And I Do Believe It Could Be; Something Good Has Begun

[AJM]

They are different, HW. And yet, similar. To me, that's because people are people.

In his quest for happiness he is missing valuable time with them and doing a lot of damage to the foundation of his relationship with them. It is painful to watch.

Kind of like with kids (and the similarities are very similar with a MLCr), you can see what they are doing and how it won't work. They can't. Until they can.

Funny story. I kid my son about that same subject. When he was little, maybe 3 or 4, he was curious and was told not to put his hand on the stove, because it was hot. Like a lot of kids, he didn't listen and did it anyway. And learned that he should not have done that and should have listened. A few years later, he was 9 and at the neighbors house. She was baking cookies and told everyone in the house not to touch the stove because it was hot. He did anyway. I kid him about being slow and needing to learn it twice He's a very smart kid. He just needed to learn it in his own way.

Kind of similar for many MLCr's. They may be brilliant but still human and need to learn in their own way. Even if we can see they'll get hurt or are doing damage. They zone out of that world and pursue learning in their own way. As if they forgot everything else they ever learned or never knew better.

And then they grow up. In some ways, almost as the same pace as they got lost. What took years to build up to, takes years to unwind. I always referred to it as an emotional stroke, because that's how it felt when I watched my ex up close. It was like an event happened, she "had to" and "deserved to" be "happy", forgot the rest of her previous life or re-remembered it, and then had to re-learn just about everything about being human.

The MC referred to it as if she were an IED that went off and I was too close. I thought of it as a shattered shell that she was piecing back together. But I could see how clumsily she was going about it and the mistakes she was making. I was just the one person that she wasn't going to listen to. Small consolation, but I haven't been wrong about any of it yet and in many ways it's similar to how I saw the kids and their learning. I wasn't wrong, and I did have to forcibly intervene when absolutely crucial (to prevent serious injuries or maiming) but otherwise, they had to figure out much of it on their own.

I notice he keeps finding ways to talk or give you "gifts" (even if you don't want scary movies for example) and makes an effort to be with the kids. That's unique on its own. In some ways, he's keeping you like most kids do - I want my freedom (compelled in some ways), but I want you where I left you.

I like that you're getting out on your own and enjoying it. That's a great thing. Keep finding those things that help you recharge and explore your own self. But try not to give up hope for the long term even as you detach. You may decide at some point that you won't let him back. But you may decide you will as well. For now, you don't have to make that choice and can freely enjoy the other parts of your life. Take advantage of that. There's a lot to do

Peace,
AJ

[HaWho]

Hi AJ - Hope you are having a good weekend. I hear your advice about not detaching too far for the future. I know that is about keeping the door open.

I have to say, as I sit quiet over here, however, much is being revealed to me. I hate to go back to that letter (I hear the collective groan), but I am still processing it, both alone and through an IC. That letter was kind of like looking at 30 dark red dots on a Monet painting. Looking at just the letter/that section of the painting, you can think it is just part of a sunset.

But, when I look at that letter in the context of my H's childhood, his relationship before me and traits that have surfaced (perhaps emerged) as he has grown comfortable with me, suddenly I see the whole Monet painting and it looks like a very bloody scene. Maybe this is me seeing the "pieces."

I now see my H has transferred his issues with his mother onto that woman he dated before me and now onto me. He has many, many reasons to have issues with women given that primary R with his mother.

When I set that boundary with him, I planted a few seeds that this letter showed he has issues with women. I made one reference to his childhood and how that has impacted his view of women/me.

I now understand that even if he never owns his issues with women that is now an issue with me in our M. It has all been revealed. I don't know what it will take for him to see this. I know, for me, there cannot be a M until he resolves these issues he has projected onto me for years. He has to own them. Pain was inflicted on him as a kid but as an adult he has power now and he needs to fix those if he wants a R with me. I can't do it for him. The letter is not an isolated incident. I do not believe he can overcome his issues without an IC--eventually. But re-wiring like this is kind of like bending a spoon with your mind.

The fact that he has no remorse that the things he said made me felt great shame tells me he is quite disconnected from his feelings. I know this is par for the MLC course. His response was all about him so I know he is no where near ready to own his issues. He is in a lot of denial and lacks any self awareness (at least to me. Maybe internally it is different.) Who knows if he ever will see this.

I have to detach because it truly is not healthy for me to be in a situation where he is transferring everything onto me. It is not hard to do right now because I see what is happening. Raine's sitch was different this way. Her H did not really project onto her, it seems. My H has pasted his mother's face onto me and a bullseye onto my back. It is kind of crazy because I live with him, I am supposed to be the one guiding him, yet he's transferred everything onto me and I have to protect myself here, too. I am wearing too many hats. I need to step away for lots of reasons (break the dance and shield myself from this transference.)

As a quick note: H told kids he went trick-or-treating with S10 last year. Kids dispute this. H stayed home and gave out candy. (Probably he was working feverishly on his bomb drop script to me--ha ha.) He again said he went trick-or-treating and I gently but adamantly disputed him until his memory was jogged. I wanted to make it clear that he cannot remember important events and I want him to know he cannot re-write them either. I told him "you chose to stay home last year. You can come with us or you can stay home again." (He loves Halloween so he should be wondering why he stayed home.)

Wait 'til I remind him of Easter last year -- oi.

[job]

Here's another "success" story about a woman poster and her mlcing h. She had a teenager on her hands and she tested him periodically by moving his toothbrush. HRM had the patience of a saint and as of the last time she posted, they were still together.

Here's her first thread:

Crazytown population me.....

This is her very first posting and if you can't locate the rest of them, go the left-hand bottom of the forum screen and change your setting to all postings and then do a search on her name hrm134.

