Still Struggling with a plan!

[25yearsmlc]

I'm really struck by the profundity of these quotes and your insight.

I'll definitely read up on her work. This is growth.

Yes, I sure do wish we could grow and improve and learn life lessons without so much pain , but it seems as if the ordeals we go through in life are our biggest opportunities for growth and evolving.

I often wish we could "learn a big lesson" by winning the lottery,

but turning our grief, fear and despair,

into gratitude, joy and faith, I think is the big challenge when we have these ordeals or suffer losses.

I think you are really onto something.

[hopeOK]

I'm really struck by the profundity of these quotes and your insight.

I'll definitely read up on her work. This is growth.

Yes, I sure do wish we could grow and improve and learn life lessons without so much pain , but it seems as if the ordeals we go through in life are our biggest opportunities for growth and evolving.

I often wish we could "learn a big lesson" by winning the lottery,

but turning our grief, fear and despair,

into gratitude, joy and faith, I think is the big challenge when we have these ordeals or suffer losses.

I think you are really onto something.

Thank you! I think this has been profound for me to have stumbled onto her. Or maybe it was time... I don't know for sure. But I do know I have a huge shift in my thought processes and the amount of time I spend worrying and being unhappy.

This is another quote that really struck me of hers:

"The problem is... that you cannot selectively numb emotions... You can't numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects and emotions.... When we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness, and then we are miserable and we are looking for purpose and meaning. And then we feel vulnerable so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle." -Brene Brown

I don't think I was numbing with food or alcohol (although I have had a few drinks to have something to enjoy on occasion!) But I was searching for something ... some sort of purpose or meaning in my life. This is what led me to my miserable evening where I told h that I hated my life. I felt like I wanted nothing to do with anything that was going on right then... whether it was staying at home, homeschooling, being married, etc. Everything felt like it didn't matter anymore. I numbed out on fb or random internet sites. I feel like just listening to her talk brought me out of that despair.

[hopeOK]

So now the real struggle I feel is bringing my H along w/ me. We had a rough start to the weekend... not because of anything that I was suffering through but what he was going through.

Friday we were going to a co-op in the afternoon and it just so happened that we drove by H's work to get there. Totally not checking up but I admit to looking to the right to see his car & such. Then as I was doing this, I see him walking into the building. I really wasn't worried about it... there could be many reasons he would go out to his car... wasn't a big deal. But I thought- I'll call him & tell him that we saw him. Well he didn't answer. So as I was pumping gas, I texted him & told him that we'd seen him while driving by. I was thinking that he was in a meeting (I knew he had an afternoon full of interviews) & that he'd see it later. He then calls & quickly tells me that someone lost their diamond out of their ring & he went out to the car to get a flashlight to help them in their search. Then he had to go to get into his interview.

Well, we arrive at co-op & are being shown where to go when he calls. I can't answer & then he texts "check your email". I look and there are weird schedule email forwards. Then I call him back & he says for me to check my email. I ask him what it was about & he said, "so you know where I was." I tell him I wasn't worried about it.

Then at home that evening he is distant. I can tell he is upset. I ask him. He tells me that this whole thing (with me calling & then texting) sent him into a panic where his heart was beating fast & he felt like he was in trouble and he had to prove to me that he wasn't doing anything. I told him I wasn't at any point worried, I was letting go of all that & doing much better. I then shared some things that I had been working on... things I had heard from Brene Brown & was really helping.

Well then later he is still acting weird & he decides to go to bed when the kids do instead of watching the movie we rented for us. When I said- "so we're not watching the movie tonight?" he says, "I guess not." Then he goes to lay down w/ Jackson. At that point I say, "can I talk to you real quick?" & lead him downstairs.

We have another talk where I ask him what is up. He says he just doesn't believe that I wasn't upset and that the really doesn't like what happened. I again reiterate that I was never upset, had a good day, wasn't worried, just called to try & catch him before he went into the meeting & then texted so he'd know why I called (his vm is not set up currently). I had not panicked. I ask him to stop punishing me. He says ok. then goes to bed.

The next day he isn't quite as grumpy/moody/distant but still not 100%. When I hold his hand he just lightly puts his hand on mine. By the afternoon I say something again. He says that it takes him awhile to get through these thoughts. When he has those bad feelings (as he did when he felt he was in trouble) it brings up all the other bad feelings... like about what I called him, about what i thought he did bad w/ our son, etc. and he has a hard time getting out of that. He also said that he didn't know how he could believe I really wanted him when I'd acted like I had for so many years.

I told him I understood. I've been there. I totally get it. But we need to work together to get through this. I told him it was so hard for me to continue to reach out to him when i felt like he was pulling away. But that I was doing it b/c I wanted us to work out. I was risking that vulnerability b/c I wanted to work through all this. It would be so much easier to just say, "f@$% it" & distance from him. To do as I am used to and go off & be mad & give up. But b/c I do want him & I do want us to work out, I am reaching out to him when he his hurting and trying to reassure him.

By that evening I think things started to get better. Although he did tell me that talking about it doesn't help... it just keeps him in those thoughts longer. I don't know. I kind of think that you have to get all that out to work through it. But he thinks he needs to work to push it aside on his own. I'm not sure how I can help him through this pain that i have caused him... I want to share what I have learned that has helped me but I don't want to come across as preachy or a teacher (as I have in the past & he hates that). So I just am stuck & sometimes feel (when he is going through this stuff) like it is hopeless... he will always carry these resentments and I will continually have to try and convince him that I didn't mean it when I said those things & I do think he is a good person/Dad.

Ugh. So any advice for helping your partner get through their betrayed trust & hurt feelings?

