That [censored]! I would be contacting a lawyer to find out what can be done to protect yourself financially. I'm glad that here...for the most part....after separation any debts occurred are the individuals responsibility.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
I am going to contact a lawyer tomorrow to get additional information. Talked to a good friend today who said she doesn't think I love myself enough and have allowed him to keep too much power by not setting any boundaries and being too accommodating. This sh** is so hard. I'm so tired.
If you are financially viable for something, you have the choice to say no, so take it. Simply don't respond to his requests.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Hi Gr8ful! So happy to see you here again, although I'm sorry your H's insanity continues to remain in place.
Definitely talk to L. Absolutely do not help him buy a home. There is no way I would trust a WS with any responsibility...it seems to be anathema to them. If he gets mad, so what? You don't want to be financially liable for him. Protect yourself, please.
When you say it like that, it seems so easy. :-) I am getting there. I guess I'm just going to have to brace myself for the fallout when I say no or do not answer the next email. I may not be able to keep him from buying a house, but I don't have to make it easy. I just don't want to get into a fight over this. But I do need to set some boundaries. I'm going to talk to a lawyer tomorrow to see what my options are.
Thanks for checking in on me. I haven't had much time to catch up with your situation. I plan to soon and hope you are doing well.
Judy,
I've been catching up on your thread this evening. Wow is all I can say. Thank you for stopping by and giving me your support. You are doing an amazing job of holding it together. Stay strong. Can't imagine how it must feel to be dealing with all you are dealing with. Will continue to catch up with your sitch.
I'm trying to stay strong too. Trying not to second guess the future. Need to get some sleep. Haven't been doing that much lately. Please take care! You are in my prayers.
I may not be able to keep him from buying a house, but I don't have to make it easy. I just don't want to get into a fight over this. But I do need to set some boundaries. I'm going to talk to a lawyer tomorrow to see what my options are.
Speaking with a L makes total sense, I cannot see how you won't have any choice to be connected, if signatures on paperwork are not evident a contract cannot be considere complete. He can't force you to sign.
Don't think of it as getting into a fight, more a standing your ground and up for yourself, by doing so might you be doing a 180?
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
I haven't posted for a while because my life has been a bit crazy and my H hasn't had any contact with me for over 2 months. Today, I got an email at work asking me to call him at my convenience. I waited a couple of hours, then called him. What he asked me surprised me so much, I was not prepared for an answer.
I would have waited at least 48 hours before responding.
My H, who I haven't physically seen in over 9 months has the ba**s to tell me, not ask me, that he was going to buy a house in the city that he has been living in for the past 3 years!
I would just say " thanks for letting me know"I see nothing wrong with him doing this, he is moving on.
I didn't know what to say.
"Have you any particular house in mind"
He didn't say anything about how we were doing or that he wanted to work on us, he just expects me to go along with this.
Yes. I am not surprised. There isn't anything to indicate that you will be working on your M? He has been quiet for 9 months.
WHAT IS GOING ON INSIDE HIS HEAD?
He wants his own house to live in. Seems reasonable to him.
Is this his way of forcing me to ask for a divorce because he is too much of a coward to do it? Or because he doesn't want to be the bad guy? I don't get it! Why doesn't he ask me for a divorce before trying to buy a house? Am I crazy?
The two things aren't linked in his mind. It's straight forward, he wants his own house to live in.
He said he was going to send me an email with the specifics of the documents he needs.
If he does and you have them, give him what he needs. If necessary through an L.
Is he so dense that he doesn't understand that we are still married and I will have to sign at closing?
If he doesn't then he soon will.
How do I approach this?
Get L advice.
What do I say to him?
I am unclear and I will look into it. I will let you know as I can see this is a priority to you. Validate.
I don't think this is a good idea from my side or his side.
Deal with the toys in your sandbox, he deals with his.
Does anyone have any words of wisdom?
Wisdom no, get an L who may!
