So she went out Friday evening I came home and grabbed the kids and left the house as quickly as possible. took them to the halloween store for some costume stuff then we went to Dave and Busters for games and food. We had a blast. Got home and we all climbed in my bed to watch some movies and fall asleep. Around midnight i thought i heard W come in, which would be a little early, but then no one ever came up to the bedroom to get ready for bed. I decided to get up and see what i heard. She did come home and was in the downstairs bathroom and i knew what was going on. She was getting sick. She looked like a mess, she said she didnt eat anything and had some wine and beer and it got to her. I kind of just laughed, but i probably did what i shouldnt have and took care of her. I helped her get cleaned up, got her water and some crackers and tried to clean up the mess. Got her in bed and grabbed a bucket in case the urge came back. I then slept on the couch outside the room for a bit to make sure she didnt get sick in her sleep. In the morning i woke up and went to the store to get kids a doughnut for breakfast and grabbed some tylonel for her. Came home and gave them to her and explained what went on the night before. She responded with "thanks". I wasnt looking to be a hero but something made me feel good to help her. I told her i didnt want her to feel like crap all day. D7 went and played at a friends house most of the day then had a sleep over as well. I took S4 with me to a rugby game and we stayed out most of the day, then to come home to W moving furniture with some friends helping. That was not fun to come home to. S4 and i hung out and ate some pizza then headed to bed later. W came in and thanked me properly for helping her the night before. Got up next morning and went to church. Wasnt feeling in a good place afterwards, just a little sad, and didnt want to go home as i know she was having more people there helping her. I left her to deal with the kids and went and ate some lunch. Got home later and took care of yard work, Tm w to tell her she could bring the kids back if they wanted to come home since she was at new house unpacking. Took kids out to play at the beach and ate dinner. Got home and took care of kids getting ready for bed. She got home as we were watching some tv.
All in all this really [censored]! i am staying busy and doing things for myself but her just in full blown move mode is hard. She is so focused on doing this. Spoke to D7 a little more about everything and she asked if i think mommy is always going to be this way now? I asked what she meant and she just said different like she is now. Didnt know what to say and just reassured she loves her very much. By this time next week W will be out of house completely and i will need to deal with not getting to tuck my kids in bed for a night or two. Going to be tough.
#2 one more thing.. I have been reading Caliguys entire situation and notice a lot of interaction and communication between him and his w during there separation. I know there are a lot of opportunities there to DB and move things along. I feel like right now my W and i have nothing between us. We pass each other in the house and communicate very scarcely about the kids. i know she is wrapped up in her move, but curious if there is anything i should be doing to change this dynamic or let it go?
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
There are a couple of schools of thought. Letting go/detaching is certainly important, but it doesn't mean you have to go NC. If you want, you can keep a log of what you are doing and see what works and what doesn't. You shouldn't bounce all over the place and you should give your chosen tack a while to see if it works. I am one of the believers of rebuilding the connection one month at a time by being positive and having little interactions like one-way texts and tag alongs with the kids. But nothing you do can seem needy or pressured.
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
otw I've asked my coach about instances where there isn't much communication or interactions to DB. Basically he said not to worry about it that much because it generally works out to the interactions happening one way or another. You have kids together so there will always be some connection there. For now you might just need to give her space and let her work on her own issues for a while. The opportunities will come up as they do, no reason to rush them. Patience is a huge thing to deal with while we go through this.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Flight/Fogg I do appreciate the responses, and i agree 100%. I dont think i can go NC especially with the kids. I have been keeping a log of what goes on everyday. I probably can get a little more detailed about our interactions. As i have noted before i do see a little difference in her mannerisms but i cant mind read why so i will leave it alone.
just a little journaling I have looked back over the past 6.5 months and looked at how i reacted and things i did in the beginning and just shake my head. I chased and begged like the best of them. After that i just went into fix it mode and held on to everything i saw from her. Then i went into ignore mode. I then realized i have come around to where i am now. I do not initiate as much contact but still do. I am polite and respectful and nice. I have also noticed i feel different. I feel a weird peace about myself. Yes it hard to watch her pack up all of her belongings, hard to work on a separation agreement, hard to know my children will be gone some days but I know this is happening and oddly enough i am kind of excited about what i get to do when she is fully out regarding new things for the house, some time for me, alone time with kids. I will miss her dearly and still want my W, but i look at how she still does not thank me for cooking a dinner or running out to the store when we forgot soemthing needed and i wonder to myself dont i want to feel appreciated?
I am not sure where this next step of the journey will take me but I do know my kids love me to death, know i am the rock for them as they make comments about how their mother is different , I will succeed in life and know i am worthy of great things and relationships.
