I'm not Scottish, but from about 230 miles further south, to the right of the UK. More clues, it's the biggest county in England and we are a bit bluff and no nonsense!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Looks like you got your charms with the ladies even online. So, my friend it is a matter of time and letting this same time to heal the deep wounds left from a horrible separation.
There is still the fact that even not seeing much hope with your M it is still a possibility of a wonderful reconciliation.
Time goes by, all things start settling and who knows, maybe the spark that was there one day start coming back and you may have your beautiful family altogether again.
Hope your W is a little better by now. The ADs should be working to help her to have a bit more consistence and think more clearly of the whole situation. If they don't, then she may need to go back to her doctor and find out if she needs to change, increase dosage.
It's sad to even think that people take their decisions without looking into the big picture of consequences. I see it in my XH most of the time. The guilt, shame, the turmoil of the whole destruction, financial instability, loneliness, desperation.
I really hope that your W get back to her senses. Life is not perfect, people are not perfect, but as a family we can find the strength to conquer it all. Maybe she will find this kind of value inside herself and will treasure what she built long ago.
About you, what can I say. Life will probably smile to you again because the ladies are like bears fighting for the honey. By the way, it just shows how many ladies like the "family guy", not perfect, but with strong family values.
Hope you and V can meet and have a good chat. It will help both of you. I love V and her sense of reality, always calling people out of their nonsense, she is a wise woman that has a lot of life experience. Please, drink that cold beer for me.
Hi Pink. Thanks for posting. Really down right now and I appreciate your post
Had a bit of a down day yesterday and EXW called and we somehow ended up talking for 40 mins. She started to say she was unsure about her future and what choices to make. I hadn't slept and couldn't STFU I asked her what choices she thought she had and she admitted she had none. She then said she is unhappy and I said I'm sorry we ever met because she might have had a much better life without me. She burst into tears and told me she doesn't regret our M , still cares deeply for me and misses me. She said she can't understand why she left her family and is lost. I told her I truly hoped she would find happiness but I didn't see us being friends anymore.
She then told me that she had been told that I was seeing someone for the last four months I said I wasn't but if I had been I had no doubt EXW would have been pleased for me. She went quiet then answered that she wants me to be happy
She said she wanted to be friends as she saw me as the person she could rely on. I said no , it wasn't really health but anytime she needed me re the kids just text. We said goodbye
About 20 mins later she called and told me she had sorted a small problem in the girls room. I said thanks and said goodbye. EXW tried to continue talking about the kids but it was nothing. I finished the call
Today I got a text apologising for how the call had gone in the wrong direction and how she cared about me and didn't want to upset me. She said she was happy in the M and didn't regret the years we were together.
I didn't answer and she then text something about the kids which I did answer
All this conversation just makes me realise what a waste the last 25 years were. I wouldn't change them now I have my kids but ..........
Sorry for the complete lack of PMA but it's just for a few days
What is it that's really getting you down? Why are you now seeing the last 25 years as a waste, except for your kids? Your sudden change of attitude seems a little odd from the outside, but then maybe I am missing something...
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Hi lovely, I'm just dropping in for a pep talk. Hey, I'm sorry to hear you've been feeling down. I think we all have inevitable ups and downs, and I do think you have been doing so well. Has there been anything in particular that has led to your drop in mood my friend?
Interesting that your W thinks you've been seeing someone for four months - that's a very specific timeframe. Did you meet the lady doctor around that time - although not have a night out until recently? I'm guessing she may have heard about the date perhaps?
It does sound like more of the same from your W, RD. I do think she seems to get stuck in a loop and struggles to move herself forwards. She doesn't seem to see that she has options, that she is responsible for her own future life and happiness - as are we all. This was the theme at our divorce recovery workshop tonight incidentally. When we S and D, we get 'custody' of ourselves as a given. How are we going to live the best lives possible, given all circumstances?
So, what about your future life and happiness RD. What does that look like to you my friend? Clearly your W isn't central in that just now (in the longer term who knows?) But what nice plans are you making just for you? What would put a smile on lovely RD's face again - apart from all the ladies fighting over you on your thread that is.
Keep posting and working through it. We are all your friends and are here to help. I"ve never forgotten that you sat and had a glass of wine with me the night I got divorce papers. That meant a lot to me and I'll always appreciate it. I have tears in my eyes as I post.
take care xx
Last edited by Sotto; 11/17/1510:39 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Maybe because I am in the same kind of boat, I can get it completely. RD has a wife that left him, has something weird going on with another guy, that she does say it is just a friendship and we all think it is, but who knows.
She left a marriage, a husband, her children and all this to be miserable. She then never stops crying, saying how unhappy she is, how horrible is her life, that she has no direction, no money, not a good place to live and the some extra troubles always find the way to meet her.
WHAT A HELL!!! Yes, a complete hell because it is easy to react to if the LS is totally happy, building their lives with or without someone, but happy, resolute. firm, consistent.
We don't see this, we see someone suffering with their choices. We hear someone saying how much they care for us, how much they love us, that all the years in a marriage was not a waste of time and by the opposite it was very important.
That they miss us and then they cry more and more.
Then what do you do? Go hard on that person and say get the hell out of my site? Look at then and don't feel anything like they don't really mean anything to us?