Do I need to get a lawyer involved?
In my view yes.
Has anyone else been in this situation?
No, but my WH tried to establish an interest into the Big House, which I own after he left.
Sorry for the rambling. I really need some guidance! Has anyone else had the same situation? Please send me some suggestions on how I should proceed!
My views are above. Letc your WH find out his position for himself. You look after yours.
I know I haven't been on the site for a while and I feel guilty asking for help, but l am very confused.
That's what this board is for, if others don't want to post they won't! Guilt is an issue for you?
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I agree with your bestie's comments above.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/23/1506:54 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
You make some good points. The reason I say I don't want to fight about this is because this is the very issue that started our marital downward spiral. It probably isn't the real cause, but it is what started my H's disengagement from our marriage.
Last spring, I did the 180 when he said he wanted to buy a home where he currently lives. I tried to have a conversation with him and voice my concerns about not living together for so long and asked him if he thought it would be very long that he would be in this city. Maybe it wouldn't be a good investment if he wasn't staying long term.
He got very defensive and said that he had no plans to come back to our home in the near future. He was working his dream job and couldn't see himself ever coming back. In fact he didn't want to retire where we live and really didn't see himself ever there again.
This was a surprise to me as he had never mentioned this before. In fact we had talked about living in two different places when we retired. One place being our current home.
After that argument, he didn't visit home for 4 months. Kept making excuses. Although he continued to call me every day and we went on an international trip together.
When he did return in the fall (he said to see our kids), I told him I was feeling that he was pulling away and not happy with our marriage. We very calmly talked and he asked me for a separation. I agreed to it, then the rest of the weekend, he tried to hold my hand and be a couple. It was so weird. He spent some time talking with our son and when he came inside he told me he had changed his mind. He no longer wanted to separate. Could we discuss how we could move forward and make compromises for seeing each other more. I agreed and we made some promises to each other, which of course didn't really pan out on either end.
Then another 4 months go by before he can make it back to our home and in between that time, I could just feel things starting to fall apart. when he came back over Christmas time, he was very stand offish and he picked a fight with me. Me, being so stupid and unaware fell into it. Then we had another disagreement about intimacy and the bottom fell out after that. He blamed it all on something I had done to him 25 years earlier. I knew we were in big trouble then, but wasn't sure how to get out of it.
Then the big fight in January that caused him to throw in the towel so to speak. All of this to tell you that when I did my 180 and refused to agree right away to buying the house, he started his bullying and pouting because he didn't get what he wanted.
I guess all I can do at this point is to continue to stand up for myself and not let him bully me into doing anything I don't want to do. I'm just not sure if I am being unreasonable or as V says, I just need to give him what he is asking for and let him move on, based on legal guidance.
I'm feeling sorry for myself today and want my old life back. But the old life that was good, not the old life with all of the conflict. I wish I felt stronger about making these decisions. I keep second guessing myself.
I really love you. I wish I could sit down with you over a glass of wine or a drink of your choice and pick your brain. After reading your reply, I can see that I have not really detached. I'm not in contact with him, but I really haven't detached.
When you said "he is moving on" it made me so sad. I guess in the back of my mind I'm thinking he is really waiting for me to make a move, but he isn't is he?
He sent me his required list of documents today. That didn't take long :-) funny how quick he is to communicate when he wants something. I'm going to take my time to respond.
I'm going to catch up on you threads this weekend V. I want to understand how you got through your sitch and how you got so clear. I would like to feel more clarity. I feel so muddy and muffled. I'm second guessing every decision I make when it comes to my H and it is driving me crazy.
Thank you again for your time and advice. You are wonderful.
Because your H might bully you is not a good reason to not do another 180. You have a right to get what you want from life as well as him and his rights don't come above yours.
Stick to your guns and use the L to protect you.
On a different but related tack, Where are you with regard to clearly defined goals and plans for achieving them?
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
