oops, I left out my inner self. I am still single and have no intention of entering a relationship at this point. I have dated a man for 9 months, last year and it messed me up. I carry many ghost from the past and can' t seem to control my fears and anxiety. i'm ok with friends but not in a relationship. ( weird) I know I can love again but I am very insecure and feel unworthy when my insecurities rise. I have trust and believe issues. My view of being a couple as also changed. In my younger days, I was looking for a life partner to build a family and future with but now, I have those things and I am still very family oriented therefor, I find it difficult to bring someone new into the mix. for the most part, I am very please with everything. I still get sad sometimes. I take a look back and soon realise that our lives is way better this way. I' m still growing and battleing a few of my inner demons ( anger, anxiety and depression ). This latest relationship set me back a bit. Eventho I am the one who ended it. So, like I said, relationship? not now. I am not ready nor want to right now.
His time lines off, the little I see he makes out we were long dead but then winds the clock back in the hurts makes out the happy time was where it still is. He's still attached jmho, weird and sometimes I think very much mlc.
Power works lagging behind where I would like it, but he continues to say no. His action regardless of words Or intention he's making the process far longer.
Originally he had ow, and accidentally confessed but then back tracked and talked like he was a child in 2 seperate voices, threatened to kill himself if I didn't allow him to be with his soul mate ow.
The whole last year of the marriage maybe a little more I kept saying I'm not your mother and gems like your an adult and you know how to behave and right from wrong.
Things moved on for me big time when I met the bf, who's sweet and gentle. He was from a death rather than a divorce.
On the plus side my life is now calm and peaceful, no one drama that hasn't been centered around the d. I get the impression he's wanting to keep me as plan b, but he seems unable to accept I don't really care and have moved on.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
I' m happy to see that you did not dwell on this like I did. You have also met someone GOOD! I have spent so much time trying to understand and looking for the whys that eventho it seemed to help at the time, today, I realise it has hurt me in the long run. It took away time I could have used to heal myself. to forgive and forget. It was so crazy for 3 and a half years, with his rapid cycling, I really thought I would go nuts over this and in some ways, I have. I gain knowledge. Too much knowledge to the point where I see traits in many, many people and it scares me. My best friends are 60 plus. I feel safe around them and we laugh so much. I am 45 years old. I cannot find anyone my age with whom I can hang out without them having other motives. Around here, they want nothing serious. A come and go kinda thing. Not for me. These situation do not fit with my morals and value. I am respected exactly because of those morals and values and I have no intention of shaming myself. I believe my ex' s MLC has started this way. By breaking his own rules and destroying himself and his values. He created his inner battle. His addiction versus his inner self. All of it is INSIDE ONE PERSON. It is my interpretation of it, common sense in a way and this has made me create healthy boundaries for myself but it has also made me very lonely. I am extremely set and my ways and so be it if it means saving me from destruction. It keeps me at peace! My inner peace!
I'm older so I just decided I give it so long as the ow was already on the scene for about 6months before I knew. He chose her, and was really Nasty about it.
So I took a friends advice use a year to re group and heal. She knew I had lost myself along the way. Yes I cycled bad too. I had a few r before and know the way xh2 was behaving he would just continue to flaunt the ow. So I just decided to gal and see what happened. Bf wife had died and even tho was young had found only nut bags online.
Things have clicked and so far it works. There is an issue of him finding good work that regular where I live isn't easy to get this. So this could be the one major issue.
After a year I had gotten to a point where I missed to many things about marriage. I had already decided that I would grab any opportunity that came my way.
As silly as it sound but a comfort rub on the back in bed, I missed most. Which according to xh2 there was no intimacy (well he meant touch and really more the sex) which wasn't true.
So many things were odd compared to any other break up like him having that conversation and the fact his taste in food completely changed. Food he had never liked he bought home raving about. He bought a large high performance family car, even tho his son had left home and mine was about to. So many things things were just odd.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Though I do think if I watch actions now more than words they were always like that but now I'm more aware in some cases.
Sounds like a bit of wisdom there to me The trick is to not become so jaded and hurt that you can never open up again, right?
Put another way, now that you see things you didn't before (experience) can you still trust again? And if so, how much?
I think the real shame of MLC or just people in general is the betrayal of those that were closest - friends, kids, spouses, family etc. when they head off the rails on the crazy train. It becomes a real issue if we let it and aren't able to overcome and have healthy, trusting relationships again.
Fortunately, we're not wired that way. Not wired to remain in that world. We spend some time there as long as needed, but it never lasts for most. It does take effort, but that's life, right?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Vanilla, Thank you so much for sharing your update. I also suffer from this but I wouldn' t say it is ptsd for me. It is more of an intolerance to anger and not in a good way. Anxiety rise inside of me even if the anger is not even towards me. I cannot be around it AT ALL. I feel for the recipient and no matter the situation, voices should not be raise. i' m an empath. I freeze and shelter myself until it is safe to approach the recipient. To me, whatever happened is irrelevant. the situation should be handle better and no-one deserve to be yield at. It puts me in difficult situation at time cause I try to be the peace keeper and I get caught in the middle. I' m looking for a new job at the moment exactly for that reason. the atmosphere at the store is too much for me to bare. Work is great, co-workers, on the other hand seem to fight for power to nowhere.. i' ve had enough. yielling and screaming is NOT how you promote yourself just to prove a pointless point. I wish I was different and yet, I know my kindness has an impact. I love and dislike myself for it.. What would you call someone like me?
I had long winded word salads in a loud voice sometime for over an hour, in the end I could not take it.
I have been remotely poking xh2 buttons, so I can get my stettlement thru. I pressed the button and he ran, like hell so I'm hoping it will work in my favour. He talks as if I left him, he hasn't remotely grieved the m at all. He still in his mind thinks he has control.
He won't do or grant anything I want out of spite or punishment for precided sins, never mind him cheating with the ow!
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Vanilla, Thank you so much for sharing your update. I also suffer from this but I wouldn' t say it is ptsd for me. It is more of an intolerance to anger and not in a good way. Anxiety rise inside of me even if the anger is not even towards me. I cannot be around it AT ALL. I feel for the recipient and no matter the situation, voices should not be raise. i' m an empath. I freeze and shelter myself until it is safe to approach the recipient. To me, whatever happened is irrelevant. the situation should be handle better and no-one deserve to be yield at. It puts me in difficult situation at time cause I try to be the peace keeper and I get caught in the middle. I' m looking for a new job at the moment exactly for that reason. the atmosphere at the store is too much for me to bare. Work is great, co-workers, on the other hand seem to fight for power to nowhere.. i' ve had enough. yielling and screaming is NOT how you promote yourself just to prove a pointless point. I wish I was different and yet, I know my kindness has an impact. I love and dislike myself for it.. What would you call someone like me?
I will find your thread to read. I would like to marinade.
We have many similarities.
You may wish to read Jellyb journey and examine her successful transition. There arent many threads and they are great covering her journey.
Please give me time as this deserves a structured thinking.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
The trick is to not become so jaded and hurt that you can never open up again, right?