H just moved out, making it hard to detach

[ciluzen]

I, once again, feel that I have screwed up on the detaching thing. I had to call H to come help at the house, as there was a problem with our water system. We worked on it together and had it taken care of by the afternoon. He hung out, ate, had good, light conversation, watched a little football and left. while he was here he brought up paying one of the mortgages.

A little back ground: he makes most of the money and owns his own business. I make very little, but have good insurance. So basically, he gives me money to pay all of the bills because I have always been in charge of our finances. He has slowly been putting himself in charge of bills that pertain only to him or our vacation home since he moved to his own apartment.

After he left, I once again overthought it and ended up calling him to ask if he was doing this to make it easier to split up assets in case of divorce, because "I'm not there yet". Why did I say that?!! He explained he just didn't think it was fair for me to have to pay bills that have nothing to do with me. The vacation house has been an issue...totally another story that I'm ashamed of.

I then texted him to apologize for mistaking his kindness for something else.

I have no reason to see or communicate with him this week. My goal is to NOT CALL OR TEXT. So far, Ive been really bad at achieving this. And much of the time, I screw it up.

[Rouky]

When you feel the urge to call or text him, could you reach to something else instead that is closer to you. I have a small jar of sweets at home and work, so when I want to text or ring my H, instead I go for the sweet. I know not healthy but it helps me.

[ciluzen]

That's actually a good idea...replacing one desirable "action" with another. Maybe, since I'm trying to be more outgoing, I should replace it with calling or texting a friend, or setting up a GAL activity. Hopefully including a stiff shot of something. Or maybe not, lol!

[Pax_luv]

Hi citizen,
Just read your thread and I'm so sorry you are here. IVe been DBing for 4 months and I feel like I am still such a newbie that I can only offer support. Hang in there! I'm surprised by how much contact you the two of you have with eachother.... Could be a good thing or could make it very hard detach- either way- you've got this!

[ciluzen]

Hey, Feyth!

I usually am a lurker and feel that I can't help others on these boards, but I have read your posts and feel for your situation.
I'm sorry that you have to be here, as well. Its a tough road we get to travel, right?

I'm not sure if all of our contact is good or not either. It seems just when I feel that I can be relatively ok not contacting him, he finds a reason to contact me. 25 years together and two grown (sort of) daughters does create quite a habit. He is, at heart, a nice guy with a grand sense of responsibility. But from what I'm learning, maybe in an MLC.

Regardless, I still have the same "in love with him feelings that I can't turn off" that you speak of having for your H. I can't even picture myself with someone else. It really is awful. I wish he was an awful person so I could hate him.

If your H hasn't filed D papers or made separation official, maybe he isn't really sure what he wants either? Just maybe wants SOMETHING to change? Maybe he WANTED to gauge your response to the seeing other people question...why would he feel the need to inform you otherwise? I guess we really can't believe everything they say or do during this ordeal. My H has already contradicted actions with words, and words with actions.

We will need to try to be creative, consistent and patient DBers.

[Azzork]

When you feel the urge to call or text him, could you reach to something else instead that is closer to you. I have a small jar of sweets at home and work, so when I want to text or ring my H, instead I go for the sweet. I know not healthy but it helps me.

Agree. Anytime you want to do something, wait a half hour. At least. Then think what if I posted it to DB.....what would people tell me?

Then, if you still think it's a good idea, go ahead.

Often times, it's the quick actions based on emotions that you will wish you could take back.

Learn from it and move forward!

[ciluzen]

Azzork,

You always give such on point advice. I have tried just busying myself and waiting, but then the emotion bubbles up and I think, "just a quick little text". Maybe I just needed to add the "what would the response be from DB board" part.

I'm still getting way too excited after good contact and way too low after no contact. I decided last night to try no contact of any kind for this week. If he initiates it, I will not answer the phone or be on my way out. If it is through text, one word or short answer if needed. I think I can do this.

[ciluzen]

Journaling and update. After my slight meltdown and phone call about bills on Saturday, I had resolved to not call. Sunday I had a lovely "Meetup" walk with an awesome group of ladies with whom I have already RSVPed for another walk. Got some yardwork done.

Then came my first test since I had resolved to try to not talk much to H unless necessary, even if he initiated. He called on Sunday as he was out shopping. He has always made fun of me for being a health nut, but here he was asking me about what supplements to take and what that herbal tea I used for certain complaints was! He was looking to buy them for himself even though it seemed to irritate him when I brought it up before. I tried several times to end the conversation first, politely and cheerfully (hard to do), but finally was successful. Sort of stuck to my plan?

Monday he called me after work. I heard my cell phone ring, but let it go (not a good signal at home out in the boonies).Then he tried the land line. I let it ring several times, but lost my resolve and picked up. He asked if I was up in my studio painting because it took me awhile to get to the phone, so I let him think that(busy, right?). He,at first, seemed to have no reason to call. Then he started to talk about the death of someone he used to race boats with (a hobby) who had died during warmups and how much it disturbed him...it could have been him. I agreed and just let him talk.

I'm glad I did. He seemed to need to. We talked about our kids (he always asks if I've heard from them as I talk to them everyday or two)and I asked after his parents as he mentioned a trip they were going to take. Then I ended the conversation.

Those were both days off for him. No calls from him and no contact Tues or Weds. I'm going to be busy tonight and tomorrow I will be stopping at his office to drop off a painting and meet up with one of the ladies who works for him (we are all friends) because she wanted to go to a certain function with me.

Saturday is Halloween and I was invited by our friends to come to the annual party. I'm looking forward to it and have no idea if he's going as of right now.

I'm feeling better about my 180s and learning to do WHAT I WANT.

I am getting better and making myself happy and feeling more comfortable with it, not feeling so guilty about being "selfish".

I am feeling more comfortable making plans with other people- I used to feel that I was being bothersome, but now I know people are actually happy to hear from me and say yes to plans!

So, I guess today, my thing to feel grateful for (and this will sound a bit crazy), is this separation. As painful as it is (and it REALLY does lay me low at strange times), it has been good for me to try to find myself again. I realize that when he was constantly asking, "are you happy?", I was answering with a lie. I was lying to both of us. And that part of our marriage not working was very much my fault.

[ciluzen]

So, an update and a question.

I have been to a few functions that H has also gone to, and H has been calling on non-work days to check on me. I felt that I was seeing results from my lack of pursuit (him approaching, calling, texting me). Then my daughter told me that he had stated that I seemed much happier without him. That I was better off without him. This NOT what I wanted to hear!

I was worried that this approach might backfire since he had stated that he felt that I didn't love him, even though I thought I was showing him in many ways.

Now what?

[Sotto]

Hi Ciluzen, don't panic about that feedback and stay the course. Be light and friendly if H gets in touch and don't prolong the contact. For sure, him worrying that you may be happier without him is no bad thing. Focus on you and the things you are enjoying in your life right now....x