And I Do Believe It Could Be; Something Good Has Begun

[job]

I think AJ means that all of the pieces have not been revealed to you just yet. As you progress, things will become even clearer and when the time is right, the pieces will be shown and fall into place.

Don't try to rush the process, allow things to progress naturally for you. You are detaching very well and right now, you are right where you should be. You are doing great.

Continue to keep the focus on you and your family.

[HaWho]

So, last week I mentioned that I wanted to go away for BD 1 year anniversary. A few days ago I was nervous about doing so. I took some time and I realize I do want to go away but I was afraid to tell H. I took time to process that too and I know now that I hate confrontation and I was trying to avoid his PA reaction.

I have a theory that all that criticism H threw my way for years was, on a subsonscious level, him breaking me down piece by piece so that by the time he was ready to BD me I would be so weak he could run around pell mell doing whatever he wanted.

And I was SO weak in that whole first year! UGH-PATHETIC!! At one point I even apolgized because somehow I had grown so needy. (Many, many years of H's irrational anger and petty ctiricisms had taken their toll. Plus, I was so defeated by diagnosis of my nephew's rare disorder.) H's eyes lit up and he told me that actually, me being needy was good! That was a moment where I realized our course was way off track. Maybe he wanted to rescue someone or to feel needed. But I hated being needy; it was so unhealthy and pathetic feeling. And naturally, I am a competent person. I was so much stronger 20 years ago!

I used to be very adept at road tripping. During college and after work, on Friday afternoons I would go places. I used to visit my sister at her college and then, years later visit her in NYC. I went to Montreal, DC., hiked mountains, went to Europe, etc. This all stopped with kids. But my kids are older now and I know I want to get back to that adventurous person.

I kind of feel like I am avoiding facing things by leaving that day. But then, at times it feels healthy to just re-do the day my way. I really don't want to see him at all on BD anniversary. I have not decided if I will plan the day or if I will go where the wind takes me. I am very excited by the freedom of it!

I just texted H today and asked him if he could take care of x,y and z with the kids between the time that I planned to be gone. I did not, however, say I planned to leave for a road trip. It seemed irrelevant to do so as, if he could not cover me, I planned to call in some favors from friends and patch it together somehow so I could leave.

H texted back that he could do it all. I said thanks and then I told him I was going away. Crickets chirping--he does not text back. I am sure it will be silent treatment for weeks now. I bet he has no clue it is BD anniversary. Probably doesn't remember any of that. But he knows I am getting my life back by going away. This time, if he texts me incessantly, the way he did this past Saturday, I will tell him I am going off the grid & please only contact me for an emergency. (I will of course call the kids to check-in, say good morning and good night.)

Per H's request today is supposed to be weekly family dinner. Let's see what his actions show. PA behavior may start with this.

Minutes after I tell him I am going away, from the dorm room I heard him open up his guitar case and start a new song.

[Sotto]

Hi HaWho - good for you. And remember, your H's inclination towards PA behaviour is his to own. It needn't impact on you.

Your comment about not recalling BD made me smile. On some paperwork H sent through recently, he cited our S date (BD) as six weeks later than it actually was!! I didn't correct him, but I did tell L just in case..

It's great that you are getting back to doing things you once enjoyed and I hope the trip is all that you hope for xx

[mleigh4]

I am so excited for you, I hope you have a great trip! You inspire me to do my own little beach weekend get away. I used to all the time in my 20's, all by myself, and loved it. Can't wait to hear how your trip goes.

Cracks me up about the silent treatment, that is my H PA punishment of choice too. I am on over 2 weeks of it right now! It's easier to deal with when you know what to expect, huh?

[HaWho]

Hi Sotto - 6 weeks off?!? I guess it is true that MLCers have a warped sense of time and its passing. Wow.

Hi Mleigh - yes- go away! Just the planning is freeing! I think we should arrange a playdate for our H's while we are gone. They can work it all out in the sandbox. Lol.

