Goals are very personal and should be based on what you believe in and want most.
The way many have found works is to start with the end in mind. Take some time to yourself and create a detailed picture in your mind of what you want to achieve. Don't flinch or be timid, it's a picture of what you want and desire, no need to share it with anyone, unless you want to, so there's no need to be ashamed or fear it won't happen. Embellish every nuance of the mental picture, every colour, sound, smell, touch, expression, feeling...
Make it something you feel real strong about and once you've done that write down 2-3 goals max that when reviewed will help you to bring that picture back into your mind as strong and full as it was when you first created it.
Once you've got the goals clearly defined, writing a plan becomes quite easy, make it detailed with timelines and measurements to review against.
The DR book will help with all of this including how to word your goals to get the best from them. Break through that procrastination and get reading, the sooner you do the quicker you'll start to feel better. The top of the read pile is OK, in front of your eyes and being absorbed is far better.
If you get stuck, post something here, and there are many who can and will help you, you've paid forward enough, by helping others, to guarantee that.
One thing that can't be guaranteed is that you'll get exactly what you aim for, you may get something close or not so close.
The great news is that you'll feel in control of yourself and be capable of dealing with the changes that may happen as you'll see and completely accept them for what they are, what is meant to be. Not a guess at what you think it might be, the real deal and you'll be fine with that because you will have grown into it rather than sat and fretted that it might happen along with a myriad of other combinations.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti, are you talking about relationship goals? Like I want to be greeted when H comes home from work? And I want more sex- like 1x a week? Or are we talking about "me" goals- like workout 5x per week? I did set goals with not reacting emotionally and that is kind of part R goal and part personal behavior, and I did very well with that. It took a while though, but its been several weeks since I reacted emotionally (except for one incident where H woke me up at 2:30 am on our anniversary to tell me I ruined his mother's life, but my reaction was limited in duration and intensity.)
I will definitely reread DR. Tonight. When I read it 3+ months ago I was in a different place, so it would be good to go back, will probably seem quite different. Thank you for pushing me Avanti. I need some forward momentum, I am stuck.
I can't answer that question, only you can because it's your picture and therefore your goals come from it.
Given what you've said you have potentially skipped straight to the goals part, follow the process and allow your mind to wander and dream, it'll create the picture for you if you give it some time.
The DR book will definitely put you on the right track regarding how the goals should be structured, enjoy your read, right from the beginning page 1, no skipping chapters or sections, promise?
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Photo, I read DR every day. Just a chapter or so some days. It keeps me focused, and Michelle's writing style keeps me motivated. When I don't do this, I find I veer farther off the DB path.
Likewise, although I do get distracted by other books sometimes. I try to spend at least 30 minutes, (total) sometimes way more, each day reading non-fiction (usually self help), or checking my goals and plans or meditating if my emotions are getting the better of me. I am determined to grow as a result of all that's happened and see these activities as enabling that. It took a while to get into the habit but it feels like it's paying dividends already.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
I read self-help books every day too, and I just added in some non-fiction "fun" books to expand my mind and give myself a break from the self-help. I have a huge library now.
I started rereading DR this afternoon, not skipping pages or sections. Just finished step #1- start with a beginners mind. Will keep reading tonight.
OK, I just reread through Step 5- Experiment and Monitor results. I wrote four detailed goals. And surprised myself by realizing we are well on our way to achieving one of them. I would say we are 50% there. I had noticed it, but not really put it into context, and it is an encouraging sign. The second goal we are also making progress with, maybe 10-20% of the way there. The other two, are related to each other, in regards that it would be a shift in our dynamic- with H taking a more assertive approach and initiating some things. I am so tired of being the leader in every facet of our lives, I would LOVE to see H step up and take some action and be decisive.
I think I am going to ask him for these two things in MC next week. I think I can ask him in a positive way, and frame it in a way that is respectful and actually good for H. If he isn't ready to respond, I can break it down into smaller steps and measure and experiment. Going to think on it and reread again tomorrow, see if a good night's sleep and some more thought will firm up my goals.
Today was a good day. Kept busy with kids, a little pre-homecoming dinner party with friends to see the kids off to the dance, some yard work, and some time reading DR and writing my goals. Also managed to squeeze in a movie with my boys. My mood was good, my kids are happy, I didn't call or text H and ignored the one text he sent me. He texted me "hi" about 4 hours ago. He can text me or call me if he wants to reach me. I am not hanging by the phone waiting on a "hi". But I am happy for the "hi"- him initiating contact is a good thing.
It is amazing what progress can be made without realising it. Your whole demeanour seems to have changed as a result of you seeing what you've achieved. Sure, there is still a way to go, but life is a journey so there will always be stuff that needs doing, if we didn't have it our lives would be pretty boring, right?
Asking for what you want is one of the DB principles and you are righ to ask for it during an MC session. Review how things go and adapt.
Keep up your forward focussed, self oriented outlook and if you start to doubt yourself, consult your goals and your plans not your feelings and you'll feel empowered and in control of your destiny.
I admit I was wrong in my thinking that you were a bit lost and needed to get some direction, it seems you simply hadn't taken the time to reflect and were actually quite a way down a road that you'd already designed.
Congratulations Photoka you are doing real well!
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
That is impressive, I'd give my right arm to have that kind of reading speed.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
