Oooh BrightFuture, yes, those are some very tough issues for your H to overcome. Ugh. Sounds of course like your MIL also had very poor coping skills, too.
AJ- I just re-read your most recent long post to me again. So much good stuff in there. Thank you for taking the time to help me. Like everyone else here, I sop up all your advice. The bit about it being a badge of honor to be the person the MLCer transfers onto made me feel better.
And the paragraph about me having power and that I choose what to do with that really resonated with me. I think I am starting to see what H needs from me (besides the usual: consistency, space, patience, etc.). I need more time to work out if I am right. But it will take a lot of fortitude to do it. I can't articulate it yet. I am not saying it will repair our M. Nor am I saying that is my goal in taking this on. More, that is the right thing to do for H and oddly, I see that it will also be part of my own healing.
I am not ready to take this on yet though as I still need to lick all my own wounds clean first.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Job - thanks for pointing me to HRM's threads. Yes, her H is more in line with that with which I am dealing.
By the way, I totally believe in HRM's theory that the live-in MLCers toothbrush is a bellwether!
Get this one. When my H moved back into the master bedroom with me, he moved everything back except his toothbrush! No joke! I was really annoyed by the symbolism of that. In fact, I remember thinking that his toothbrush was deeper in the tunnel then he was. Lol!!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
News Flash: Just told my boys that I am going away for a day and 3/4. Despite H's deep rooted concern that I was doing damage to them by not telling them where exactly I was going, neither of them needed to be air lifted to the psych ward. In fact, neither of them even asked where I was going!! S12's response: I want a day off too (same mental age as H--all about him!). S10: kissed me and said enjoy your day off.
Here is something else I am seeing. More PA behavior. H's latest song details his victim status. He writes that he was tricked and cannot trust. Then he says the aggrieved man is backing away. I know he is still blaming me for that BASIC boundary I set.
But here is where it gets funny. He is quite paranoid. Each day he sort of booby traps the drawers of his desk a certain way. He left the "I am the Victim" lyrics a certain way, with a tiny scrap of paper just so, a dollar bill on part of the paper and a pen positioned a certain way.
How can I be sure he is in fact checking to see if I snoop? One day my kids had his phone and they were taking pictures of our dog and there were all these pictures of how his drawers were positioned and how his computer was positioned on the bed! BUSTED.
Last night I left something on his desk and he left the lyrics just so to see if I would pick them up and feel sorry for him and go pursue. The lyrics were booby trapped last night and are set to a different trap today.
Weirdest thing: he plays the song 24/7 so the lyrics are on an auto loop! I have heard them a bazillion times... I could write them from memory.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Oh my! That is too funny...but they do get paranoid and there have been others that have stated that their mlcers tested them to see if they were spying on them. You have to find the humor in all of this because he is acting just like a teenager right now. In fact, your sons are probably more mature than he is at the moment.
Have a good chuckle over this and keep moving forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job - it is so true. I can remember being a teenager and knowing if my mother snooped by how things were shifted.
I have started leaving things outside his door now even if it is wide open. The two scary movies he left for me, I placed outside the door. Today he left his door wide open and everything was positioned just so. He was inviting me to care!!
Too funny... I would love to get my hands on the phone, erase the current pics of the traps and reposition everything with new pics.
I am well versed in the tricks that accompany depression. When we were teenagers, one XMAS, when we were out of the house, my mother secretly unwrapped all her XMAS presents from us and then re-wrapped them! So like a child. The only problem was that she re-sealed all the presents with honey instead of tape!!! Not sure if we were out of tape or if she couldn't find it?!?
When we called her out on the sweet smelling, sticky presents, she laughed so hard and yet denied it. Like a child she thought if she wasn't caught in the act, we really didn't "know" she had done it. Lol!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
My H put little pieces of paper in his door jam when he was staying in the spare room. He didn't realize I could see his reflection on a picture when he would do it. Now he has video cameras all over his place. When on vacation in July, he checked the camera inside his kitchen and showed me.
I just shake my head. What a horrible state to be in!
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
LOL. The toothbrush. That seems to be the MLC symbol around here
The paranoia. Check. Seems to be part of it. The ILVBINILWY speech. Check. The spew or PA behavior. Check. Thinking they are hiding things? Check.
As job mentions, see the humor. It's like watching a teen thinking they are getting away with something, when you know full well what is going on. And they can be so serious about it. Like life or death depends on it.
But what they are really saying? To me, that's an action indicative of wanting attention. Again, like a teen.
The emotions are off the charts. I remember my ex thinking I was stomping around the kitchen to get her attention. I laughed and thought of the Telltale Heart at that time.
Looking back, it wasn't as funny to her though. And I realized along the way that no matter how much she blamed me (re-remembered things to fit the story as the MC called it). I recall thinking how sad that is. How, as she made up stories almost to the point of believing it and then wiping it all away and starting a new one, how sad it was that she felt she needed to. I'm a person that looks to motives. I'm not as interested in the result as I am the motive behind it. And it saddened me to think she felt she needed to that.
That went on for years after she moved out and remarried. Very sad to see the person I knew feel like she needed to do that.
What did that teach me? It was clearly never about me and she needed to fix herself. Whether with me or by herself or with somebody else, she needed to fix herself. Might still.
It's funny, but I don't wish it on anyone to be sure. As long as they don't stay stagnant, I think it works out eventually. I hope so anyway.
Compassion aside, can you get a special holder for the toothbrush? Maybe a superhero themed holder?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hi AJ and everyone else! AJ- I love you idea for the themed holder, however H is WAY too squeamish to leave his toothbrush out. He ALWAYS leaves it on the top shelf of the medicine cabinet with the door closed!) His toothbrush is in solitary confinement for all but 6 minutes of the day.
It's my 1 year BD anniversary--whoop whoop!! Was a bit emotional at times today, but it passed. It was the perfect mix of busy and quiet. I ended up having dinner with 2 funny friends last night and that was great. One of my friends has the zaniest mind and no filter! It's a GREAT combo--lots of laughs.
The night before I left there was lots of PA, glares and of course, the ever popular silent treatment! Listen to this one. For dinner I made this new kale salad. We all eat kale broiled in a little olive oil, but this time I tried a varied kale mix rather than our usual. H did not touch his dinner at all--like a boy having a tantrum because his mommy was leaving. In fact, he took his fork and lifted the kale like he was using forceps but with a real droopy expression. NO validation for those table manners! In fact, I jokingly said to the kids--this is what you don't do when invited to the White House. Even H laughed. Then I changed H's diaper and left.
Talked to my kids last night and apparently H was really grumpy. He snapped at them when he had to help with homework. And he had to cook--which he HATES.
Feel like I have to make some LBS resolutions for my "New Year."
Now, I am heading home/back into the MLC jungle. Let's see what H has in store for me...
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Just returned home. It was so great to see my kids! Missed them so much.
I saw this box out in the dining room and recognized it as something of H's from our master closet.
Came upstairs to master upstairs closet and H has emptied out 90% of his clothes out. He also took a really large suitcase out, too. I had some clothes on top of the suitcase and he just swiped the clothes onto the floor and left them like that in a heap.
Looks like he is either moving out or making a BIG statement. I think I am in for full retaliatory behavior. LOTS of anger, clearly.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
