be ups and downs, but the path slowly goes upwards in the long run.

Cheers.