I guess the obvious question is how do I know if/when that respect has been earned? What's the difference in terms of her actions between nicey-nice and respect? I could easily see myself falling victim to the situation you mention above. I am hoping for the chance to enforce some boundaries!
man... had a terrible dream about the wife last night... worst one yet, no idea why. In my dream she came over and started saying how she made a mistake bla bla bla... then somehow we got talking about who she had been with. She then listed off about 15 guys during our marriage and since we separated, all of whom I know. Then a little boy runs out of the car. She goes I'd like you to meet your son! I was like what? Then she goes, I am just kidding, that is my son with so and so.
Chuckled a bit when I woke up but jeesssh... that one was killer.
I guess the obvious question is how do I know if/when that respect has been earned? What's the difference in terms of her actions between nicey-nice and respect? I could easily see myself falling victim to the situation you mention above. I am hoping for the chance to enforce some boundaries!
Needless to say, if a woman is not polite and nice......she probably doesn't respect her H very much. Just don't mistake those two acts as being the only by-products.
To me, a woman's attitude toward her H says it all. The H should know her attitude better than anyone else.
If she's lost respect for him, it will show in how she speaks to him. Observe her tone of voice.....level of volume, harsh or soft, sweet or sarcastic, and the attitude in which she speaks.
How she addresses him and chooses her words. Is there cussing, vulgar name calling, put downs, etc.? And again, her attitude says if it is authentic. For example, is she clinching her teeth while faking sweet endurements? How she addresses you to the children. Does she choose respectful words in reference to their father, or when speaking directly to you in front of your children. The same goes for how she speaks to you and about you in front of friends & family.
The way she responds when you speak. Does she roll her eyes, huff & puff, breathe long sighs, tapp her foot, put hands on her hips, cross her arms, twist her lips, snarl, squeeze her eyes shut, look up at the ceiling, ignore you, talk above you or interrupt what you are saying, are all signs of disrespect. Looking into your eyes and really listening, and having a calm/pleasant expression of interest on her face is showing respect, especially in front of others.
If she encourages you and builds you up, instead of telling you all your faults.
If she makes you feel important, instead of worthless.
If she explains how she disagrees or is diappointed, in a loving way.....instead of throwing a fit or sulking.
When she does not allow the children or any of her family to show any form of disrespect for you.
When she is proud of you and brags to others.
When she consults with you before making plans.
When she asks for your advice and/or thoughts, and they are appreciated.
When she stops trying to control and manipulate you.
When she is willing to follow you.
These are just a few that come off the top of my head.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The only thing I question is NC. There may be a time for it, but I don't think absence makes the heart grow fonder. Absense makes a fond heart grow fonder. You have to rebuild a connection with your spouse without it seeming like chasing. If you become the distancer, it is possible the wayward then becomes the pursuer, but if they are happy and free, each day not thinking of you takes them further away from you. If you go 3 months without contact, I would think things are getting pretty cold. Why not a little touch here and there, "Know you love yoga, though you might enjoy this article", etc? And you have to find what works with your spouse. Making them jealous will even work on some spouses, but it isn't the best course for most.
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
Thanks Flight... ironic that you posted this advice as I was having this debate with myself this weekend. Let me repost this in my new thread to get some other takes.
