in house seperation (3)

[vise82]

hey,

Yesterday was ok, W was home, the new neighbors were out with there kids, so my kids played with them. W was outside and metions to then that she was at a conference and came home to a dirty house and a pile of dishes. More disrespect as the house was clean yesterday as the babysitter cleaned it. W never found out about the sitter.

I hear this and go in and clean one room that was dirty, as I should but didn't have time yet, its something that would get done with the kids asleep.

I was looking to buy some used soccer shoes and was texting a guy about them in front of my W, and I never text anyone, she get up and goes inside.

That's the way it is these days now she is in one room with one kid and I am somewhere else with the other kid.

Really we get along well sometimes that I don't understand why she wants this separation. This is stuff we could work on.

I was disappointed after the she came back from her conference and nothing really changed. I thought she was going to say she cheated on me or that she missed me.

I know I am not to expect things like that and the changes are for me, so I need to change how I think about this DB.

W took the kids to her parents house for sunday dinner, I went to soccer, I wasn't home when they got home, W texted me but I didn't check my phone till after I got home. That was a mistake and more of the same (a W complaint about me in the MR).

I don't see how this S is going to happen as money is so tight, with no savings and a pile of debt. Then She wins the free online house listing just to mix it up. I wish we could sell and move together just to get us in a better financial place right now, our neighbors beside us did that and bought a smaller house but made a lot of money with the sale of their house.

So no big blow up, we are not arguing, and part of me wants to try and see if I can get a better loving partner, and the other part of me wants this MR to work out.

I just don't understand how she can fall out of love with me and not want to be with me. After all we been through. After al the crap I hear about how bad of a relationship her cousins have and they are still together. Either my W has high standards or her cousin has really low standards.

So going forward, she wants a separation agreement, I asked her to write it and then I will give my input after that, for selling the house, I am working on me and selling the house is not helping me to getting a better place so right now I don't want to sell.

[mutatio]

I would let her do the heavy lifting. If this is the path she wants to follow then she should do the work. I will not aid and abet my wife in her wholesale destruction of our marriage and family. That will be done solely by her.

Stay strong vise

[vise82]

Hey mutatio,

That is a good way to put it:

I would let her do the heavy lifting. If this is the path she wants to follow then she should do the work. I will not aid and abet my wife in her wholesale destruction of our marriage and family. That will be done solely by her.

When this S talk started she tried to get me on board saying asking if I was happy and that we deserve to be happy, THat we don't deserve to live like this its bad for the kids.

So that's how you solve it. I knew at the beginning, this is not how I wanted to deal with the way the marriage was, I wanted to work on it. It just seems like a waste of all the time we had together to walk away. And that I still love her.

She wanted us to be friends and live separate lives but co- parent and do everything together. It was all a contradiction.

So where her mind was at is she lost respect for me and lost attraction to me. But I am great with the kids. Great father, poor H.

She sabotaged this marriage for a while, she stopped kissing me two years ago when we had sex, her head would turn away. But she would tell me its not me its her and that I had nothing to worry about she still loved me. She would refuse to have sex. She wanted me to do non sexual touching, but she wouldn't do it her self. The missed communication is just sad.

I am mad at her for not being truthful to me about this stuff and her keeping it in. And for not wanting to work on it with a MC. And for not making me feel special in this MR. That I was just a place holder, an easily exchangeable ingredient in her recipe of her version of life.

So Christmas is coming and I think she is going to ask me if I am going to spend it with her family with our kids, like nothing is happening just for the kids so that they have a nice Christmas. Just like last Christmas.

[mutatio]

"She sabotaged this marriage for a while, she stopped kissing me two years ago when we had sex, her head would turn away. But she would tell me its not me its her and that I had nothing to worry about she still loved me. She would refuse to have sex. She wanted me to do non sexual touching, but she wouldn't do it her self. The missed communication is just sad.

I am mad at her for not being truthful to me about this stuff and her keeping it in. And for not wanting to work on it with a MC. And for not making me feel special in this MR. That I was just a place holder, an easily exchangeable ingredient in her recipe of her version of life."


Welcome to my world. Listen she is a human who is struggling. She is twisted emotionally and not managing herself well. She is responsible for her actions but maybe this is the best she can do right now.

We have to play the hand we're dealt and this is it. I hate what my wife is doing but am trying to work through it with kindness and compassion. When she divorces me I will know I did everything possible. Fill your heart with love and compassion.

