I'm glad you had a good time. Poor man/child! He had a temper tantrum. I wouldn't worry too much about the clothes being moved or the suitcase. Maybe he needs something to put some of his clothes in while living in the man cave. Oh, no! Maybe he's going to run away from home for a bit.
Stay calm and don't mention what you've discovered. Let's see how long it takes him before he'll say something about it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job- I could hear you saying that before I wrote to you! Lol!
Cadet- thanks for the reminder of Trustingfaith's links. I will re-read those. You did recommend them before but you learn all over from re-reading.
I have slept on it and now I know he is trying to trigger my fear. He knows I so want an in tact family for my kids. Thing is, I know he wants the same. What he does not realize is, I have overcome my abandonment fear.
As sad as it would be for my kids if he left, we will be just fine. He thinks he's a parent because he is a body behind a closed door. I know now that I can pull my kids through just fine. In reality, when it comes to their emotional needs I have been parenting by myself for a long, long while. And same goes for their physical needs.
Being by himself for 2 days he should have realized life will be harder for him if he moves out. He will have the kids 50% of the time. According to the kids, he was short tempered the whole time with them. Of course he was! He HAD to put someone before himself.
I did not let on about the closet. In fact, he had the kids clean up before my return. He was in his room all last night--never came out when I returned. When he came out to say goodnight to the kids I validated and said: "thanks for having the kids clean up. The house looks nice." He said "sure" cheerfully but made no eye contact and his body language is MAD!!
Here is the thing, going away gave me more perspective. He is less mature than my 12 year old for sure. I am going to start off year 2 building a better life for me and my kids. He can whirl around or leave. If he leaves I will be calm, kind and help him. Stepping away made me see what I really have on my hands. There is a calm that is settling in me.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
The time away helped you to realize that you and your children will be fine no matter what. Yes, your h is acting out and your 12 year old is far more mature than he is right now.
Sure he's mad. You did something out of the ordinary and it was unexpected. He didn't think you would do it. They like for us to stay right where they think we should be and never stray from that spot. They want to know that "mom" will be there always.
Let him stew. Maybe if he stews long enough, his heart will be come tender again and he will see the light from your lighthouse and come to realize what was in front of him the entire time...you, the kids, the love you shared and yes, happiness from being the people that you are.
Continue as you have been. Eventually he will have to ask you to something for him...but for today...keep the pot handy on the stove for that "stew". LOL!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job - yes, the trip away opened my eyes to SO much. When you live with your MLCer you can lose perspective right along with them. I have re-learned how to be happy on my own. I did not have one moment where I panicked about my future. In fact, I felt much hope and optimism. I have survived a lot in my life and I can definitely survive this, too. I just temporarily lost confidence that I could.
I typed this earlier and submitted it but it didn't post. Sorry if it duplicates. He created another song while I was gone. This one does not mention death or sorrow.
In fact, he says he sees flowers!! The refrain is: don't you see what you mean to me?
Three possibilities:
1. It is about me 2. It is about an OW 3. It is about fantasy 20 year old Raquel Welch
It is a horse race between the three...
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I'd say try not to guess what the song is about. You could be right, or you could be wrong. Either way, it's the wrong game to play.
Quote:
What he does not realize is, I have overcome my abandonment fear
Good job! The only thing here is that you're still doing it in reaction to him. I know it's early days, but I challenge you to do for you. i.e. overcome your fears for you and not just for survival. I suggest picking a self-improvement item, something you decide you'd like to change about you (if anything) that has nothing to do with H. I know he knows you after all these years and preys on the fears and weaknesses. That's just human nature. But while you approach those things that sting, pick something just for you. Just one thing each week or longer if it takes longer to work through, and work through it. Something you don't like and want to change.
Oh. And he's mad. Trying to get your attention. I usually equate it to an Alzheimer's patient. I noticed the similarity when my Grandfather (my mom died when I was a kid and was an only child. My sister and I took care of my grandparents.) They can't stand change but can't remember a thing about yesterday. MLCr's are similar to me.
