I did not speak to an L today, but I have a name from a friend and plan to call him on Monday.
You are correct of course. I am not used to putting myself first. I haven't done that for over 30 years. If it wasn't my H it was my kids. Don't feel sorry for me, I did it willingly. Just did what a good wife would do. So effing hard to undo and unlearn that behavior. And of course he knows that.
So the next question that you so eloquently ask is "what do you want out of life"? What are my goals, and my plan to achieve them? I need to think about that. Thank you for challenging me to do that.
I told my best friend yesterday that I feel like a failure for not being able to keep my marriage together after 30 years. She said to me, you should look at it as a success for having been able to keep it together that long. Most people can't. I feel a bit like a failure. I'm having a hard time getting out of that mode. I feel stuck. I feel like I have compromised so much of myself to have kept my marriage together. And I'm mad at myself for not being stronger. I expected my spouse to appreciate the sacrifices I made to make his life easier then you realize, he doesn't. Then all of a sudden it's 30 years later.
I accept your challenge and I will work on a few goals and a plan to achieve them. Thank you for caring and listening and supporting. Your wife is a fool :-)
What you did in your M was what I wished for in my lifetime. He may not have appreciated it. He may not have reciprocated. He may not even have accepted. But all you can do is play your cards, and you did what you know is right. No one can ever take that away, and you should never have any regrets about that, regardless of how it worked out.
Of course it's ok to be upset. I am. At society. The legal system. And the people that do this to each other. But I can sleep because I am doing what I believe is right. There has been suffering and injustice since we began. Our legacy won't be that we were spared. It will be what we contributed.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thank you! I'm speechless, really. I consciously worked very hard on my marriage, and you are right, no one can take that away from me. I'm just trying to get to a place where I can appreciate that, accept it and move forward. God help me! I hope I can get there at some point.
I have read much of your thread Zeus. You are doing an amazing job. I'm sorry your wife is in so much pain that she cannot see what you are doing for her. I'm discovering that pain makes people do things that are unimaginable. As much pain as we are feeling, I can't imagine the kind of pain it would take for me to give up my 30 year marriage.
Thank you again for your kind words! I really needed them today.
You've got your first goal lined up already, the opposite of this.
Originally Posted By: gr8ful3
...I accept your challenge and I will work on a few goals and a plan to achieve them...
Use the DR book to help you, it'll give you guidance on what areas to work on and how to phrase them to maximise their impact. Post if you are struggling or need inspiration.
Originally Posted By: gr8ful3
...Your wife is a fool...
Thank you, I needed that. All I've got to do now is work out the best way to help her see that.
Originally Posted By: gr8ful3
Happy weekend!
You too Gr8ful
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
There is plenty of room at the big house, I can offer wine and cheeeeeeeese.
You are more than welcome.
In general, I don't encourage others to read through my sitch, there is a great deal of abuse and distress there. I try to be authentic and open so that ithe is authentic self. You are not a newbie and have the sense to understand that some of my sitch is deeply worrying. I am in recovery, so there is some light.
My M is over and I have dropped the rope. I still stand for M and for V. I have not moved on although I am moving forward.
There are some thread parties too on V's threads.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I found out this weekend that my H can purchase a home by himself without me and I will not be financially responsible as long as I don't sign anything. This is good news. I still have a few questions regarding whether I have to provide any of my personal documents such as my personal bank account info or my pay check into, etc. and then there is the possibility that my H would only be able to qualify for a home if my income is counted. But I'm not going to go there yet.
I hope he will be able to qualify on his own. I will have to brace myself also for the possibility that once he gets his own home, he will no longer want to contribute to the cost of our joint home. Another unknown.
So this weekend, I have been thinking about what goals I want to begin working on. I have come up with the following. Avanti, you promised to review and provide feedback. My first attempt at goals are as follows:
1. Find an IC who can help me figure out how I can put myself first without feeling guilty and why I feel guilty when I do put myself first.
2. Spend at least one hour a week reading something from the suggested reading list or a suggestion from someone on the forum
3. Do some kind of exercise, at least 4 times a week for at least 30 minutes.
4. Learn how to meditate
5. Say a prayer for my H once a day - this is really for my benefit
Does anyone have any suggestions for easy meditation practices?
I plan to do a little reading tonight and say my prayer for my H. Thank you Avanti for asking me about my goals. Now have at it :-)
Great news regarding his purchasing of a house not impacting you. If he can't buy the place without your income being considered then don't let them have your information, it's quite simple, why should you?
If he stops contributing, move to have him removed from the title to the property. He can't act without there being consequences, it not your place to accept whatever he chooses to do and not do anything. It'll show you are detaching and may scare him into a rethink, it may not but that's not the reason for doing it anyway.
You goals look good, maybe consider (using your numbering above): 1. By when? Consider changing it to I have found an IC who is helping me to figure out how I put myself first without feeling guilty and to understand why I feel guilty when I do put myself first. Make all of your goal statement in the present, they are happening, it fools your mind into believing stuff. 2. List those you've chosen already to start with and add more, as and when others come up 3. Can you be a bit more specific? Lifting a cup of coffee to your mouth is exercise...how about something that gets me mildly out of breath such as... Also change it to the present, I am exercising 4 times a week for at least 30 minutes. 4. By when and through what method (classes, reading a book, online course...). I practise and would highly recommend non-spiritual Mindfulness meditation (Google "mindfulness meditation Oxford university Mark Williams"). I am learning how to meditate. 5. That is very nice of you. Why not expand this a little to include your family, friends and those who are important to you. Consider it you time for "giving back to those who matter". Also a good idea to a a timeframe too. 5,10, 20 minutes... I am saying a prayer once a day for...
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Still working on revising my goals. Had some other family issues to help resolve and have been unbelievably busy at work. Work will continue to be very busy for the next 3 weeks. Have been exercising 3 days a week for at least 30 minutes. One day aerobics, one day yoga, one day walking. Have not found an IC to fit into my crazy schedule yet. Will reevaluate the other goals when I have a moment to breathe. But I will get there in another two or three weeks if nothing else pops up.
Tomorrow, I will send my H the documents he requested to purchase his new home, with the exception of all of my personal documents that he asked for. I'm going to tell him that he doesn't need them in order to buy the house himself. I know this is not going to be what he wants and I'm not sure how he is going to react. My guess is not very well. The L I consulted said it looked like he was trying to qualify using my income as well. That's not going to happen.
Please keep me in your prayers so that I can maintain my strength and not give into his demands. I'm tired and some days just wish this was over. Whatever that might look like. Some days I think anything would be better than this crazy state of limbo.
