H just moved out, making it hard to detach

[Mona52]

Yep, that 'as-if' is hard. You know you cant act on everything he does that 'might' mean he is thinking of returning, but it is too hard to try and ignore it.

People always wonder how long they have to pull away? When will they know it is Ok to jump back in. I think 2 things have to happen. First, he has to be ready. And you cannot just think he is ready, he has to come right out and say he is really, really ready to work on the M. Not just he thinks maybe he will. The second is you have to be ready. There is no way you are going to come out of this the same person as when you went in. Don't rush this process too much, even though it is so hard. Finish cookin', then look back at your M.

So far your goals look fantastic. Focus on them like an obsession and this will move along quicker then you think.

[ciluzen]

I've now finished DR as well as DB and ... DR was much more helpful to me at this point, because of all of the explanations and examples. I also had been beating myself up every time I fell off of the detachment wagon, DR helped me to understand that making mistakes in this journey is normal: one just has to realize the mistake was made and get back on track.
I know I'm supposed to be working on me and setting goals, but I keep getting hopeful after friendly, positive interactions and then I want more. Its like being on a low carb diet and seeing great results; then you treat yourself to a small piece of cake at a party and remember how good it is. Then you REALLY want more, and thus begins the willpower fight.

In my absence from here I set some smaller, short term goals:

a) I want him to make eye contact with me and hold it(he hasn't really looked at me when we've talked in a long time)--he has been doing this lately
b)I want to see him smile at me when we talk (same as above)-- I have gotten this lately, as well.
c)I want a compliment (he hadn't mentioned anything positive about the way I looked in years and I had started fishing for them!)-- He told me the other night after we had gone to a function for mutual friends(separately), "I don't know how many people told you you looked good tonight, but you look really good". That was nice.

With that, though came those feelings of hope, then me calling (once) and texting(once) when not REALLY necessary, thinking I'd blown it, then over thinking, then some negative thoughts. Was he just being nice because he's a nice guy? He is a very charming guy to his clients and friends...am I just being friend-zoned and getting excited because being treated like he treats everyone else is so much better than how he WAS treating me? He did tell me he would always be my friend. Ugh.
I still need a lot of work on detaching. I still care too much about what he thinks, what he does, what his life is like right now, who he talks to. When will I see him again. But I am working on staying busy, changing my H centered life, and doing what I want to do. It just gets to me sometimes.

[ciluzen]

Somehow, Mona, I missed reading your post.
It helped to read that bit about him having to be really, really ready to work on the marriage. Because I haven't really gotten detached, I do tend to want to obsess on what he might be doing or thinking. He is not at the point where he is ready to talk relationship yet. I have to remind myself that he's only been gone about 2 weeks! Patience seems to be hard for me here in this aspect of my life, whereas I'm known for my patience at work.
I do need to focus on my goals like an obsession. I think I'll try to get into that mind set.

[ciluzen]

My goals for today, as I'm feeling a little under the weather (the fun part about working with lots of kids)...

a) make it through the work day (lol)
b) call friend I haven't spoken to for awhile
d) don't call or text H; and if he calls, validate, listen,smile as I talk,don't overshare, be the first to hang up.
e) 40 minutes on treadmill
f) paint
g) design business card
h) eat a good meal

What I am grateful for today:

a)friends who care enough to call or text to check on me
b)daughters who are becoming good, responsible adult people but still make time to see both of us and not pick sides.
c)an H who is trying to make this situation as easy on me as he can while he figures out his issues.

I owe it to all of these people and myself to GAL and work on myself and my own issues.

[ciluzen]

H came to the house to get his mail yesterday. He called three times to make sure I would be home.

To make sure I eat well, I've been making a protein each week and then making meals off of it. So I had made pulled pork on Sunday and was using it in a tortilla with taco stuff (lettuce, cilantro, avocado, salsa...) last night. I told him on the phone that he could take some with him if he wanted because he paid for the pork and I had more than enough and would have to freeze the rest anyway. He told me he would like that.

