Rouky, you are consulting with your feelings, where is your plan and the goals they are aiming to achieve?
Looking back at what went wrong, you did or didn't have is productive to a point, until you know where you want to head, too much reflection can bring you down.
You are right you can't make your husband do anything, you have power over you and you seem to have Really realised that. It may have taken you longer than some, so what, it's your life not theirs so stop comparing yourself. There are others who've not got to where you are and won't for some time yet until they start to look forward and to where they want to be.
Use this reflective walk (and the fudge cake) as your spring board toward a better life for Rouky. You know what to do, all that needs to happen is the decision to get moving. Goals and plans are key fundamentals, get your head into them and the movement will start.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
My problem is that I tend to over think, and as you pointed out I NEED to start afresh with my plans. H has still much power over me!
Lost it with him today, got a text from him to bring him a cooking appliance! I know I have been very stupid in handling it. No hi, thank you in his text really wounded me up, brought it to him then asked him who he was cooking for. No reply than I said I'll not have my appliances used by him to cook for her! H got very defensive (like what I do with my life is my business, and why do you dare to talk to me about OW!)Then carried on asking him to bring back my cooking books! I really lost it, but at the time it felt good.
Now just journaling about it. I'm too emotional and I need to reduce amount of contact with him to minimum. Not even sure I want to save my M anymore. If I bring the A on the table just for an appliance, what would stop me from doing it again?
I'm frustrated as H chose the easy way out to end M (no honesty from him, no decent action from him), that he shows no remorse for what he has done and mainly no excuses for his despicable behaviour!
Rouky, I'm so sorry. The lack of responsibility is a sign, though, that you clearly recognize.
I wouldn't have handed over my appliance, either. You're not really married, you're not really friends, so what makes him think you're okay with bringing him things he asks for? I see a need for some boundary setting here. WS love to act as if nothing has changed. LBS really need to act as if everything has changed, or the WS would be content to carry on in this manner forever.
Hi Rouky. I just lost it with H too. Dealing with sons car accident. Having to ask my mom to help pay. The people son hit won't accept payment to car repair shop. They want money directly to them. Anyway. I have cried in front of these people twice. While H is off planning furniture shopping with OW So I sent H a text saying something to the effect of: The burden I have been caring is too heavy I have had enough. I'm not doing this anymore. Here I am trying to figure out how to pay for this and you are out having fun. You have made a fool of me and a fool of the life I have lived. U can pay for car repair!!!
Thanks for taking time to reply. Can I be honest? I'm scared of setting boundary as I see it as a way to push him further away. I agree I'm being taken advantage of, all because of fear!
I think I need to put my feet down on few things. The fear of doing it wrong is preventing me from doing anything! I should have more faith in me! Why am I scared of him and his reactions?
It has been nearly 8 months that I have been a single mother. He isn't showing sign of coming back. He is happy to lead his life as a single man!
You are right Ancaire everything has changed and I should act as we are divorced, and only keep it amicable for the kids.
I really need to wake up and start acting as an adult, not expecting someone to do it for me!
Well, no one said this was easy. It's terrifying to change the dynamics; however, change is what is necessary. You change, he has to change in response. You have zero control over whether his response is positive or negative. You need to look out for you. His actions hurt you. Take that power to harm away from him. He won't like it, especially at first. He might say you're being mean, or call you names (every man seems to love referring to us as female dogs.) So what?
Are you telling me Rouky can't stand up to a bully? I believe you can. You want to think he cares. I assure you, if he is in an A, he does not, no matter what he says.
Until the day you once again see the person you married, the personality currently occupying H' s body is a bully. It's all about him: his wants, his needs, his feelings. How do we tell our kids to deal with bullies?
No need to be mean. Just be polite, short, and to the point.
Jpeg...well, yes, you broke DB rules. We all do. Then we pick up the pieces and move on. You already know you could have handled that better. Make a better plan for next time.
Funny enough I tell my daughters to stand up to bullies but I don't do it myself! Not setting the right example.
Mind is such a powerful thing: it can make you happy or it can freeze you with fear!
So far what I have done isn't working. I'm leaning towards going dark as much as I can do because of kids!
I do believe that if I didn't have to deal with him and he was completely out of my life (sorry to say that but not on this planet, I'd feel better and clearer in what I want.
Thank you for being honest Rouky. I think that is the most important thing in this whole process, honesty. Honesty to ourselves to our Hs, to our kids. No sugar coating. I can totally relate to what you said re boundaries pushing H farther away. It seems to me when I go dark he feels more free. Fear is what is holding us back At times I feel I have been frozen by fear
