It sounds that V has total control of her own life indeed. It is a bit unfair and for sure it hurt, but in the end what counts is that V has an amazing respect for herself and is in charge of her own destiny.
Your XH had his days of glory taking advantage of your trust and love, but that is gone and he will need to face his own choices in life. Even if he is in total denial right now, time will catch up with him and he will finally see his wrong doings. Everyone gets there.
I am so proud of you. It's hard work to clean the house, but it is very gratifying to have it done by yourself. Soon you will find yourself in a more peaceful place. You have been such a fighter throughout of this all, and you have done it with so much class and respect. I really admire you. Makes me always believe I can do my best too.
V, You always makes me laugh with some of your silly posts, I love your sense of humor. Wish one day we could sit down all together and just have a good time laughing, even if it is to laugh at our own disgraces, it would be a blast.
Your thread has locked, and I have something to say.
XWH has probably been dumped by TauC, he wants you as plan b, until he is all back in and is prepared to repair his M, it's all smoke and mirrors. Next week it could be different.
He sacked you as his W, said he was going abroad leaving everything. Expected a new life, reality hasn't dawned yet.
Change the locks, why should he behave as if he still lives in your home. You have a very small window to get the message across, I am moving on WH. Let me live my life free of interference.
I say this to RD, you need your privacy, let WH face his demons. As you can see in some sitches this is best of all. Get yourself to where you want to go.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/22/1501:19 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
That's what we should hold out for, huh? All-in, remorseful, willing to do anything: without that, there isn't really much chance of a solid R. It would be a matter of time until the entire thing blew up again.
V, I have a question. Since H hates me so much, do you think he's really going to care when I start making plans for life without him? I get the feeling I disgust him, and he wants me gone.
That's what we should hold out for, huh? All-in, remorseful, willing to do anything: without that, there isn't really much chance of a solid R. It would be a matter of time until the entire thing blew up again.
I am learning, Ms Wise One.
You got it.
Now for your quick, I will do my best to put my thoughts clearly.
However Anc, you are mind reading WH feelings as disgust. None of us has a clue, I personally tend to the view he is struggling to get control back, although none of us can be sure. The fear here may be loss of esteem in others eyes. There is usually a fear somewhere along the way.
It really doesn't matter very much why. It could be because he prefers to eat spinach, his toe hurts, or he fancies having a wild time. What WH thinks of you is his business, none of your concern, what you think of you is more valid.
The important thing is you, getting you back to the best you can be. If you decide you want an R with your WH then it can be from a very healthy standpoint. Personally I want to see you strong and fully healed and there is a long period in which you have been run down physically and mentally.
Your WH hasn't even got to any type of realisation phase, he is still crowing his apparent victory over his W.
In my view you can enjoy a healthy recovery period involving 100% NC for a very long time. My big concern is that as in Mustardseed case, you get angry, enforce boundaries, and end up isolated and with a non molestation order of some kind.
That is why I recommend you get away as soon as you can, it is best not to be triggered again. Be safe.
Is there anywhere safe you can go? Visit a friend or relative in the country or city? Hire a small room somewhere that you can get peace for a while.
NC means for a long time, in my case my physiology is taking 6 months to settle down and I am 6 months of pitch black NC. Blocking calls, texts, emails and contact is only through L.
Record all interactions if you can. Watch out, tactics by WH have worked so far, he struts enough. When that stops, beware, another tactic may be going on and it likely isn't in your interest. Has this WH got your best interest at heart, has he behaved lovingly, kindly and with care towards you?
That's rhetorical, and being such a softie myself, I tend to impute the best motives, this may be very difficult in your case. With Msd, I was hesitant and my warning wasn't clear enough to her, wasn't written in strong enough language. GG, was my saviour on this and called it, she said " you are being abused V, and Wonka told me to be safe. I listened, when @H left on 2 May. I decided he should not come back, I wavered several times but GG and Edz and Sotto kept me strong. Dawn was my guiding light, my beacon, and fortunately even though WH kept showing up, I stayed NC. It was very hard.
