A new thread for Eye-Tie

[Sotto]

Hi Eyetie, can I ask - do you hope that you and your WW may reconcile still?

From your post above, a couple of things jumped out at me:

You saying something which caused your WW to not 'stand the sight of' you

You texting your W saying 'good I don't want you back.'

These contrast with your shopping trip in a few posts back, which sounded so loving.

So, my questions are - what do you want? And why are you being so reactive towards your WW??

I hope I don't cause offense - truly I don't mean to...but it strikes me that you could change the dynamic of your sitch with your behaviour if that's what you want to do.

Take care my friend xx

[EyeTie]

Hi Eyetie, can I ask - do you hope that you and your WW may reconcile still?

From your post above, a couple of things jumped out at me:

[quote=Sotto]You saying something which caused your WW to not 'stand the sight of' you

She saw that I was happy and joking around. Seeing me happy makes her very upset these days. Especially when she is going through a difficult time. She often will say things like that if I am in a great mood and she isn't.

You texting your W saying 'good I don't want you back.'

For the last 10 months, she has gone to anyone who will listen and claim that I am trying to get her back. A few months ago or so, she finally realized it. Before when she would say "We are never getting back together" I would follow it with "We will see" or "Who knows". Thinking a somewhat positive reaction was the best answer, now I just confirm it and respond with "Good".

These contrast with your shopping trip in a few posts back, which sounded so loving.

The shopping trip was great. It was a fluke though. Kind of like talking about a memory that you don't want to lose. Neither of us really hate one another, she can act like it, but the truth is I don't hate her and I know she doesn't hate me. So it was more out of comfort than anything.

So, my questions are - what do you want? And why are you being so reactive towards your WW??

In a nut shell, what I would want is for us to be a family again. BUT not with her acting the way she does, she has always treated people poorly. She talks down on people. She is immature, she throws temper tantrums and often says horrible things she doesn't mean. BUT I know the real her, the majority of it is just a defense mechanism more than anything.

I do hold out a little hope that one day she will wake up and go "Hmmm" but at the end of the day I am not sure it will ever happen. As the days go forward, she gets more nasty and bitter. Would I ever be opposed to a reconcile? No. Would it be something I would jump into? Nope. Is it what I want right now? Not really. She would have to prove to me that she wants it as badly as I once did.

I hope I don't cause offense - truly I don't mean to...but it strikes me that you could change the dynamic of your sitch with your behaviour if that's what you want to do.

Take care my friend xx

Even now I still take care of her, I meet several of her emotional needs on some level. When she has a bad day, good news, etc I am usually one of the first people she calls up. Although I have been pushing it back a bit and have started to not offer it as much as I once did.

I think I just want to be happy and I feel like I am, I feel like life is going in the direction I want it to. Be it with her or without her.

[JulieH]

Eyetie

love love love reading your post! Hope you will keep updating. Seems like your ex has a lot of work to do on herself and will hopefully one day realize it. She is obviously really hurting right now.

I learned from your sitch, that if there is any possible way of WAS coming back we have to truly be detached, to the point of not really wanting them back. They can sense it too. I also learned by reading your perspective as a husband , that tempted as I am to make comments or throw " truth darts" or show any bitterness and spite (so hard not to in this situation) I am best off just being nice As possible and showing myself in good light. While I feel justified to do the former, it will only make me look bad and prove him right. Sometimes I feel like being nice makes me look weak but reading this makes me realize different.

although I have to say in my case I don't thing R is really going to happen anyway. Our marriage hasn't had what your marriage seemed to have (passion and affection) for a long time and my husband is not the type that would ever initiate anyway. But thank you for continuing to post even while your in good place! It's great having positive things to read.

[EyeTie]

JulieH

If my situation can help just one person through theirs, then it's all worth it to me.

My STBEW and I do get along for the most part. We went to lunch on Monday together, just her and I. We laughed, joked, I talked about my life and a few trips that I am planning (Disneyworld with the kids this January) and she told me about a few that she is planning. I know she is jealous of my newer GF (J and I are getting more serious and exclusively dating) and I know about her boyfriend P. I am not jealous of him in the least, my WW is a handful and sadly he doesn't see her enough to realize it.

I always thought it would take her completely hitting rock bottom for us to make it work. For her to be humble enough to want to give it a second chance. BUT I realize that she does have some serious mental issues, she doesn't know how to treat people anymore. She treats everyone like they are beneath her and then gets mad when people stand up for themselves.

For years I followed behind her making up excuses, which just made the problem worse because she lacked any accountability for her actions. Since our split, I have stopped doing so, which has changed a lot in her life. Now she has to answer for herself and it pisses her off.

A year ago, I never thought I would be where I am now. I never thought we would have been split up. I never though I would be living where I live. I never thought I would be working where I am. I never thought I would be dating J. But instead of fearing change, I slowly embraced it. It all started with the GALing. My thought is that if you keep doing the same thing over and over, you will get the same results, mix it up a bit.