[hopeOK]

welp... had been doing pretty good.

Yesterday got a call from someone supposedly from our phone company but I thought it might be a scam. Then I was worried they'd access our account & do something so I told H that I wanted to call & make sure everything was ok.

To do this, I needed the special code he put on back when things went downhill for us (when he read my messages & read what I wrote about him). He seemed reluctant... and he acted like "here we go again". He said- "What did I tell you several months ago about that? I'm not trying to be hateful or hurtful, but no I don't want you to be able to do anything else with this phone." He was meaning tracking him... or also implying about me putting spyware on his phone. But I told him I could only track him via our account & that he could also verify that I didn't. I said I could view the call log & was there something he didn't want me to see? He then gave in & gave me the info.

I got the scam thing straightened out & then had a look at the call/text logs. Bam. 8 texts between him & the OW on 9/30/15. Brought it up to him & he said it was work related. I asked if he still had the texts for me to see. Nope- he deleted them. He said b/c he didn't want me to look on his phone & get all worked up over seeing her & him texting. I pointed out that if he would have showed them to me & said- look, we texted & here are the texts, strictly work related as you can see... then I would not have to wonder & worry when I find out about it later.

SO..... what to do? I feel like he might be lying. But maybe not. Could be work related... but why delete if it was? I just hate this. Ugh. And 3 days before we head off on a trip to Colorado for just us.

Do I drop it? Do I ask other questions?

[hopeOK]

Ugh. More info does not equal more peace.

Looked at the text messages a bit further. H said that she texted him about work stuff & he told her not to text him on his personal phone (at the end of the 8 messages, he said... because I asked why there would be 8 if he told her not to text him). Well looking at the texts closer I see that he texted her once in the morning. Then she texted him an hour later. Then he texted her 6 more times after that. She did not text him any more than the initial one time responding to his first text!! And the last text he sent was a multimedia text... so could be a picture, video, or a simple smiley face.

But ugh. He did lie. He said she was texting him about work stuff. But apparently he was texting her.

[Vapo]

What does your intuition (gut feeling) tell you to do?

[hopeOK]

I was feeling pretty sick to my stomach yesterday but in my head, things are still going round & round.

I talked to him about it last night & he told me he was sure it was work related, probably in regards to scheduling ... but he couldn't remember exactly what it was. He said she was probably asking him about the schedule but then I told him that couldn't be it b/c he texted her first, she replied an hour later, then he proceeded to text her 6 more times throughout the day.

I just cannot figure out a way that it makes sense in my head. Even if they were seeing each other again, why would they text only one day. And why would she only respond once? Their regular communication method was not working? How could that even be... I cannot even think of a situation where they would need to text just one day.

So then if it is work related... why would he text her while he is at work? Wouldn't he just go & ask her his question if it was work related? Or if she was off, why wouldn't he call her from his desk phone to ask a staffing question? And if he was asking her about staffing... why would he continue to text through the remainder of the day w/o her responding?

I just cannot even figure it out & I figure I am not going to. And I don't think i am going to get the truth from him, for whatever reason. I think I need to drop it but it is difficult to get out of my head.

[25yearsmlc]

I was feeling pretty sick to my stomach yesterday but in my head, things are still going round & round.

I talked to him about it last night & he told me he was sure it was work related, probably in regards to scheduling ... but he couldn't remember exactly what it was. He said she was probably asking him about the schedule but then I told him that couldn't be it b/c he texted her first, she replied an hour later, then he proceeded to text her 6 more times throughout the day.

I just cannot figure out a way that it makes sense in my head. Even if they were seeing each other again, why would they text only one day. And why would she only respond once? Their regular communication method was not working? How could that even be... I cannot even think of a situation where they would need to text just one day.

So then if it is work related... why would he text her while he is at work? Wouldn't he just go & ask her his question if it was work related? Or if she was off, why wouldn't he call her from his desk phone to ask a staffing question? And if he was asking her about staffing... why would he continue to text through the remainder of the day w/o her responding?

I just cannot even figure it out & I figure I am not going to. And I don't think i am going to get the truth from him, for whatever reason. I think I need to drop it but it is difficult to get out of my head.

The answer is there^^^^, i.e., to drop it, "But it is difficult" and so you want to keep chewing on it.

You already asked him about it - and he said it was insignificant.

My question for you is about what you are learning from this & how are you changing?


I'm not letting him "off the hook" for the A, (although at some point you must - or end the marriage).


You said you wanted to forgive him and move past this -but my fear is that HE will Not believe YOU can do that...if you keep repeating the same old...

So In the past-

has you feeling fearful or resentful helped your marriage?

Has repeatedly asking him about the same thing, over and over again, been something that improves the relationship?

You did "confront" him and he denies an affair.

Sure he MAY be lying....but if he's not, then what you are doing is literally making you sick

and not helping the marriage.

Maybe he is working out the total removal of OW in his world, and maybe that takes more time

but unless you fear that he's secretly making plans to leave you - and won't tell you until 2 minutes before you get served (NOT LIKELY btw)

and if so, then that is on HIM and neither of you will be able to say that YOU drove him away

then isn't it better to put the focus back on YOU and rebuilding the relationship?

I mean, literally, How could that^^ hurt?

[Flight]

I really don't know if there is a set answer as to the snooping/spying/checking up on behavior. I think there is a time for it when you really need to know, like for legal action, but the rest of the time, it just doesn't help you. Isn't it about controlling their behavior? And we all know you can't do that. If you have a plan to rebuild the connection, then ask if this helps with that. For my sitch, I've stopped looking or caring. Perhaps he needs to work through this himself. But it will drive you crazy.

[Vapo]

Hi honey,

how are you doing?