Dealing with WW, Kids, and Divorce 2

[Drew]

“You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end – which you can never afford to lose – with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”

Just don't use this as an excuse not to take action.

Did your lawyer send you a copy of the RFR for you to approve and be submitted? The longer you allow the status quo, the more likely it will be to become permanent.

And my opinion? Your lawyer doesn't want to go back to change the temporary order because he agreed to it in the first place. As bad as you're getting it, I would document it all and go back in.

[WhyUs]

Fade/Drew,

You both make valid points. I meet with my L tomorrow. When I spoke to him about amending the custody order he said he wants to get the financial order signed first. It has been going back and forth for a month now. It should be signed this week.

I am with you on exposing the affair. I will talk to the L about this again. My only other thought on this is that it will be perceived as pursuing. On the other hand I will be standing up for myself- gaining respect.

I'm not sure how the inlaws will react to the A turning physical. I'm sure WW has lied to them. I just need to figure out the best way to discuss it with them. Not sure if I should call, email, or meet in person.

[fade]

The reason you need to expose the affair to your in-laws is not that you are pursuing your WW, its because you are pursuing fair time with your kids. Their support of your WW is facilitating not only her affair, but her unfairly advantageous position in regards to custody and financials. Without their support (place to live, money, babysitting etc) she is in an untenable situation, right?

As for how to do this, I think this is something that should be done in person if possible. Ideally this weekend when they are watching the kids while your WW is with OM. Otherwise I would suggest a neutral location where your WW wont be there.

And dont make the affair the focus of the conversation, you want to steer the conversation to the loss of your family, the loss of your relationship with your kids. The fact that she is out of state to have sex with OM while you cant see your kids is the hard hitting point. But in this conversation, and in reality, you need to accept that there is nothing you can do on your own to restore your marriage, but there are things you can do to restore your rights as a father.

[Vanilla]

Why

Exposing the A is strategic, not persuing.

If it were me then I would likely want to prewarn the inlaws that the truth is coming if you need to use it in court. Mainly because it's a fault state. I like Fades view on meeting in person too.

I think I would approach the member of the family you are closest to and have a confidential discussion. " I have something I need to discuss with you and I would like you to hear this from me, rather than anyone else." Then disclose and ask, how should I best handle this with our family? I think this is better than a big announcement, you are reluctantly breaking your silence, sad the R went this way, concerned for your kids.

Be prepared to answer some questions, but refer back to WW, as in please ask WW about that. Also WW may backlash and they may see that.

V

[WhyUs]

Okay,

I am supposed to talk to my L today. I will bring this up to him. I am going to ask him to explain his logic in not exposing the A right now. I have a feeling he is going to say that he wants more evidence. He wants her to go visit the OM again so that we can get pictures.

V, just for clarity. My state is a no fault state. However, adultery does affect alimony. Either way, your recommendation does not change.

This morning I was thinking about how dumb I have been regarding WW. I have been wanting her to change her mind. I started thinking about the blatant lies she told in our fist hearing. If she were to ever come back she would have so much apologizing to do. She has told so many lies to me, her friends, her family, and the court that I do not think she would be able to bear the burden of asking for forgiveness from me and everyone she has lied to.

She has already endured the embarrassment of ruining her reputation and family. Owning up to her lies would make her feel as though she was doing more damage.

[Drew]

I think you're focused on the wrong things, the affair and the financials. You should be focused first on your future involvement in your children's lives. Again, maybe it's different in your state, but in mine you don't even start financials (disclosure) until you have a full PERMANENT Parenting Agreement in place.

Ask your lawyer this: What is being done to make the permanent custody order different from the temporary one? You've made several comments that you think or you hope the current arrangement won't be where you end up but I see no actions taken to change that. It's always "my lawyer doesn't think that's a good idea right now." When is it gonna be a good idea? Again, the longer you allow the current status quo, the more the judge will think you're okay with it.

Sorry, if I'm being hard on you, I'm pretty passionate about Father's rights. I fought for 50/50 custody and got it and at somewhat reasonable lawyer's fees. But I was clear from the start with what I wanted. My neighbor however, paid 4 to 5 times as much for a fancy lawyer and ended up with the standard every other weekend and one weekday night every other week. He's since been back to court many times to change that at even more expense.

[WhyUs]

Drew,

I do not see it as you being hard on me. If you can't what you want then what is even the point in saying anything at all. You are right regarding my attitude with the lawyer. I you, Fade, and V telling me how to handle this and my family and L telling the me the opposite.

In my gut I want to go with what you guys are saying. I want to fight for my children. I have now spoken to 3 total Divorce attorneys. Fade is right, they do not want to step on each others feet. One of them even said he did not want to second guess my attorney.

I called my attorney today to speak to him about it and the secretary said he will call back. Apparently he is going out of town for 2 weeks after today. I bet he will not even call me back. I know he has not put in the request to amend the order. I'm really getting frustrated with him.

Yesterday I looked for a Father's rights attorney and never called. I am going to go ahead and place that call today.

We received her interrogatories today. They are about 2 months late. Some of the crap she put in there just irritates me.

Th

[Zephyr]

Yesterday I looked for a Father's rights attorney and never called. I am going to go ahead and place that call today.

YES. there is ZERO harm in this, but a huge upside.
Take care of yourself and your relationship with your children.

[WhyUs]

Well, I have called three attorney's and it looks like no one likes to work on Thursdays.

On another note, I am feeling like crap today. I have just been really down in the dumps. It seems like no one but the people on this board can really understand what it is like.

I read WW's answers to the interrogatories and it makes me sick that she described our marriage as though I was this terrible husband. She said I have an explosive temper and that my parents could be witness to that. What is she even talking about? Her parents were more likely a witness to her explosive temper and anything my parents have ever witnessed.

One thing she did say in the answers is that she did not want to go into detail about everything unless I did not want to settle. That is the first time I have seen her mention wanting to settle. Right now I just want to get this thing over with and get her out of my life as quick as possible(even though she will never be completely out).

Then there is the side of me that just wants to talk to her. She was my best friend, my confidant, my everything for so long. Now, during the most difficult time in my life she is my enemy. I just wonder sometimes if we could just speak without going through L's if it would help move this thing along peacefully.

I mean, at what point will the WW stop being so damn mean.

[Drew]

One thing she did say in the answers is that she did not want to go into detail about everything unless I did not want to settle.

Of course not. Then her dirty laundry would be out there also. Don't fall for this.

And again, you're giving her too much space in your head. You're not going to figure her out right now if ever. Trying to will just keep you spinning. And while you spin the clock is ticking.

Focus on you and your children.