Time to let go ....How (4)

[vise82]

Hey OTW,

Try to have fun at the wedding. It will be good for you to get out.

[Enigma]

Hi OTW,

Just want to say as I've caught up on your S, I think you've done a tremendous job. This is not easy by any means, and you being a great father (to which your kids have a great bond with you) during this difficult time speaks volumes. I just wanted to convey this.

For me, I am busy doing things around the house to put my own touch on things. went and watched football with some friends the other night. I am having some upgrades done to my truck that I have wanted. I know i need to tighten up with money as i am now going to be paying a hefty support each month. This will be an interesting time getting used to the money situation.

I have also created a list of things i am going to start doing for myself, but honestly i feel i am occupied trying to get a handle on schedules and handling everything with the household i have not started yet. I am going to make a better effort after i get back from the weeding this weekend. I have mixed feelings about this wedding. He is one of my best friends. He was the best man in my wedding, now i am going there without my W. feels wrong.

I ma having a difficult time keeping her off my mind lately. It isnt as painful as seeing her everyday and wondering what is going on, but now i am wondering what is going on now that she does not have to worry about me watching over things or being around. I know this will get easier. I am going to really limit the interaction for a while as i feel the conversation regarding the kids wasnt the most positive, not that it was bad, but it wasnt the best.

I need to get out of her mind for a while. Wish i knew what she actually was thinking though.

I went through the in-house separation, then my W moving out just over a month ago. It has taken several weeks for adjusting to this new life. With your putting your own touches to your home, and spending time GAL really does help in the initial period.

But I do share that thinking of W more often than not was common for me as well, although that has lessened slightly. As you focus on you and the kids with W not hanging around, you will likely find you think of her less and less based on your enjoyment with kids. When you don't have kids, GAL is awesome again to take your mind from wandering. You appear to be on this track anyways which is great.

Again I know difficult, but try not to let your mind wander too much at the wedding and have fun.

One thing that helps me get through dark times is thinking what I am grateful for after I have allowed myself to feel my negative emotion. My S2 is definitely where I start and then I find myself with a bit of a smile.

Take care.

[gs9]

OTW,
Have fun at the wedding. Stay out of her head. It's dangerous up there. She isn't thinking anything she is running on pure emotions and emotions are fickle. They come and go. Try not to worry about what she is or isn't doing. I know it's hard but focus on you, bettering you, having fun with the kids and having fun with your friends.

[otw]

just some updating

Was still without the kids the other day, but they had swim lessons starting that evening and W teaches a class when they would start. I told her to bring the kids to me and i will feed than and take them over. I would be at the swim lessons either way the whole time and any chance to see them more i am taking. I battled with feeling i am helping her, but i disregarded and thought of my kids only. W said she would call after her class. She did and said she was going to the gym. My mind was blown that she would not even go to her childrens first swim lessons. I just said ok and got off the phone. She showed up after it was over to pick them up. S4 of course was not happy about this. I have to direct his attention elsewhere and get him to go with her. They were coming to my house the next morning and tried to get him excited for this.

I headed to the gym after they left, and just thought i can do things for them and then take care of myself while she is so selfish and just does things for herself. Pushed it out of my mind as OH well.

Got home and had a bunch of stuff to do and called them to say good night, S cried again. I did not sleep at all, I have a bit of a cold and was coughing all night.

Exhausted but excited the next morning as the kids were coming over for the next few days. They got there and we got some stuff done and them headed back home to relax a bit. We ate some lunch then headed to pick up W's best friends S to take them all golfing. They had a blast. it is so weird that i still interact with the friend and her son but i dont mind.

Dropped friends son off and then took care of dinner.

W called kids twice yesterday and the conversations are so short, like she has nothing to say and neither do they.

I have been doing better not thinking about her too much. I know the kids are not that happy at her place. She always seems stressed when they are there. She will never admit that though.

Her an I have had really no communication still. Just a few small words about kids and schedule nothing else.

I leave tomorrow morning for the wedding in ATexas. should be a good break. I will miss the kids, I am not telling them until after i am gone where i am. Last time itried to leave town they flipped out. They are to be with W while i am gone anyway. I will be back in time to get them as usual anyway.

I am not sure what will happen with us moving forward. I dont think she misses me at all to be honest. Then again i have no way of knowing either. I am just working on being me and the best dad ever. My kids reassure me of this daily and it makes me feel so good.

that is prob all until i get back. I am reading every ones situations and sending a prayer out ot all!

[otw]

Another Journal entry.

