Thank you As. You are right. I hate how this feels like I am playing games, but you are right. I didn't respond to all of his texts yesterday because I was actually really busy. And he text me twice for a phone number, so maybe an hour after the second text I texted back "Google it, I don't have it with me."
I am having a rough day. I took my D to her counseling session today. She is doing SO much better than she was, but still its a huge struggle for her to deal with noises. Mostly noises that I make- she reacts with rage whenever I swallow, yawn, breathe, chew, etc. She will repeat the noise in an exaggerated way, yell at me that I am disgusting, etc. It becomes very depressing to be around her, to be told 100X a day (at least) that I am gross. H and I both trigger her. She can hear the same noise from one of her brothers, or a friend, or even the dog and it is ok. If she keeps her reaction quiet, and doesn't yell at us or mock us, the sound repeats in her head all day and then she gets angrier and doesn't sleep and she just gets mean all around. So basically I am her verbal punching bag. It is a neurological problem called misophonia- and there is no treatment except to manage her stress and her reactions. Her other issues - medical and pyschological- are well managed right now, so that is positive. In the last 6 months she is sleeping and eating better than in her entire life, and has stopped passing out, her heart rate is normalized, and her mood is better than ever.
Anyway, I ended up in tears at the appointment, just broken down, my beautiful D who I love so much cannot tolerate being in my presence, and the only person who can truly understand this is H and, well, you all know, I don't have him any more. I want so much to send her away to boarding school or somewhere so I can have some peace, but she also has other issues (ocd, thyroid disease) and she isn't good with taking her meds and she is just 14 so she needs me. And then she would probably start reacting to other noises and she'd be stuck dealing with this all on her own.
I feel so alone. I can talk to the "misophonia" moms and they get me about her, and I can come here and talk to the DB'ers and you all get me about H, but some days I feel like I am being hit so hard from two directions and I just don't know how I am getting through this. But I am. I am holding my head up and functioning each day, and its not killing me, but then other days, like today, I feel like it might.
I have such bad chest pains too, thought it was stress, but then I realized I did a lot of pushups yesterday because of my new do pushups or clean rule instead of calling H. I am up to 12 pushups now. I do the modified ones so maybe that is cheating? Whether its cheating or not, I am feeling it, so its doing something.
Also S11 is still doing better. Not great, but better. This week has been a huge improvement for him.
I am tired of being strong. I want a man, preferably H, to be at my side, to help me through this, to be a co-parent and a real partner in my life. I miss my H so much. I really do. I don't want him to go away for 6 months. I am scared that if we (me and the kids) do well while he is gone, he will think he is not needed and not come back. I am scared that if we don't do well while he is gone, he won't want to come back to dysfunction. Of course I will do my best for the kids and my best to make sure they thrive. And then he can make his decision at that point.
Photo...I really, truly understand. On one hand, I hate it when H is here - on the other, I miss him horribly when he's gone (well, the old him anyways.) My husband has always travelled a lot for work. When it was just me and the 5 kids...sometimes I just felt overwhelmed and exhausted. It was so tiring; running the house, paying bills, meals for 6, chauffeur service, keeping track of schedules, etc...
I missed my H so much back then. He was so good about calling. He'd check in frequently. I miss that.
About your daughter and her hypersensitivity to sounds you make. What types of behavior modification has she tried? I've found the easiest way to distract a child from whatever is bugging them is one of the rubber wristbands. One of my kids had trichotillomania, which meant he just kept pulling his hair out. Poor kid had no eyebrows, eyelashes, leg hair, and had huge bald patches on his head. I took him to the store, and we picked out several bands that he liked. When he started feeling the urge to yank, he'd snap the bands instead.
I wonder if that might work for her. She can focus on the slight pain of the band snapping her wrist, rather than being completely distracted by you. If it works, she'd probably really appreciate the break from overstimulation. I don't know...just a thought.
Hang in there, Photo. You are such an inspiration to us all!
Ancaire, thank you for your support. Her issues are also visual, its all comes down to neurological processing errors. Her brain scrambles her sensory signals and causes her a lot of anxiety. Her therapist now is trying some different techniques, but there really isn't much out there that has proven effective, she is going to have to learn to manage her stress and her reactions.
I am so exhausted today, I just want to sleep and cry. And this is homecoming weekend so it's going to be a busy few days. Kids get home in half an hour and then my neighborhood goes into crazy party mode for the next 36 hours. I live in a very fun neighborhood. I am glad my kids are old enough that I can just let them run wild, might be the first year I don't have to chase them and just trust they will come back home when the festivities are over.
Thank you everyone for your responses. I had a really rough day emotionally but kept true to DB. H sent a couple of texts, I responded back almost 2 hours later with a picture of the kids at the parade. No comments, just the pic of the kids.
Had some fun watching the parade, met a couple of new people, then took the kids to have dinner at the food truck event. All of my kids are now at the game without me, this is new! I live right by the high school, I can hear the cheering and the band from my living room so I feel like I am a part of it, but I am in my comfy pjs with a cup of tea enjoying my warm house and not freezing my butt off out there. I really needed some alone time.
I am thankful for good friends who help me with my kids. I am thankful for a fun, very family oriented neighborhood. I am thankful for this DB site, because without all of you I'd be divorced right now.
I wanted my H so badly today, I am aching for him with my body and soul. But I stayed true to DB and I am not scaring him off with my desperation. I took good care of myself and all 3 children today. Everyone is happy and nurtured and loved. I can hold my head up high, as a mother, as a woman, as a friend, and even as a wife because I am loving him in the only way I can right now, quietly and from a distance, I can hold my head high even if my heart is on the floor.
Peace to all of my DB friends tonight, virtual hugs to you all.
Photoka, you are so kind to so many and you tend to put yourself last in the queue for attention and care.
You remain committed to DB'ing what does that really mean to you? When did you last read the DR book? Isn't it about time to get your head back into its text and really applying it from the bottom up, no missed steps?
The first step being to clear everything you know to date away and start afresh, the next is to determine some goals and then create plans to help achieve them.
If you find this hard, ask for help, this is where I say you need to start putting yourself first. Let others help you for a while and get your mind straight.
You say you are scared to lose your H (here's a 2x4) you aren't doing yourself any favours by allowing yourself to be in limbo. You seem frozen, uncertain how to behave, unsure of your feelings... A set of goals and plans will change that for sure and you'll feel so much better as you'll be able to change from consulting your feelings to consulting your plan.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti. Thank you. Give me an example please? What kind of goal should I set? You are right, I am in limbo and it is killing me. I am doing well with my self care, I have stopped reacting emotionally, stopped pursuing H, I exercise regularly, eat well, find quiet time for myself, all of my children are doing well, or at least making progress with their respective issues. I am taking voice lessons, going to church, spending more time with friends. I have completely taken myself out of the MIL/H dynamic yet it is still plugging away without me. I don't react to her, I don't complain.
I pulled the DR book out to re-read about 2 weeks ago but I haven't gotten to it yet.
I will put it on the top of my reading pile so I will start it again tonight.
In the meantime, help me. What kind of goals should I be setting?