As you read the various postings, you'll discover that mlcers follow a script, but they are also very individual in how they react/behave towards family and life in general. Each is very unique just as their personalities are unique.

Continue to detach. I think you've been doing a great job in handling your situation.

[HaWho]

Thanks Job. Ok, I will read that thread too.

Thanks for the kind words. It is just such a weird world we have all entered. I wonder if someday MLC will be re-classified as a personality disorder. I definitely think it needs some heavy hitting researchers publishing via mainstream. Like so many before me I thought MLC was sports cars, getting fit and just a ridiculous acting out.

Anyway- have a wonderful Halloween everyone!!!

[HaWho]

Here is something interesting. And I would love some advice please.

As I am out walking the dog, H texts me about my trip this week. He says: so that "we can be on the same page for 'our' boys, what are you telling them?" Then he asks about carpool logistics and other logistical issues.

I answer: I am telling them the truth--same as I told you. I am going on a road trip. Then I answer logistical questions.

He texts: OK, road trip. They haven't asked where? That isn't like them and S10 will ask me. So, let's be on the same page with the answer. There's no good reason to upset them. Go wherever you please. I just want to minimize any impact on them (as I am sure you do).

Me: Don't worry! I will explain it to them. It need not be a big deal. Of course any moment they want to call me they can. I am always available to them and they know this.

H: You are kind of being an a$$. If you smartly change your mind and responsibly want me to have a consistent answer with you for them, just let me know. Otherwise, I will tell them I don't know when asked.
---------
I find this all laughable! He wants to minimize the impact on this kids? Um, from April-July you ran all around, coming and going without even talking to any of us. You rolled in at 2:30 AM on average and your BFF was a never married horny 50 year old on Viagra. When the kids called your phone was always off. Sometimes they left messages and you didn't return them. They stopped bothering to call. If leaving for 36 hours makes me an a$$ then we need to create a whole new word for what you are!! I was left answering LOTS of questions to which I had NO answers you louse!! And I was left holding everything together you idiot!!

I am taking time to process this as I am so mad at his PA insinuation that I am damaging the kids!! How dare he!!! I have been a redwood to these kids, you pre-pubescent moron. Ok rant over.

Do I give a truth dart here? If I do it calmly and rationally could it help him? Or will I be batting at a killer bee's nest? His lack of self awareness is astounding!! I feel like I need to tip his thrown over a ledge.

I fantasize sending the above rant!!

But what about: when you say that you want to minimize any impact on them, it feels like you are insinuating that I am a negligent parent. This is not a big deal and we should not make it one. This is the best way to minimize any impact on them. With all due respect, from April - mid-summer you came and went without telling any of us anything. You rolled in whenever you pleased and I answered lots of questions about you. I had your back and never threw you under the bus. I think I am entitled to 36 hours and you should support me, not guilt me. I let you have months of running all around.

Or do I ignore? But I REALLY feel like he needs a little truth dart/push. I had his back for months I deserve support not guilt.

Thought/advice pointers?

[job]

I'm sorry, but I had to laugh. It's not about the kids and the damage being done to them...it's all about him. He wants to know where you are going and if you are meeting up w/someone. He also doesn't want to have to answer questions from them if they should arise. In fact, he doesn't want to be responsible for them while you are gone.

I would answer any logistical questions that he may have and leave a printed listing on the frig of anything that you feel is relevant for the 36 hours that you are away. Also put on the bottom of the listing that your children can contact you at any time as your phone will be on the entire time while you are gone.

I wouldn't tell him anything more than that. He's quite capable of taking care of the children for 36 hours and should be just fine doing so.

Funny, how they worry about the children and how it looks when we do something out of the ordinary.

Keep to your schedule and do not allow him to pull you off your path. Don't take the bait of responding in a negative way to him. Keep the communication simple, short and sweet and make that list for him.

[HaWho]

Hi Job - it is just SO laughable. Must be so nice to live by your own set of rules and apply different rules to others.

Job- can they remember the running around they did? The coming and going at all odd hours? One other question, we do not have a landline. I plan to ask my kids to call me from my son's cell phone at night and in the AM. (I will put it on the list.) And I can text them to remind them. This way I won't have to call through H. He is going to be SO furious. Wonder how many weeks he will ignore me for this. Let the wagering begin. I think 2 weeks ...

I want to text him a reality check but I know he wants me to engage. I won't take the bait. It will be hard.

Ok - GREAT idea on the list. I am on it. Also, the night before I will
go to my local ATM and withdraw PLENTY of cash so there will be NO trace of where I was. I will tell the kids I am going where the wind takes me. I know my kids are not going to be impacted an iota. They know I am a rock for them.

Now I need to pray to God that I can keep my mouth shut. Time to turn up the elevator music in my head: all the leaves are brown, and the sky is gray ...

[job]

They do remember some of what they did during their crisis. How much? Well...that's anyone's guess, but I would venture to say that they do remember far more than they let on.

Make the list and that way he can't whine about anything while you are gone. Getting funds from the ATM sounds like a good idea.

He's going to be fuming for a while...but you know what...that's life...get over it. LOL! Sometimes a little shake up is good for the soul.

Everything will work out...don't take his bait. If he says anything else, advise him that you are going to leave a list on the frig.

Enjoy your week!

[HaWho]

How funny would it be if I took one of my gimongous suitcases with me for 36 hour trip. Inside all it will have is the backpack I will need!!!

Oh, I can have A LOT of fun with this one...

[job]

Yes, you can have some fun w/this...but be sure you remember what you've told him so that he doesn't trip you up w/his questions.