Peace, I think you'll find that this is helpful to your daughter. Her seeing for herself and making up her mind is something she'll have to do at some point in her life. Doing it now, with your support and guidance is likely the best of all outcomes. If it happened much later, it could be much more devastating.
As for the OW. You know by now that any comparisons to what he was before and what he is now isn't realistic. And he'll make his own decisions. But I wouldn't be surprised if more changes are in his future. Just sayin'
I come by that honestly. Somebody asked me today about a pic of my ex. I don't have any other than old family pictures, but she did post on my son's FB page a few days ago. I didn't look at the time, but did when I was asked. It's not the person I knew, peace. Looks much older than she is with very sad eyes but otherwise healthy. They sometimes are not the same. Nonetheless, I found myself wishing her the best. Not my idea of the best, but the best her life can bring her.
I remember what it was like going through the turmoil and a lot of me wishing her to leave and find that "happiness" she was looking for. I honestly hope she finds it and can share it with the kids. Who knows? She may have already. The point is that I am not to judge her current self or life. I don't know her or what is going on behind the eyes. I only know what I see every few years.
But I never wish any harm or bad things for her. Took a long time to get there and not be overly protective of the kids around her. A very long time.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I deleted my end of the account so can't see it anymore,,My D still can on her computer
MY D hasn't said anything about it, I agree..at least this initial contact for her can be guided by me..you are right..and she is smart,I believe she will be ok
AS for XH and OW , this did kick up a lot for me 6 years no contact Its been almost 9 years since it all began I guess I am still processing, maybe old unfinished grief too I want to wish the best for them..At this moment, I am still a little angry for his continuous lack of empathy and integrity I don't know they are..I sense this is a game the oW is manipulating They have no friends..why post a picture?
I can only continue to work on myself and be the best parent and person I can
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I've learned over time to trust my instincts, Peace. I have little doubt you're likely right that it is at least a gambit aimed at your D. Whether from her or from him? Hard to figure that out, and not necessarily pertinent, right? Your D is the important part.
And yeah, I can see it has kicked up some unfinished business for you. That's not necessarily a bad thing though. The good thing about dealing with it now, is that it gets dealt with much more quickly and with finality.
The anger? Can you trace back what exactly the anger is about? I mean, I know the lack of integrity and lack of empathy, but by now I suppose you can expect that of him. He may not have the ability for any more depth than that.
Is the anger about more than him contacting your D? More than the lack of empathy and lack of integrity? I think it may help to know for sure. I'd hate to think his problems would affect you for the rest of your life. That would be the worst possible outcome in my book.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hi Peace. As you deal with this, something to think about.
As you look at this, are you at a point where you can separate what he did to you, vs what he did for himself? Are you able to see the difference between hurting you and leaving? What it was you wanted and thought you had vs. what he did?
I doubt seriously he started the relationship with you thinking he would turn out like this. I'm sure there's some self-loathing and anger at himself. Enough for both of you. I'm sure that if you don't deal with those emotions and figure out the above, you'll be stuck for a lot longer than you need to be. The damage will be bigger than you deserve.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
It's hard when they reach out.. My W has been missing in action now for 95 days with our D's. No contact at all
Last email to me was a sept 29 about money
Like AJ said, your D will decide for herself what kind of relationship she wants with her dad
You have shown her strength and security, that's something that He and OW have failed at big time.
Trust your gut I do mine. Trust your D as well :-) My D's chose not to reach out to their Mom since that person is no longer existant for now. If she comes back and puts Her D's first and not just want to connect to make herself feel better, I'll help
If it's to clear their conscience ... Too bad for them.
Old wounds are just that. Old. You've delt with it already so put them back where they belong , on a deserted island , in a box or where ever and continue to move forward for you and your D
Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Peace, I periodically come here and was surprised to see your story.
I feel for the kids. Unlike in your situation, my X is not gone. He has improved as a father but still acts put upon to spend some extra time with her (at her request). I have worried that she might get involved with someone who treats her distantly and with some disdain, which is how I felt X treated me.
I have observed other in X's family and note that his brother has a way of remaining distant when people could really use a hand and then popping back into people's lives when he needs or wants something. As my D is his only connection to the younger generation and he has seen her only once, I feel that as she gets older I need to help her understand that you are not under duty to help someone as they get older and start to think about who might take care of them. I might caution similarly with X. At least he has a connection with her but I have already seen him leading on her unreasonably.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
HI Forward Good to see you here again, Thank you for your thoughts Its been a long time!
You sound well and Im happy that everything seemed to fall in place for you
AS for us, we also landed well on our feet I was surprised that D heard from XH, but IM glad she got an apology and if that is the best he can do..its ok
I like what you said, and I have wondered what the future holds hopefully my kids will find the closure they need, and your D will see your example as a strong capable women now in a successful R and mine will also
but in all truth both my kids seem to be doing quite well without him I do have a lot of faith and trust they will continue to thrive in their lives Peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