I can not say this enough my lovely, you are no longer alone oK? There are tough days ahead, but keep posting and the lovely folks here will keep on offering you their support.
As you are now spellbropen, you will also be a spellbreaker too. You will spot this in others sitches, just as Msd did in yours. You can now not unknow. As you are spellbropen, others who really care about you will come forward and disclose, they are safe to do so as you are now listening and no longer enthralled. Things may be disclosed that horrify you, in my case gambling debts, Many other women throughout our R, visiting dating websites, WH saying he would be better off if I were dead. Saying I was ugly and a dog, like many women on dating websites. That wasn't disgust but it is disgusting.
Msd, Z (although she is having a break from the board) Greengrass and myself are further along the road to recovery. Some of WH behaviour will baffle you. Ignore any advice which suggests you forget odd behaviour, mind reading is out and take the most protective stance for you that you can.
Please Google the grey rock technique, your aim is to be as bland and inoffensive as possible. As blah as you can. I went further than that and I did breeze block. I put up a grey conreate wall and hid behind it. I dress as ugly as I can, appear as blah as I can sometimes in case I run into someone who knows him. If asked I say I am doing OK, I talk about the garden, weeding, some boring TV show or the effects of the weather. I talk about my white van a lot. Incidentally a small van is a great idea in this sitch. It's so bland and blah, and cheap to run. Get a good L and hold your cards very close to your chest.
My favourite resource website at the stage you are at was healing hurt, it's a practical UK based charity website.
I am hereally for you, I am sending you every ounce of my rainbow strength. Whatever you decide, it's always your choice. Heal from the physiology up, take extreme self care with your health and this is the long haul.
Peace and big big hugs
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/22/1509:46 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Question not quick! Where did that come from. Should be hidden hurt, grits teeth and growls, hitting head against concrete blocks. ://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk Add http The spellbropen is deliberate misspelling, my attempt at humour huh
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/22/1509:58 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
My fave line is to disagree to things someone says without being major blunt.
Is I can see how you think that but I however think differently. Thanks wonka, for that golden Jem.
Wonky is a gem that's for sure, I do however see the statement as majorly blunt, it's I saying "I see how you think and it wrong"; the "but" is the operative word that says everything before this, you disagree with.
Maybe a better way, if we are truly practising validation and prevalidation is to say something more along the lines of "what you say makes sense, can you help me understand that sense as I'm not getting it just yet and I'd like to?"
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti, yes that's true but with an abuser spouse, saying "I do not agree" is boundary enforcement.
That changes when your R is with a different type.
With anyone who bullies to say that one hears and then boundary enforce is the very best response. No validation of an abuser is going to help unless qualified. The idea is to close down the opening to rant or abuse. In most sitches the idea is to open up the connection not close it down. This isn't the case with an abuser.
Prevalidation is out of the question, it creates an opening for an abuser to abuse. Just to explain, prevalidation is a small observation or testing of the certainty of a view prior to validation. It can be an opening question or statement "tell me"; " I don't understand" or " I am processing this, I would like to know*. With an abuser, really their answer will just invalidate or abuse you.
For instance, my WH starts with "you never buy the food I like". With a WAW you might say "what food would you like?" And then you get a list of foods that aren't in the shopping (prevalidation), so you say "thank you for clarifying, I see your point, We include these on the list in future. If I give you our on line shopping list will you review?".
With an abuser you get "so stupid, if you loved me you'd know what I like". Then the rant is off and running. Plus whatever you put on the list to please them, the rule changes. Hence the A P P L E juice rant discussed on my thread. V you buy the 'wrong' bacon.
Prevalidation opens abuse.
It is important to prevalidate in most sitches, sadly not abusive or irrational ones.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/23/1504:36 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