Well went to the wedding friday and over the weekend. Was great to see so many old friends and enjoy myself. It was a bit of a mix. I had a great time, but I also knew a lot of people know my situation and some beat around the bush asking questions and others just asked me straight out. It was difficult to talk about but i did. There were wives there talking to me about everything and it is so funny to see how different they treat me now. I actually start hearing their thoughts about me and how they thinnk W is insane for this. Made me feel good to know that women see me as attractive and a great person. I wouold share some of the things i learned about myself and M in general with whoever i spoke to.

I must say that i did get plenty of attention while i was there from the females, and while it made me feel good I really would have loved to have W there to share the time with. The hard parts were listening to the preacher then all of the speeches, they just touched on aspects of marriage and how it is a forever thing. I just wished W could hear this kind of stuff.

I actually had to give a toast at the rehearsal dinner and was a bit odd since i would typically mention aspects of being married or would mention W in the toast, but this time I had to go a different route.

Was really excited to get back and see the kids. W dropped them off and she stood out side the front door the entire time. I think this has something to do with the fact that apparently she tried to bring the kids by my house Saturday to get ipads and realized her keys no longer work and her garage door opener does not work either. She didnt mention anything but D7 did while she was there. I brushed it off. Apparently S4 has been asking a lot if W will move back home and telling her he wants to. She answers him with a no. That kind of hurts to hear but i am putting not a lot of thought into it.

ANother interesting event was that W and kids had dinner with my mother Saturday evening. S4 has been bugging granny to take him to get something she has promised him so she tried to make plans to meet up and then they decided to eat together.

Now my mother has been having a hard time with everything and is definitely more angry than myself about the situation but she did great and did not mention anything about what is going on. I do need her to be able to do this as she needs to be involved in the kids lives and no matter what happens be able to not get upset with W.

So this week i need to sort out Thanksgiving. I am not sure what W is thinking yet but we will see.

For myself, I need to get busy with my lists of things i want to do around the house and things for myself, but i have found myself very busy with just the day to day that i have not yet.

I havent been sleeping as well lately either. Not sure why, but I am not thinking on everything just cant sleep.

Not sure i am any further with the detachment. I think i am still trying to fake it. I havent had any real contact with W other than kids exchange logistics. She always seems to put a little info about what she is doing or something but i try to not engage at all. I wish she would not do this at all because it leads me to thinking too much.

So i will keep on for now. I do feel at times I wish she would just leave the kids with me and go away. I think it would be a lot easier, LOL.

[gs9]

otw,
Fake it til you make it. Thoughts lead to actions, actions lead to reality.

Why does W get to decide Thanksgiving? If nothing has been said I think you should make plans for you and kids and leave her out of it.

It sounds like you had fun at the wedding. Please remember, W doesn't want to be there. Why would you want someone around who doesn't want to be with you? It's her loss. It's a hard pill to swallow but it helps me to keep reminding myself of this.

Your awesomeness and the work you're doing on better yourself is attracting other women. Get use to it. There will be more.

Keep being awesome

[otw]

G
thanks for stopping by and the encouragement.

I know W did not want to be there, i guess i meant that i wish she wanted to be there.
She is definitely not calling the shots on Thanksgiving, but i meant that we needed to sort out the schedule. S4 asked me this morning where we are doing xmas then said maybe mommy will come to our house.

[otw]

Wow. I am not sure if it was the wedding this weekend or what. But everything is getting to me tonight. W called to say good night to kids but it was late. I found myself wondering if she would call or what she is doing. Then she tm me to see if they were awake. I got them to call her. I heard her voice and it hurt. I had to try to walk away and not listen.

Afterwards I am thinking about her and got emotional. I really miss her. I thought I was doing better. Now holidays are coming up and I normally love them and all that comes with it. Things just don't feel the same

Just needed to put this down somewhere I guess. I have not really communicates with her in two weeks now. I wouldn't break that now. I feel she has no desire to speak to me anyway.

[mahhhty]

OTW - I hear you. I was in a wedding on 8/29 and my X-anniversary was 8/30. I had a good time, but I struggled.

Wonka posted a great thing tonight. Would you call and profess your love to a heroin addict while they were doped up? So why call her? Keep it all in prospective.

I'm not going to lie, when I am feeling the pain. I go to bed early and jump in with the kids. They are both cuddlers and young so I can get away with it.

[otw]

Thanks. I know it is all phases but the pain is just too real sometimes.

I laughed about the kids thing. I always let them sleep with me. I know this drives W crazy. I like the closeness of it and helps the lonilness.

I let them sleep with me last night so I am forcing their beds tonight.

Thanks for the words. Sometimes it really helps.