It HURTS... HURST AND HURTS A LOT... to see that we could just sit down, talk the real talk, and at least try once again and this time knowing that we took our M, R for granted and that we would be willing to put our part to make things better.
Everyone made mistakes, everyone fails at some point and disconnect from their partners time to time, but why we need to hear all the good stuff and yet they do not want us anymore, not even to try to see if it could work or not?
Some call this depression, MLC... I call this torture. I think I would rather be slapped in a face and left for dead then hear all the time all the good stuff, remember some funny situations, get the caring words, caring gestures and yet feel it is all gone.
If someone is experience the nice LS, then they understand well what is happening to RD. It is a deep pain to leave behind someone that still says "I love you", is to leave behind the family you once knew so well, the one that woke up besides you, that knows all your words, your smell, your touch, your good and bad days.
We had a good M, we did not have violence, abuse, we had a family with a lot of kids and a lot going on all the time. Our S jumped out of the wagon one day and said they did not want us anymore, just because... just because... and nothing else.
We are reaching that point were we know we need to move on, to look forward and keep going. It is also hard not to have the time and space for our pain. We have kids, we need to be responsible and we were left with the whole deal.
Our S left, they have problems, are depressed and can't handle any responsibilities, so it is up to us to step up and be there for the ones that have no say on this, no guilt on this, no fault on this.
Sometimes we feel we need to go away and be alone for awhile, to get our thinking straight, organize our heart, but we can't. We need to be there, in one piece if possible.
We need to make life as normal as possible, and then go to our room, tired, alone, rejected, and sometimes we cry, sometimes it is just empty, even for tears. Sometimes anger fills our heart with bitterness and anguish, sometimes we want to scream and bit the walls until blood comes our of our hands.
But we don't, we search ourselves, our souls and we decide to stay strong, that there will be tomorrow with the hope that it will be better. We are the strong ones, but also the ones that hurt a lot.
How to manage all this? I guess only time will heal our hearts and show us something else in life. RD does not want anyone in his life right now, he will flirt, joke around, but he is wounded and won't allow anyone to get to close to him.
Is this wrong? I don't think so, but yet it is like Sunny said, you could be missing out something better, who knows?
In some level I envy the ones that don't have kids, no contact, no nothing. Having the kids is a constant contact and our S have their way of never leaving us alone.
They made the mess and they feel the need to smash it in our faces all the time. Yes, we could just say enough... but then there is that thin line of hope, that they will snap out of their dream zone and sit down and talk like adults. But when? Is this worth to wait, to hope for?
Are the wounds going to be too deep, that there won't be any beauty left?
Is it time to call for a "Quit", are we dropping the rope? Are we ready to move on, forward, away from our spouses that are still ruminating around us?
If we stayed beside this person for so many years, it is because we invested in that R, because deep inside us we believe we would grow old together... and now it is all gone, all done. Is it? Is it really done?
So, I understand you RD, you are lost like I say: "Lost like a cucaracha in a dance floor". You want to move on but is still hoping that person would snap out of craziness. You are afraid of losing your time waiting on someone that left you, but you are also afraid of starting over with someone that you know nothing about. And among all this we have: 'THE KIDS", that are old but not that old, as a matter of fact they are in the worse age for all this turmoil.
Teenagers can turn their heads to the trouble side and a blink and then we will have even more trouble. And they are going through everything we are going through too.
If you are reading this, give your opinion. Maybe it is time to storm ideas and see what kind of action would be the best fit in this situation. Wonka said once to me that there are two kinds of MLCers and that my XH was the nice, crying kind.
RD, I hope you feel better, some of our friends will come up with some opinions about this craziness and maybe we call find some kind of therapy, solution, whatever it is, maybe magic to make us to step in this new season and still keep ourselves strong.
Com muito amor, carinho e um milhao de abracos. Eu gusto de ti e espero que meu carinho te encontre em algum lugar e te de a paz que tu tanto precisas.
I can't add anything to what Pink wrote that wouldn't simply be copying and not nearly as endearing.
But, I can tell you you doing your best in a crappy sitch and some days are going to get the better of you no matter what you write here, how supportive you are of other people in your real life and on this board. Some days are just tough Rd. You'er allowed to have them too.
I trust this will pass and is just a small step on your journey. No part of our lives are ever wasted either my friend, not one day passes that isn't part of your story or insignificant.
Keep your chin up buddy.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
RD, I'm just dropping in to say good morning. Pink, I think that was a lovely post from you. I just wanted to say that I've been thinking about you RD, and thinking how much I appreciate you on this forum.
Truly, you have so much going for you. Let me list some of the things. A celebration of RD.... You clearly attract the attention of women with your cheeky charm. You are a successful and savvy business man. You picked up the pieces when your W left and now run a house with four kids and various pets. No mean feat. You drive a great car.
You have a wild-side and love the feel of a bike on the open road. But you also have a gentle heart and love to curl up with your kids. You take your daughters out to get personal hygeine products. You cook your kids a roast dinner. You're compassionate to your W, despite your own pain about her choices. You're always there with a kind word for those of us on the forum. You survived serious illness with no sense of self-pity. You are funny and a bit naughty. I laugh out loud at some of your antics. Shall I go on....there is more...
So, this morning I just want to say - Hooray for RD!! I'm glad to know you my friend. xx
Anyway, must dash - I'm off today and I'm going to bake muffins
Last edited by Sotto; 11/18/1510:28 AM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
