Hi LouR- thanks for posting your H's thought process. I am quite impressed by his self awareness and his ability to play out how things need to happen.
You are showing incredible patience. Kudos to you.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Lou, I know you are anxious to reconcile, but your h isn't ready to do so yet. He recognizes that he's got a lot of work to do and it's going to take time, i.e., on his time clock, not yours. Be happy that he's talking to you and telling you that he's working on himself. Many don't get this rare opportunity, so, no more pressure. Allow things to progress at their own pace. I want to see you both happy and together, but you've got to let him move slowly at his pace.
Keep the focus on you and dig deeper for more patience.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks job, I know....I have to put him back in the "friend" zone. Hard but its got to be done because its messing with my life and putting to much pressure on him.
I see that I am not the norm when it comes to reconnecting and that my h has been more open and honest about what he is feeling and going through than most MLC'ers. I am lucky he is doing what he needs to before he commits fully to working on us. He is frustrated with himself as he expected to be further along by now, he says he feels a failure but knows this takes time and commitment. Tbh I think its shocked him that he has so many issues, things he never knew were an issue he finds are; it must be quite demoralizing to know that you spent your life thinking you knew things you actually didn't and that your decisions and actions have affected so many lives in a negative way.
This weekend has been about looking at my own life (omg, I hope its not the start of a mlc !!) I see that I am 45 and have no home, career, partner and generally a crapola life, I know its only me that can change things, but when I look back at the fact I had all that, a home I loved, a role in life I enjoyed, a partner who I adored, its been hard going trying to rebuild from that. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for all that I do have and what I have achieved since h left, I know I have had an easier time than most and that I have had this time to work on myself and my own issues that I now won't take forward with me, I am a better person and a stronger woman for all this, so I don't feel any of this has been wasted time, yet I still have this sadness and loneliness, this dissatisfaction with how my life is right now.
Now in saying that, I know more than most that we never know what is around the corner, tomorrow, next week, next month or even this afternoon, all could change, something could happen that changes everything. So keeping the faith that this is where I should be right now and the answers will come to me.
Lou, Just as a thought experiment, I want you to dream about what you would do, what goals would you set, if H suddenly evaporated off of the planet?
Just take him out of the equation for a moment and ask yourself: what do I want to do with my life? What is the path to financial security and personal fulfillment for ME?
As a homemaker, you relied on your H to handle the finances. Unfortunately, as you've learned, that trust was misplaced.
In any new relationship with him, you're going to want to be in control of your financial future. You've got 20 more years of working ahead of you, if you retire at 65. You can accomplish a lot in twenty years.
In any new relationship with him, you're going to want to be in control of your financial future. You've got 20 more years of working ahead of you, if you retire at 65. You can accomplish a lot in twenty years.
What do you dream of doing?
That is my big problem - I was doing what I enjoyed doing, being a mum and homemaker. I had my little farm and grew all my fruit and veggies, made all our food from scratch, a pantry of jams and chutneys, pasta sauces and fresh bread. Cooking is not something I want to do as a career, it put the pressure on and takes the enjoyment away from what I love about it - the growing it, cooking it, eating it process.
I thought about going into business for myself - making a product to sell at farmers markets and local businesses, but I don't have the financial start up - I have looked into grants and loans but i need to have a start up fund which I don't have. I also need a home with an approved kitchen and as I rent now I can only achieve that by renting industrial kitchen space and that makes the project non cost effective.
So I am back to the start - my goal is to buy my own home again. I have been paying into a fund each week through my wages which the government match my payments and then I can access it for a deposit on a house when I am in a position to get a mortgage. I would love a little cottage by the sea, that is my dream. I need a job that can sustain a mortgage and currently I don't earn enough to get one, I need to go up about 2 pay brackets, which is not an easy task when I am starting from the bottom. I know its not impossible and will keep working on it.
I am not relying on h coming back in to my life and making everything better again, that is the worst attitude to have !! I have my goals - a home, a better paid job and a fulfilled life. I want to look back on my life and know that I did not waste it.
Hi Lou, Firstly, you continue to be an inspiration to me. I have read your posts from the beginning, as our sitch's are somewhat similar. My stars, woman, you have come so very far in such a short time! Imagine what your life will be like in 5 or 10 years?! Very exciting! You may not realize it today, but you really have done a remarkable job under the most adverse conditions. That my friend takes grit, make no mistake about it!