Getting away helps with perspective? Say it ain't so... I say you found something you may need to explore more of and see how it suits you. I suspect it gives you a much needed break from the daily grind of MLC in the house, and gives you a chance to recharge. Explore away!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hi AJ - thanks! All very good advice, especially the bit about focusing each week on improving something about myself.
So, as expected there is tit-for-tat behavior. He went out last night 'til pretty late.
And the large suitcase he removed from the master closet? He packed it with clothes and it is positioned in the garage next to the trunk of his car.
I wonder if next, he will leave out one of those poles with a sack on the end. Lol!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Oh, I just need to vent or else I may say things I really regret. Co-parenting (I use that term loosely) with a live-in MLCer is so hard.
Yesterday s12 just came home in a rotten mood. Lots of emotions over the next few hours. He was upset about a few things dealing with school and was blowing things out of proportion. I am tired of having no one to help me with all these emotions from s12. When he calms down I begin to discuss a few strategies with him. H walks in as S12 and I are discussing. H takes the time to make himself dessert and pays no attention to our conversation. Then he just walks out like he is a hotel guest who does not speak the language. He has been checked out for years.
Later S12 is sitting by himself and it is clear he has been upset. H passes by and says: what's wrong? S12 says: nothing. Then when H leaves S12 says there is no point in trying to to talk to H about anything.
The self absorption continues on business as usual. He stays in his room watching TV all morning while I walk the dog, feed the kids, clean up, etc.
On the ride over to S12's game, H plays a CD mix he has compiled. (Thankfully they are not his homemade "death/sorrow/life is not worth living" songs.) Part way through the drive our wedding song comes on. A couple lines in, he changes the song.
All through S12's game H texts, listens to music and generally ignores the game. Sometimes he watches a bit when S12 is playing. There are times where other parents are clapping for our son where H just stares off into space listening to music. If S12 is not playing he pays no attention whatsoever. He does not support S12's teammates even one bit. He has the manners of a billy goat and the self awareness of those creepy stalker guys. All the parents see this behavior, of course. I want to reassure those around me and whisper "he's having a MLC and this is all VERY normal."
Then on the ride home he calls his friend and has this exuberant conversation about meeting for lunch. He is joking and jovial. As we all know, the MLC duplicity is astounding. H should win a Tony award for his acting abilities. He says the place where they are meeting. No secretiveness. Says what he will have for lunch. Lots of jokes. Ha ha. Maybe this friend should stay with us for 1 hr. to see the real H. H invites the kids to lunch (but he knows full well they are too tired to go.). He completely ignores me. He is masterful at this: inviting the kids to places he knows they don't want to go so he can check the: "I am a good dad because I invited them" box.
He hangs up and s12 says "dad is having a play date today." S10 either mishears or maybe not? He says "dad are you having a date? Do you have a girlfriend?" H laughs and says name of male friend and says yeah he is my girlfriend.
I leave for a long walk because I just feel like screaming every thought out of my head.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Breathe! You've got a grown up teenager on your hands. I know it's difficult to co-parent, especially when he's acting out. Why does he go to the games if he's not truly interested in them? Do you ask him to go? If so, next time, go by yourself and see if there is any change in his behavior.
Maybe it's time to stop doing things for him, such as laundry, etc. It's time to think about trying some 180's to see if something will work.
Your son was right...he did have a play date.
Breathe!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Job - I am SO frustrated today. I don't ask him to go to the games. He checks the schedule and corrals the kids so he wants to go. In fact, he is back to pretending I am not in the room at all since I set the boundary. So before the games he talks to the kids only about "time to go." He drives them to their practices, too. I think this is to get out of the house.
I haven't done his laundry since BD. I don't bake anything for him, do anything special for him, etc. I treat him like a roommate. I do make dinner for all of us and he eats that with us every night.
After talking to DB coach, I did 180's: gentle touches, offering to make him tea if I was making it, etc. But I just ended up doing more and he did the bare minimum while I continued to work like a dog.
Honestly, Job, the only time I noticed us growing "closer" is when I pursue and then put all the effort into the relationship while he kicks back and takes, takes and takes. He puts no genuine effort forth. I think when it comes to a R all he wants is the mother he never had, but with benefits.
I deserve better. I really do.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
