Now, I don't know what W wants or is thinking. She isn't my BFF anymore. I am not sure if she is lying to me or what goes on in her head because she won't talk to me anymore about that stuff. I find it hard pulling away and acting like I'm dumping her because like you said, because of our past, she doesn't care or mind that.
I am not sure if it is working or what is going on with my WW, but we are closer during this messed up time than we have been in years, but because of OM, I feel like it could fall apart in a seconds notice.
If you are trying to be friends with your WW, and she is still in contact with OM, then sorry to tell you, but you are just enabling her. Serving that cake up on a silver platter.
Hey, I get it and I did the same thing for a few weeks. But think about it; why is it OK for your W to be on regular contact with OM while still being married to you? You allow that and still want to be friends? What would you say if you had a brother or close pal with a W doing the same thing? Likely tell him to grow a set, and boot his W to the curb. It is not acceptable behavior, and should not be rewarded with friendship. Read up on Sandi's threads which are always posted in the homework section of every new poster. You need to lay down some firm boundaries with your W and quit trying to be friends, until she agrees to cut off all contact with OM.
She's using you and will continue to do so as long as you allow it. Sure, it feels good when she talks to you, or confides something. Just like old times. Maybe even like the best you've gotten along in years. She has downgraded you from H to friend. If you're OK with that role, then please continue, but your W does not respect you right now and allowing her send love messages to OM while you smile and let her buddy up to you when she feels the need isn't going to help your sitch get any better.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Thanks DWH for your reply. Any post is always helpful and makes me feel better.
I should have been clearer. We are friendly. I am nice most of the time, i still lose my cool on occasion(Showing her my hurt and being upset) I do not talk to her about OM.
However, she is wanting to act like we are a couple. She talks about the future and acts like I am a part of it. She gets upset if I acknowledge OM exists. I haven't made her feel like she is losing me yet. So I know that I still have work to do.
My biggest issue is finding a way to successfully push her away and separate. She seems to want to act like we are together. I am not sure if she is biding her time until OM comes through or falls flat, or what is the case. I know I want my W back, but I don't just want to let her back without her working for it or being committed to our M and making it work. I want her to respect me. I just find it hard to make a separation when she gets angry and lashes out if I bring it up.
I need to brush up on my validation skills because that is a big thing I am lacking in.
Thanks DWH for your reply. Any post is always helpful and makes me feel better.
I should have been clearer. We are friendly. I am nice most of the time, i still lose my cool on occasion(Showing her my hurt and being upset) I do not talk to her about OM.
However, she is wanting to act like we are a couple. She talks about the future and acts like I am a part of it. She gets upset if I acknowledge OM exists. I haven't made her feel like she is losing me yet. So I know that I still have work to do.
My biggest issue is finding a way to successfully push her away and separate. She seems to want to act like we are together. I am not sure if she is biding her time until OM comes through or falls flat, or what is the case. I know I want my W back, but I don't just want to let her back without her working for it or being committed to our M and making it work. I want her to respect me. I just find it hard to make a separation when she gets angry and lashes out if I bring it up.
I need to brush up on my validation skills because that is a big thing I am lacking in.
Sounds to me like she wants to rug sweep. You can't just pretend OM never happened. Otherwise, nothing will get fixed and you will be right back in this situation in the near future. Until she agrees to completely go NC with OM, there isn't anything to discuss with her. I would quit acting like a couple because you are not one right now. There are 3 people in your M. She may be unsure of what she wants, but make it very clear that an open M is not an option by setting those boundaries. You don't have to be mean, but try to detach yourself. It's definitely hard to do, especially when your W is trying to "act" like you're a couple. Don't drink the kool-aid. Let her see consequences.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
I know that and do not plan on letting her rug sweep. I am growing to realize that I am a great person, and if she isn't willing to be with me in a loving happy mature way, I don't need or want her.
I have successfully been detached this evening and she has actually sought me out. It comes and goes as I am still working on myself, so tomorrow may be different. But I am growing to love myself and be the person I want to be, with or without my W. If she decides to join me on this journey, that is wonderful, but if not, I am learning to love myself and care for my own needs so I can move forward happily either way.
I do not know what the future holds for muself or my W, but I'm becoming less afraid of it because I know that I have a lot to give, to her or someone else. So no matter what happens I am preparing myself to be happy with my life just how it is or however it may be.
Okay, give her what she wants. Stop being a couple. You begin by stop acting like her H. Do you understand what that entails?
Not sure I do. I have read back on many of your posts, but in general if you are still living together, what does a week living together look like? Do only my own dishes? Do you still act like a friend?
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
What is your boundary about her conduct? What consequence does she have when she starts texting him?
I would love the answer to this. Not texting in the house and no going out and seeing him. When you have no power, what is the consequence? Throw her clothes in the street? I can't force her to leave. I can't keep her from the kids. What are some healthy boundaries and what are specific ideas for consequences? I thought of taking the kids and going to a parent's, but then I abandon the house.
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
I still struggle with figuring out a good consequence for texting or calling OM. Because there isn't much I can figure that wouldn't either effect the kids or be over the top (cutting her phone off, etc.)
On a positive note as far as I can tell she has been NC with OM since Saturday. There hasn't been a NC text or w/e either, so whether it's her choice or simply her not pursuing him remains to be seen.
Coming up in two weeks the W will be out of the house all weekend (with her family not OM) so I am looking forward to being in my own and testing my abilities as a solo parent. My moods have been stabilized lately which is good. I am becoming happier with myself and try to not let W's actipns bother me one way or another.
On the occasions she gets upset and yells, I am able to calmly talk to her and not lose my own cool.(Not an intentional 180 but definitely different from how I was) I am not sure where this is going but I can tell W likes what I am showing her. Either way I am happy with the Sorgan I have become and continue to improve myself.
Good update, sounds like you're doing well. I'm not sure what to offer on consequences for breaking boundaries. Maybe Sandi or one of the vets can chime in. Short of filing for D, assuming that hasn't already been done, what else can you impose? I'm interested in the answer myself.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Do you really think that facilitating her contact with OM by not cutting off the phone is over the top? You might as well hand her a box of condoms and money for a room.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
The problem with cutting off the phone is that, as Sandi said, a WW would get a throw away phone or get her own plan. Mine has stated that she would get on her parents plan if I cut off her phone. So basically I would be paying the cut off fee for terminating the contract, making the WW more angry at me, and ultimately just temporarily stopping contact with OM. So really it does no good.
