So h and ow broke up (for now) amd he's been coming home. Sleeping on couch. But he's been doing this new thing. He keeps saying it is boring. I'm boring... what can I do at 230 am... when the kids are sleeping. Last night he didn't come home. He went casino. And then he whines about not having any money. Whatever. I know I'm not boring. Yesterday was another busy day. Me day and then nieces bday party. Ugh it's monday... work work work...
Know this, it is called projection. When WH says you are boring he means he is, when he says you haven't changed he means he hasnot. If he says you are stupid that's how he feels about himself.
Damaged individuals find someone with the matching skill, it is their attempt to make themselves whole.
Casino going, scuzzies, addictions, compulsives are all distractions from the inside work he needs to do. Until he accepts the hole in his soul this will be his behaviour.
Is WH normally compulsive?
Does he drink?
Does he smoke?
Does he overspend?
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi avanti. I have so many goals I just don't know how to achieve them. I have written them down but have a hard time of doing them or getting them done. I have read the Dr book like 3 times. I cannot set boundaries. I'm so scared these boundaries will push him away. He says that there is no hope for us. He says move on cause I have. What kind of boundaries do i set. What kind of goals do I want. These are the steps that are holding me back. I have been detaching and have slightly gone dark. I only see him at nights. But starting tonight I will start being a stranger to him. I hate the things he was telling me just now. How can he buy me a anniversary gift last year and a month later cheat on me and then tell me I never cared for him or his feelings. I don't know. I know I haven't been doing right and have been here since March. I'm acting like I'm his door mat. 2nd choice. Why do I act like this. I have confidence of finding someone who will care more for me but my heart wants my h. But I will continue to concentrate on me and my kids. I won't believe everything he says. I told him to really think about who really cared for him. For 1 year of having an affair I still respected him I still cared for him and all he did was continue to have an affair and forget who i was. But it's OK cause it makes me want to work harder on myself so I can be the best. And only a fool want to leave. He needs to really work on himself but I DDon't think he knows he needs work to be done on himself. He thinks that he's right about everything and that he's better off single.
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
O, think about your daughter. I know she is young, but she is watching you and by your example you are teaching her what to accept as treatment as a woman. How would you feel if someone treated her this way in the future? If you have trouble setting boundaries for yourself, which I understand, a lot of us do, then do it for your daughter. You are her role model. She is learning from you. Your actions speak louder than your words, and she is absorbing all of this, watching it all and recording it in her brain. And the thing is O, you are just as valuable and worthy as your precious daughter.
You should want this for your own self, but for some reason you don't value yourself to do this. You are worth more. You are worth fidelity. You are worth respect. You are worth love. You are.
I don't know how you've managed this long, the stress and heartbreak of your sitch are going to catch up with you one day in the form of illness, depression, something, I don't know what, but you can't continue this way. Put yourself first. Please, you are so worth it.
Hi avanti. I have so many goals I just don't know how to achieve them. I have written them down but have a hard time of doing them or getting them done. I have read the Dr book like 3 times. I cannot set boundaries. I'm so scared these boundaries will push him away. He says that there is no hope for us. He says move on cause I have. What kind of boundaries do i set. What kind of goals do I want. These are the steps that are holding me back. I have been detaching and have slightly gone dark. I only see him at nights. But starting tonight I will start being a stranger to him. I hate the things he was telling me just now. How can he buy me a anniversary gift last year and a month later cheat on me and then tell me I never cared for him or his feelings. I don't know. I know I haven't been doing right and have been here since March. I'm acting like I'm his door mat. 2nd choice. Why do I act like this. I have confidence of finding someone who will care more for me but my heart wants my h. But I will continue to concentrate on me and my kids. I won't believe everything he says. I told him to really think about who really cared for him. For 1 year of having an affair I still respected him I still cared for him and all he did was continue to have an affair and forget who i was. But it's OK cause it makes me want to work harder on myself so I can be the best. And only a fool want to leave. He needs to really work on himself but I DDon't think he knows he needs work to be done on himself. He thinks that he's right about everything and that he's better off single.
O - Ive seen Starsky ask this many times, and I think its a very viable question.
"Do you think your H has any fear of losing you?"
Read what I bolded in the quote above.
If he has no fear that you arent going to be right there to pick him up when he falls, why should he ever learn to stand?
Oh AZZORK you've hit the bullseye. He's not afraid of losing me AT ALL!!!! According to him he doesn't care about me. But we did set boundaries last night. So we'll see how it works out... What can I do if we love together still. Do I do his laundry? He never helps around the house anyway and never expected him to.
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Hi V. So when he says no one ever cared for him or his feelings what's he saying? When in fact he knows how much I CARED!!!! maybe own didn't but I did. He was always a chill guy. Drinking occasionally, smokes cigarettes nothing else. We've always been over spenders. We love to buy stuff... we didn't go to casinos cause we would lose ourselves but occasionally we would go and play a few hundred. Nothing Outrages. Now he says he's changed and doesn't give a f about anyone or what anyone thinks of him.
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Oh AZZORK you've hit the bullseye. He's not afraid of losing me AT ALL!!!! According to him he doesn't care about me. But we did set boundaries last night. So we'll see how it works out... What can I do if we love together still. Do I do his laundry?
Hell no. He is a big boy he can wash hos own drawers. He can make his own dinner. He can tie his own shoes. Etc.
You are not his mommy even tho he is acting like a child. He told you explicitly that he does not care about you. You need to allow him to reap what he sews.
He never helps around the house any6way and never expected him to.
As far as not pulling his own weight...I've never understood that POV but if that is ok with you, then that is your choice. If not than I am sure there are posters who have had that issue and would have better advice than what I could give.
I'm worried if I don't than he's gonna get mad and say something like he did before. Is this a hint that your not washing my stuff. Oh its OK I'll do it myself. If I don't isn't that pushing him away?
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
That is being passive aggressive on H's part. I agree with Zephyr, he is a grown man and can do it himself. If he goes through with divorce and becomes single who do you think is going to washing his dirty underwear??
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Does he wash your clothes? No, so as he doesn't care about you why should you still do his laundry? If he asked why you didn't do it, say I didn't have time too busy with D!
I know it's hard as I can see a lot of similarity with my situation. In just starting to let go (7 months later), and I can feel myself coping better everyday.
Hang on, it's not a pleasant ride but I do believe it will be worth it in the end!
