Thank you Sotto and Feyth. I really was in a panic. I actually ended up calling him and telling him I missed him. Just missed hearing him crack jokes and tell stories. He stayed on the phone and just talked about...nothing. Just told stories to me. Not good DBing or detaching on my part, but the party the night before left me almost feeling...comforted? And then he called randomly the next morning. Then that evening my daughter told me of her conversation with him...when he said I seemed happy without him (and she told him he was stupid).
At the Halloween party we attended (separately) I had a good time and did not really interact with him other than to return smiles he gave from across the way. But he walked me to my car and asked me to text him when I got home so that he would know I arrived safely. I did and told him the same. He did.
We both have been attending our mutual friends' child's hs soccer playoff games (again,separately), and are friendly. He walks me to my car and then calls me and talks til he gets home (I live quite a bit further).
It is very hard to detach. I have been quickly creating a friend base that does not know him, but I don't want to abandon our mutual friends...or their kids. I've always been like their "aunty". I enjoy that.
But I can see how not detaching makes it harder to be without him, creates expectations and fragile hope out of his nice guy actions, and ultimately leads me back to major down days. I really am trying.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I'm still working on detaching (tough time). I had a book recommended to me about co-dependency and realized even more how much H and I were BOTH codependent. It is helping a little with trying to break the cycle.At least, from my end. I'm one of those people that has to understand an issue from all sides and inside and out to feel I have a handle on it.
I'm learning that as uncomfortable and downright painful his moving out has been, it is a gift. I am being forced to face my dependency issues and analyze (and acknowledge) my personal shortcomings.
H has poured himself into his work.That is helping him to somewhat detach from me. He also has his family to talk to on the phone and his employees/friends. I have learned that although I have always been friendly with them and invited to social things with them, they are not really my friends.
I have sat near him with our friends (once again, mostly his friends/ my social group) at the previously mentioned soccer games. Today, win or lose, will be our last one (unless I decide to drive 5 hours away to the semi finals, which I wont). Ski season will also be starting soon. Unless there are some home repairs needed, H has no reason really to visit me and he will have some fun weekend activities. Well, unless he details his skis here, which he probably will, but in our shop. So I don't think he will miss me.
I have no choice but to try to throw myself into my own work (I'm trying to start a business with my art)and get busy with meetup activities.
I'm having a hard time with the holidays, though. Its always been us for TDay and Christmas, since we moved away from our families to be here. My married daughter has invited me and other daughter to her sister in law's husband's parents for TDay, but my younger daughter can't go 2 hours away and be able to work at 5. I've suggested an early dinner at my house and even told H he is welcome to come, but nothing is set in stone. I'm feeling a bit fractured...my whole family is fractured.
I'm thinking of asking H how long his lease is for, and setting some goals on independence based on that. Either trying to get a new job (on top of the only 30 hour one I love) or, if my business makes any money, just dealing with that. I feel that him writing me a check, although nice, is not going to help me grow. Just my thoughts for today.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Ok. H came to the house after the game to pick up his mail. In prepping to get serious about detaching, I gave him all of the bills having to do with the vacation home. This prompted a discussion of the R, which nether of us was prepared for. Rehashing the same old stuff...me stating my case for working on the marriage, him saying he didn't know what he was doing, etc.I could not remain cheerful or upbeat, but at least I didn't bawl or yell. I learned his lease is for a year.
I'm going to go to TDay with my married daughter. I will leave H and other daughter to fend for themselves. Maybe offer younger daughter brunch or breakfast. As for Christmas...we'll see.Starting LRT.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Every time I try to detach emotionally or try limiting contact with H, something bizarre happens!
Our whole area was hit with hurricane force winds Tuesday that knocked out power to 90% of the people here and caused huge amounts of damage everywhere. To make matters worse, we had temps in the teens and low twenties. Everyone I knew was without power. H and daughters and I were having to be in contact to update on house, apartments, and office situations. I had no power or phone and had to drive around to get cell signal, ice, water, charge phone, etc. H hung out at his office and invited me in as well...he had power there, but not his apartment.
On Friday I went up to our vacation home because it had power. H opted out because he briefly got power, but is now without again.I offered up staying up there and staying out of his hair, but he declined. We talked a lot about the crisis, how kids and friends were faring, what we were doing to pass the time and other things.
I got too comfortable again ended up mentioning R. He closed right up...stopped being his affable charming self and started with the single word, vague answers and replies, so I dropped it. Its interesting how quick that happens. He said he would let me know about office and apartment situations. I have power again at "our" home. I will remember not to pursue again.
Tday I will spend at daughter's in-laws as planned. Daughters, son-in-law and I have agreed on Sunday dinner as a family dinner so that we can all see each other. Invitation offered to H verbally, but he said nothing. Whatever. I'm done pushing. Every time I think I'm safe to bring up R,(I now that's against DB advice)he closes up. I'm learning I know nothing about this man after 26 years and that DB might work if I just have the patience and strength to try.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I started to see a therapist and she has listened to my story and given me some advice on controlling my emotions, but I am struggling. I can't stop thinking about H.
It is so normal when we talk...like before. And then he's gone again. He tells me he'll call and I find myself waiting.
The last time we met (he came to get ski equipment), I somehow brought up us. He told me the only thing that has kept him from filing for D is that he doesn't want to pay a lawyer anything and he's too lazy and a procrastinator. I don't even remember what I said in response. But at some point I said "fine. I'll just sit here doing what I'm doing and waiting for my next check (from him)" He kept walking out the door to put stuff in the car and kept staring at me. Not sure what his look was. Sadness? Confusion?
He then talked to me Sunday and Monday like nothing had happened. He told me we'd talk again before he left (he is taking his entire staff on a business trip to Vegas). I've heard nothing from him since Monday.
My therapist brought up Discerment therapy. Anyone have experience with that?
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Hello ciluzen, I am new on here today (for the second time though, I was here 9 years ago) and have just read about your situation. I'm so sorry about what you're going through and can understand your pain about the holidays. I'm in UK so didn't have Thanksgiving to go through but am in a total mess Christmas too. Still don't know what I'm doing for the day and my children are 7 and 11. You sound like you are doing very well at GAL and detaching to me. I know it is incredibly hard not to text someone you are used to being able to text any time you like, about anything. I am struggling with that too. My WAH does what yours does too. Acts perfectly OK and chatty unless I bring up R. Then he clams up and/or gets angry. I find all of this exhausting. I'm sorry I'm not much help, and haven't heard of discerment therapy but saw your "is anyone out there?" and couldn't not reply. I know that seeing a reply on your post can be a lifeline sometimes.