For example. Tuesday next week, J and I are doing a "Wine & Art" class, I am looking forward to it. It's something my WW wanted to do, but never really put the initiative into it with me. Then on Friday J and I are going to take off out of town together, just her and I. My kids will be with my WW and her daughter will be with her Dad. We never do that, the kids are always around. I am not sure where we are going, what we are going to do, but I know it will be fun. That type of stuff was always lost on my WW, she had to have a game plan, there had to be a list, there couldn't be anything spontaneous or it was melt down time.

Life can get better. It just takes a lot of self reflection and realizing how strong you can be. For the longest time I wanted my WW back, but looking back on it, I realize I wanted the comfort of my M back not so much her. Then again, I do miss her at times, but it's fleeting fast. Her and I text almost every day, we still laugh and talk about the past. I refuse to be a bitter scorned ex (and I think even that pisses her off). I know of at least two guys she cheated on me with, one before D-Day, the other after. I know where they work, live, everything. The old me would have confronted them, or harassed them until they left my WW alone. But after a few nights of thinking about it, I figured why? Why bother? As much as I want to blame them for her actions, I really can't. It was her choice to cross those lines, it was her choice to cheat, it was her choice to leave. Not theirs, they could have encouraged it, but she is the one to blame. As I said, I am tired of making excuses.

Some time ago, J asked me if I would ever go back to my WW. I think she wanted reassurance that I was done and this is what I told her.

"In January, when we were still living together, I was in the downstairs bedroom. I was diagnosed with terminal stomach cancer, I was throwing up in a bucket almost every night. I would lay in bed, crying, praying to a God that I was unsure of existing, hoping that just once she might come downstairs to see how I was doing. To see if I needed anything. To comfort me when I needed her more than anything in the world. She never came. I wouldn't do that to my worst enemy, let alone someone I loved (or once loved), she did it to me. I may forgive her, but I will never forget that loneliness, despair and depression that I lived through in those weeks before she moved out." J understood right away and hasn't doubted me since.

Goodluck JulieH, thank you for responding to my sit.

[Fogg]

EyeTie, thanks for that last post, its helped me also. Ill be honest and admit something, for a long time reading your posts I had the opinion you went a bit too far with your interactions and dating. To me, it just seemed like you were being cold but I realize now that's not exactly it. I realize now you are basically at the point of moving on from W and might not really take her back anyway and that's the point that's helped me some, ill explain in a second. I read about some others on here dating and while I see its appeal at the same time I have opinions on it while still being M.(I also realize that could change for me in the future also depending on the circumstances)

Please don't take that as judging either, I realize everyone has their own feelings and opinions on this and we all have different sitchs that can effect it and I respect that. If this is what you want then I wish you the best. I would just be careful and take some time to really consider what you would do if W really wanted to make the M work, if she came back full of remorse with a full commitment to work on things and change herself and the M. I'm not saying wait for this moment because that's putting your life on hold, just be sure if it happened tomorrow you have a decent idea of what you would do, because the more and more you become serious with J the more she can be hurt also and I think she realizes it also if she asked you what you would do.

So many parts of your description of you and W connected to my thoughts. I feel W had mental issues also that she has to face one day, she is much more like her mother than she realizes. I also know how she is around people, she doesn't treat them badly but she goes neglect their needs and doesn't realize how she talks to people which can come across as offensive at times. Different, but similar to your W. I also know what I've dealt with from her over the years (caused by both of our dysfunctions) would send other guys running if they could really see. She is a handful when things don't go the way she wants. I would make excuses for W also and I did for a long time after BD also, I still do to some extent now but I try to limit it and be conservative. Much of my journey this year has been working on me and avoiding that scornful bitter ex by trying to understand W's point of view the best I can. More of it has been changing myself and who I want to be but with the final intent of having a healthy relationship with her. I know by my actions now it will need to be working toward a healthy relationship and not just having her back, I wouldn't accept just that. The major things I can say have been different is that I can see my W has tried to limit the pain inflicted on me over this year so I can see she still cares and its not just completely about her feelings. Adding in the medical issues you went through I can even imagine how that stacked up with the sitch.

Balance for me has been huge and I struggle with it in everything. I see some people on here after they move into the anger phase and they let go of doing the things that work to give the relationship a chance, mostly its patience and jumping to a new relationship too soon when they aren't read, becoming bitter and acting like an [censored] toward the S, trying to punish them. I realize I've not been doing the balance thing that well and I stay too much in the understanding W too much. I need to accept and embrace moving on with my life and the possibility of meeting someone else. Not set out to do it but just accept it more than I have in my mind. Its a much harder thing for me to actually process as I've never had any other relationship than W so while I believe I can find someone else to be happy with I have no past experience to show me how that would work. It may be that it can only understand when it happens, so I ignore the fear it might not.

I guess the roundabout about way of saying thanks for showing me I do need to slowly embrace things more than I have been. Glad to hear your doing so well with things, this may be what your W needs to change herself also and I hope she does. I believe its my W's chance to do it but I still don't know where either of us will be when that happens.