I do have to say i read a lot of the success stories on here and winding down on Caliguys. I have never felt so many different emotions reading something. If he looks in, i want him to know how much i appreciate his journaling to help others and continued support. Thorton as well. I know there are plenty more and i will get to them.
anyway, that is all for now.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I think had I found this place post BD... My posts would have shown that before W moved out... We too had very little interaction and like you I was still scrambling looking for ways to fix things... As I've said before ... I would run myself ragged cleaning thinking that would make her happy... In my sitch the truth was , there was nothing I could do, she was miserable and she thought she found happiness elsewhere and at that time I was in the way between her and happiness ..... Was that really the case no... But in her mind it was so the separation had to happen, she had to take that road and learn without my help that there were things that were not my fault. As painful as it was even the A taught her that she in fact had some issues that had nothing to do with me ... Though she blamed me for years about those things
It's a tough time of year to be going through what you are going through. Been there done that .... My advice ... Do not allow this to define you. STOP rescuing her (taking care of her when she gets plowed) ... As painful as it is you must let her hit bottom and learn the lessons she needs to learn without you helping or even being remotely close .... DO NOT fill her needs, she fired you. You have to rebuild yourself now... There is damage caused by this, damage she is not going to be able to help you with... You owe it to your kids to become the strongest man they will ever know. Do not share with them the sitch, to young for that kind of talk... Just become the best man you can be... Let your W go and focus on you, you will need to use all the energy you have left to build a better you because using it on her at this point is a total waste of resources
Hang in there ... You are at a better point now than I was at this time
Hi Cali, where are you now? Or can you point me to the thread where you describe what happened after retrouvaille and what you thought of it? In particular, I wonder how your wife took it when maybe she wasn't 100% "in".
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
Flight I am almost to where they start going. I must say this is a great read. It really shows me a lot and how to m e forward with my life. I did find myself jealous at first of the interactions they had but then he would have the rug pulled out from under him. Had to be so difficult. Really has inspired me.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Hi Cali, where are you now? Or can you point me to the thread where you describe what happened after retrouvaille and what you thought of it? In particular, I wonder how your wife took it when maybe she wasn't 100% "in".
Currently I suppose we are 'piecing' as far as the definition goes, that said W has a good deal of work to do ... Things she is sorting out for herself... I had a bit of a head start in this area, that whole "gift of time" thing wasn't something she really had as most WAS do focus energy in the A and OP .... Not themselves as the LBS does.
As far as Retrouville .... I was impressed with it as it gave us a much needed item.... Hope.... This said I would caution doing this... The WAS must be willing to do what it takes, it's not just a weekend, it's a 3 month program that will bring up several issues a couple has to address. At this point we are not using what we've learned in the way it was presented , but we seem to use it in a different way ... Again at this point W is still sorting herself out and I am still waiting to see where all the pieces end up before I make a decision ... In short I am DB-lite approach as I am weighin my options and what I can live with.
I would hope if anyone learns anything from my sitch, it's to become a better person... Regardless what your spouse does or doesn't do... That's the secret to all this as far as I'm concerned
Cali Thanks it helps to know the pre story. I did my share of scrambling to fix and make her happy. Nothing worked. Just her getting things with no reciprocation. She has decided I am the reason she is not happy. You know all the usual, rewrote history etc, I took what she told me she wasn't happy about very seriously and addressed. Hasn't really mattered.
You have nailed it though. I am still there too much when she needs me. I am still a fixer. I have done a lot better recently. But I found myself today rushing to help her by getting the kids after I told her I may not be able to do it.
I have to be honest. I did not think I would be here long. Lol. I have a feeling I am in for a long haul. One thing I am struggling with right now is involving the kids. I have d7 and s4. They are the best but I do find my self short tempered at times when they are both not wanting to listen and just be kids. I don't like letting them see me get that way especially when they have to go through this time. D7 is very intelligent but gets her emotions so wound up at times that you can't get through the to her. Lol. No clue where she gets that! This is why her and w butt heads so often. They are exactly alike. I am doing everything I can with them and constantly talking about things that I think they can handle.
Vise I constantly keep up with you. I for some reason relate to you and a few others here. I think sometimes we think the same things regarding what some of the vets around here say. I know everyone has the best intentions but sometimes it seems off base. Maybe it is just me. Anyway. I will continue with the sharing each day and hope to get some insight as to where I can make changes for me.
Cali One more thing. I will revisit the religion topic maybe tomorrow as I have also begun a new with this.
Thanks all
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