[isittoolate]

Vise82 - The same for me. I wasnt a nice person in the years before the first BD in 2012 and it took all my strength and the DBing techniques to turn the ship around in 2012. I grew as a person, I GAL. After 6 months W accepted me back , but I had only fixed me to become a better person - WE hadnt fixed the MR. That was in hindsight a major disaster

Things were good (at least in my eyes) for 18months or so and then went slowly downhill with W withdrawing and me burying my head in the sand like everything was ok.

I didnt go back on the changes I had made of myself so for W to work out on our MR this time is harder. But I have less to fix of myself.

I can still grow as a person to have greater self-esteem, confidence and be a better dad to the kids. But this time W seems to have checked out completely.

She is willing to wait until the New Year but then the next R talk will come around and she will ask me to leave the home. I will not do it and she will go straight to D - this is what I can see happening. Its like being on Death Row.

All I can do is concentrate on me and the kids. The kids know nothing and will be devastated more so if I am even closer to them. Its the only thing keeping me and W together otherwise she would have walked away.

[vise82]

Hey isittoolate,

So that's what I am looking at, if I refuse or stall the S agreement, and the sale of the house she will be forced to file for D after the one year separation is up.

I don't want to keep my W here when she doesn't want to be with me. I want to be in the best condition to be ready to move out. That means money saved up, credit somewhat restored. For it to actually be able to happen will take time.

My kids know nothing as well. So this is going to get worse. My kids are asking me why I am not going to grandmas and grandpas. I have soccer games now but I don't want it to look like I would rather go to soccer then spend time with my kids.

When I mentioned to them that the babysitter was coming they both cried and didn't want me to leave. I never saw this before. They were so upset. I think they know something is up, they have mentioned about not moving again and that they like this house so much, this is at 6 and 4. How could they not know, my W and I show no affection in front of the kids now, my oldest is very affectionate towards my W like he is taking up the slack. He also show me a lot of disrespect , name calling, not listing, hitting me. I think it comes from how my W and I are acting towards each other like strangers. All I can do is tell him how much I love him and put him in time outs. Also the disrespect could be coming from his mother. She has told him in the past how I only bought her flowers once and that I am so slow doing things and that I didn't do XXX that she asked.

I can see this getting worse as time goes on and I cant tell him the truth right now that mommy wants to walk away from the family and doesn't want to work on the MR.

It doesn't help that my W has turned to the older child for her cuddling and snuggling watching tv and taking him out places. She is replacing what I used to do to some degree with my oldest and he is acting like his place in the house has gone up a notch past me.

I think its great he has a good r with his mom but with the dynamic changed with in house separation that the kids don't know about it confuses them.

[isittoolate]

Vise: With me the inhouse separation is the bedrooms and she has an ensuite and I use the bathroom (and sometimes the ensuite for a shower) . There are zero no-go areas but privacy is respected. I knock on her bedroom door if it is closed. She wont let me see her naked or in underwear. Downstairs is as before BD.

With the house and D: A house separation would mean me renting at least for a year at a cost of £12000 including all bills. We cant afford it without severe cutbacks. No foreign holidays, cutting our savings plans for the kids, cutting cable tv etc,

In the UK, D is after 2 years if there is no-fault. 1 year if adultery, unreasonable behaviour. Then W would probably try to buy me out of the house using some money from her parents and all her savings as part of the D settlement. If interest rates go up, house prices go up and she gets one year older, she probably couldn't afford it and then the house would be sold.

[vise82]

Starting a new thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2622610&#Post2622610


Hey isittoolate,

My in house S is similar to yours, I am in the MB, W is in the spare BR, we usually keep both our doors open now, W is not too concerned with getting changed with the door closed.

W tend to go into different rooms now with different kids, we do at time eat together, and watch movies with the kids, but as soon as the kids are in bed, we are in separate rooms. She used to call me up to watch tv with her but that has stopped since I have stopped going to the inlaws on sundays.

W is going to her best friends wedding this weekend, I was friends with her too but I wasn't invited to the wedding. W is in the wedding party. It will be exactly one month after our wedding anniversary. Same date different month. Again this has to pull on my W heart strings, to get some sort of positive reaction out of her. She cant be that cold hearted that she wont think of our wedding day, me and all the happiness that went with it.

Time will tell.