Secondly, you and your H are in the precarious reconnecting stage. I say precarious because I've read it's so, not because I have any personal experience there. As Job says so wisely, I think the best thing to do is to dig deeper for patience (like you haven't already had to dig deep for patience?!).
I'm only 6 months into our separation, post BD, and the good Lord knows I have the patience of an angry hornet sometimes ... but in those moments when I can actually practice patience actively, things are better. I can't believe the amount of patience that's required of us LBS ... and yet, I also feel that in some ways it's far easier to be the LBS than the MLCer.
Keep your eye on the prize, whatever you ultimately feel that prize to be. I like that you have articulated your goals. You will get there, one step at a time. Thank you for continuing to share your journey here. Sending you much love and support. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Sending you good vibes Lou. It is wonderful to hear you and your H are communicating. i wish I had something wise or witty to add but I am not one to have any real answers. Lou - you are doing so well and you have a heart of gold. Invest in yourself and keep the faith. Your future is bright my friend.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Hi Lou, I also think you are doing so well. For years, you had lived the family life you wanted and then that was blown out of the water. But you showed a lot of grit, picked yourself up and are building a different life for yourself (life is always about plan B....so they say.)
Equally, you're handling the changing situation with your H wanting to be in touch and the hopes that raises - and you're doing that calmly and thoughtfully. I'm full of admiration. Yes, there are things that you'd like to do in terms of housing and a level of earnings you'd like to attain - those sound like great goal areas to me - something to work towards.
Good luck with everything. Your thread is one that has helped me a great deal xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you so much everyone for your kind words, I am so humbled that you all think so much of me, its times like these you discover that there are truly amazing people in the world - so thank you to all you amazing DB folk; you keep me going through my dark days and you celebrate my good days.
My story is far from over, currently its a tale of adventure, hardship and intrigue, a plot full of twists and turns. Spoiler alert - in my story the heroine does win the day and who knows, it still has potential for a fairytale ending.
I have not updated for a couple of weeks, I haven't had much tell.
All aspects of my life seem to be messy right now, I know that all these challenges are growth for myself, it would be nice though if they would stagger themselves rather than all come along at once.
Work - It is pushing me physically to my limits, I am certainly fitter from it, but shattered and aching at the end of my shift. Mentally it has taken me to the end of tolerance , I am thankful that I am nearing my next holiday. A couple of things have happened which made my mind up that I will be leaving in January.
Home - S18 is still unemployed and we now have g/friend living with us (long story). I feel like a lodger in my own home now, so that has added to me making my second decision - I am going to move in the New Year. I only came to where I am to help s18 out and get him through college, so now I am free to move to somewhere I would like to be.
H - things continue to move slowly in this area. Its been a couple of texts a week, I try to make sure it remains only chit chat, no r talk. Then the texts started to get further apart and we ended up going a week before I text him to say hi. This resulted him in explaining the reason for not texting me - he feels its always him initiating so decided that he would wait for me to contact him for a change. He went on to say that he appreciates that this situation is not easy for me and if he had a wand he would wave it so he could be sorted out now, but he doesn't, however that does not mean that he doesn't want any kind of relationship with me, it just means he can't fully commit to me romantically right now. I replied to him that I did not want him to feel I was being pushy. His reply "your not being pushy, that kinda my point" ???Not sure what that means - does he WANT me to push this along?
This has been an issue for a while now, he wants me to do 50% of the contact ( I wonder if its insecurity about me still being in this) and I have been doing what I have been advised to do and make him do the contacting, but it seems that its become an issue for him so I am not sure what to do now.
I have my November holiday coming up 21st November, I asked him a few weeks ago about visiting him but said I would have to stay with him as I can't afford a motel this time. He asked what dates I had in mind and I told him. He then said which dates would be best for him to devote time entirely to me (his words), so I then said to him to think about it and let me know as I would like him to be comfortable with me being around him and want to leave him wanting more me, not wanting more therapy ha ha" He sent a smiley face back. That was 3 weeks ago and no answer for whether he wants me to visit - I know that the day before he will be asking me my flight details !! But I have not asked him if he has decided as I feel that's pushing .....again we are back to this ...
Does he want me to hold his hand and just tell him what I am doing "oh by the way darling I am visiting in November for a few days, staying with you, so go buy a new bed for me, oh and just to let you know I am quitting my job in January and moving in with you" ........ Nah, think this may be taking it one step too far he he
and who knows, it still has potential for a fairytale ending. 
Nah, think this may be taking it one step too far he he