[PigPen]

These last two post, ET's and Fogg's are extremely powerful. Thank you both for your honesty and for sharing your experiences so candidly on here.

PP

[dday]

I second pp. Thank you both, it sums up what so many of us feel, fear, and are going through.

Thank you

[EyeTie]

Fogg, thank you buddy for posting. I know our journey's started around the same time and I like keeping up on your situation.

I initially started dating way too soon. It wasn't for me so I backed off and would go out casually with a few different girls. Everyone of them know my situation, most agreed that I was still a mess and I was, lol. You will know when you are ready.

My biggest issue honestly was hitting that point. Not so much giving up, but realizing that it was over and even if we put it back together, we never would have been the same. Accepting my new future without her and going from there.

I know a lot of people hate their exes, they are bitter and angry about it all. Frankly, I am not there. I refuse to allow that to happen. Simply because it would show an emotional investment in her or our marriage. Sure I do get angry at her about things, but not our failed marriage.

Getting sick really put things in perspective to me. I realized the way I was living wasn't exactly making me happy and I am sad that I wasted all of those years doing so. Instead I focused on the future. I prayed over and over for God to give me the strength to survive and heal, it happened. I live my life for my kids. I live my life for myself. I live my life.

This all can be a hard dose of reality, the best thing I can suggest (other than GALing) is self reflection and reading the books. You will learn a lot about life and yourself by doing so. As I said, getting different results means doing different actions.

I treat J much like I once treated my wife. I love cooking, so I cook for her and her daughter quite often. I send flowers to her just because. I slip notes or cards in her purse/car. All of the things my wife told me she loved about me, but for someone else who has never experienced it. At least twice a week J tells me I am amazing, it's a huge ego stroke. And frankly, I am happy. Happy for the first time in a very long time. Almost content...almost...

It still is hard at times though, honestly. Being a single parent is tough. Often I find myself stressed and doubting that I can do it. But all it takes is one giant hug from my daughter, one "Alright Dad!" from my son, one goodnight kiss from them and it's all worth it. My life is theirs and I am happy with that.

[JulieH]

Havhope

Sometimes I wonder if I don't want to leave this marriage because I am afraid of change. Or if I'm fighting for a marriage I never really had. Or perhaps I have had such a small number of relationships and I am settling because I don't realize there can be someone better for me out there.

I am tempted to date. I feel like it would be a distraction. I feel like it would make me less angry at him for possibly (probably) being with other women if I was with another man. How could I be angry if I was doing same thing?

I am disappointed in my husband for being capable of leaving his family for his in laws to take care of and support. It demonstrates his selfishness. I am not sure if a lot of my resentment and hypercritisiscm torwards him in the past was unfair or a response to some pretty selfish behaviors as well... I understand your inability to forget about how she treated you when you were sick. I keep remembering an incident, when I was pregnant I was diagnosed with cancer and had to have it surgically removed. (Thankfully it was early stage) 2 days post surgery he was waking me up early in morning cause he wanted to sleep and needed me to watch the kids. We got into big fight and he undermined the whole experience because it was early stage (didn't know this for fact till day of surgery) . He did apologize though. I had been spotting a lot and was just so tired and had been under so much stress. (Ended up losing pregnancy) Why couldn't he just watch the kids and suck it up? I'm sure he could come up with incidences where I behaved selfishly as well though? . Or perhaps at this time he was just detached from me and really didn't care. Regardless, it's hard to really forget and I was very resentful after this and other similar instances.

I like reading your sitch, because I want husband to miss us and regret leaving and for me to have that power back just like you.

I am told by some that he is giving me an out and that this is a gift.

[EyeTie]

That is exactly it, you were given a gift of a second chance.

When my WW left, I thought my world was over. BUT I rose to the challenge and overcame every obstacle that was put in my path.

As for dating, you will know when you are ready. I had people left and right trying to set me up with their friends/sisters/etc, I turned almost all of them down. I knew I wasn't ready for anything. BUT the more I GAL'd, the more I started feeling better about the prospect of dating. At first it was awkward, I was used to already knowing almost everything about said person. I found it fun actually, but for the first few dates I was a bit...off... The biggest issue I found were too many girls wanted to rush into things and the ones that weren't were not a very good fit.

I think that's one reason I like J so much. She is instant on taking things slow, she doesn't want to rush, she doesn't want to talk about the future together, one day at a time. Which is fine with me, it's great actually, lol.

If I was in your shoes, I would consider taking a class that you have always wanted to do. See what is out there and start getting to know yourself again. That was the hardest part for me, the nights alone. When I my kids were sleeping, friends were gone and I was by myself. That was when I would start getting depressed. So I did things to make sure it didn't happen.

You will get through this and mark my words, soon enough you will not even know why you were with him in the first place.

So yes, you were given a gift. You were given a gift of a happy future. Good luck and embrace it, JulieH