Yep, I am gettin' full silent treatment over here (plus grumbles). In comparison to some of the cringe worthy comments he has made, the silence is golden.

[LouR]

HaWho - so excited you are going away, travelling is good for the soul,I love it.

Where are you thinking of going on your road trip ?

[HaWho]

Hi LouR- nice to hear from you! Right now my plan is to play tennis the morning I leave. Then I will go to a museum. The next morning I will do a (new) hike, just found an interesting one. Afterwards, I have a spa appointment. I will hit all the bases: social/comptetive (tennis), intellectual (museum), nature (hiking) and recreation (spa)!

By the way, I have been to New Zealand - BEAUTIFUL country. Cathedral Cove and the mineral baths/cold water plunge at the Polynesian Spa were amazing.

[HaWho]

Yesterday my kids made plans with their friends. Months ago, I would have been pining to do something with H.

But I have grown tired of hunting Moby Dick and when kids make plans so do I. Months ago I would have struggled with what to do with myself. Now, I find myself narrowing down options. I once again am very good at comfortably doing things by myself.

SPOILER ALERT: H is in the dorm room creating music. I drop sons off at their friends and text H that kids are away for the night. I tell him to "enjoy the night." I expect silence, but within a minute he texts "you too."

I have a pang that he has no interest in doing anything with me but I feel it, accept it and off I go. I read on a hill and watch the sun set.

One hour after I left the house H texts me. He is still ignoring me. He texts me he has rented 2 scary movies. Then he texts that he will leave them in my room. (I never watch scary movies alone and never have.) I don't answer.

I go on with my night. I have dinner by myself and enjoy it. I do a lot of walking afterwards. Truth be told, I have a really nice night. I feel less alone by myself than I do when with H.

When I walk into my room I text H "thanks" for the movies. One hour later he texts that he will go pickup the boys. I say they are both sleeping over their friends'. He says: good timing as he had just left to pickup S12. I don't answer.

It is sad how clueless he is about the kids and their plans/what is REALLY going on in their lives. The day before there was a Halloween event at S10's school. H was ignoring me and so he asked S10 for time of the event. The day of the event, H showed up as it was ending. I am sure he crossed the time. He looked really mad. I was leaving as the event was over and told him to have a nice day.

In his quest for happiness he is missing valuable time with them and doing a lot of damage to the foundation of his relationship with them. It is painful to watch.

[mleigh4]

I know what you mean about H not knowing what is going on with the kids. S has a book report each month. If I remind H, they work on it. If I don't, it goes forgotten. H is clueless about days S is off school, even though I gave him a school calendar.

I guess their minds are just so spun that they are not able to take in current information. I remind myself how I get when I am feeling really busy and overwhelmed....now imagine feeling that way constantly for months or years! I remember when I was in my own fog, I got easily overwhelmed.

It's a shame they are missing so much that they will never get back.

I love reading how you are enjoying your time. I too enjoy doing things alone sometimes, not many people do! You are doing such a good job of GAL.

I am curious, when you and your H are texting, are you both in the house? Is he texting you from his dorm room?

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh- Happy Halloween!

To answer you, since I set the boundary, H always texts me from the dorm room, even when I am home. I am still getting the cold shoulder. It's all very mature. Ha ha. He does not come to my room at all to talk to me. I try to tell him required things in person at dinner. He does still drive the kids to their practices and pick them up. He walks the dog each night, too. I think he needs to be out of the house. We all still eat dinner together every night. But, some things I text him. I texted him that I was going away next week.

I am reading through Raine's threads. Yes, her H lived at home, but man, are all these MLCers so different once they recite that script. I know her H had many OW's and seemed to flaunt it, but he seemed like he was a little boy, too. He was much more clingy and physically present within the home. There was an innocence and kindness still to him that I don't see in my H. Her H also was quite open about still admiring her and her attributes. My H is much more moody and superficial.