So, when he showed up and saw me preparing my dinner, I asked if he wanted any (no reason to be impolite). He looked surprised and said he thought he would watch a little football. NeIther of his teams were playing and he has a tv at his apartment, though. He took his dinner downstairs and I asked if he minded if I watched with him (I know - pursuer behavior). He said that would be fine. We watched until we were done eating, talked briefly about little things, he played with the dog a bit, then said he was going home. All very pleasant and upbeat, even though he told me how tired he was. I live a half hour from town so his drive is out of the way and I could have brought him the mail to his office after my work.

So, what is my take away? I'm confused. Is he checking up on me? Lonely? I know as a pursuer my 180 should have been to not go with him to watch the game. But he also seemed to need my presence. And with his complaint of not feeling loved in the past, (I did often leave him alone watching tv to do my own thing) I felt that I was showing him love without invading his space.

But I also gave him power over me by leaving the decision of whether I watched with him up to him.

Goals for today:
a)Do only what is on my list of things to do
b)DO NOT CALL OR TEXT H! I've spoken to him every day since Friday. I need to be too busy to do that (or at least pretend to be). More mystery.
c)Stop telling him all about what I have going on, even when he asks. That's a 180 right there. I need to learn how to be politely vague. More mystery...again.

Goals for the rest of this week:
a)GAL with detaching full force
b)Stay busy
c)Get over this cold
d)MORE MYSTERY!!!

[Azzork]

But he also seemed to need my presence.

I dont really understand this. What do you mean?

Do you think it's your job to see to his needs, now?

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[ciluzen]

But he also seemed to need my presence.

I dont really understand this. What do you mean?

Do you think it's your job to see to his needs, now?

I guess I'm saying I'm used to being there for him when he is troubled, and he seemed to need someone yesterday. If it was just loneliness then I'm glad he chose to come to me, even though I really just did what I was planning on doing for the evening anyway. I didn't make a big deal out of him being there, but did act "as if". I tried to follow Sandi's rules while he was there.
I waffle on the football part because I have been so dependent on him for my companionship that I identify as a pursuer, but I also fear him taking my detachment as proof of not loving him...the assumption and misunderstanding that drove a wedge between us in the first place.

As it happened, he only stayed long enough to eat and make small talk. Still not sure what he was after, but I've been known to be clueless.

[ciluzen]

I'm taking the day off of work (stupid cold/cough) and have time to think. I've been actually running myself ragged trying to GAL, having some adventures along the way, but making myself too tired to fight off an illness (was finally able to sleep longer most nights after the depression lightened up a bit, then the coughing started). I'm one of those people that, normally, doesn't often get sick.

So, a few things that are bugging me. I am getting more comfortable, and happier, with myself and GAL. Still want him and miss him, but I'm learning from these boards and my reading that it has been a short time since BD and I'm probably going to have a long road ahead of me when it comes to his side of this. Especially since he's in his own place. But
a)his behavior Monday confused me.
b)I felt the need to start looking for a C and my first foray into this scared me. I just wanted to talk to someone and then be prepared with a name in case he agrees to couples counseling.

I went to a counseling session with a therapist on Tuesday. I had gotten her name from another psychologist whose lectures I've always enjoyed (he used to be a marriage and family therapist but is now involved in a project). After thinking on that session for a while, I won't be going back.

I don't need someone to tell me how unfair my H is being, how controlling H is, or how badly H has behaved. These are all things I've already realized and dealt with in one way or another (basically beat him over the head with). So H and I both know all about how badly HE behaved.

I was discussing how I've been realizing the part I have played in our relationship issues and she kept arguing with me. I found myself almost defending him, not a position I want to take either, since its more about me UNDERSTANDING how my actions and responses to his actions furthered our problems; not CONDONING them.
She had told me when I had spoken to her on the phone and said I wanted to be seen individually and then as a couple when he was ready to go that she could not do that. That she would forge a relationship with me and it wouldn't be fair to him to be brought in later.
Isn't she supposed to be objective and unbiased? I don't want an ally against him; just someone to help us work better to save our marriage if possible.

How do I find someone other than the boards here to help? I have insurance that will pay towards this, but I don't think I can afford DB coaching right now.

[ciluzen]

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