Here is my revised email to H - I think I am ready to hit send on it
H,
Thank you for our conversation last night. We have had a successful co-parenting relationship thus far and I want to keep it going. I hear you say that you thought my text was harsh. I would like to clarify my position, I want us to cooperate on the schedule. Wednesday's until you get off of work is my time with him. I will not schedule things during your time, please respect that I would like you to do the same. It is best that if a change needs to occur we do this with each other, directly, to avoid any confusion and/or disappointment. Each of us may organize our time with S4 as it suits us.
Thank you, EP
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Ep, have you sent this yet? I think it's a lot clearer, but could be finessed a bit. I was avoiding it myself, there are lots of others better at that than I am.
I am new to your sitch so am just catching up and therefore not qualified to answer your question regarding the email. It is certain that others who have been alongside you for longer with give good insight soon. I can be quite blunt and direct, if that annoys or upsets you please feel free to tell me to STFU.
You are certainly going through a very tough time and have had some very useful conversations with many who I have a lot of respect for.
The reason for piping up is that having spent some time looking through your threads you seem have spent a lot of time dealing with events or triggers that have come your way with no apparent plan or goals except right at the beginning snd being very direct, they were a bit half-hearted probably because you weren't really sure where to start.
To stop or reduce the amount of vacillation you are experiencing maybe it's time to determine some goals then formulate a plan to reach them.
Having spent some time lurking around other threads one thing is clear, those who are making progress are those who have clear goals and a plan. There are none (that I've found) who are really making any progress where goals and plans are absent.
Those who have a plan, then spend more time consulting it than responding to their feelings, which makes their lives that much easier.
None of what I've said is easy, it does take time and effort but you are up for that right?
You seem to be a very energetic and committed woman and maybe it's time to use that enthusiasm and focus to really set yourself off on a track that you feel more comfortable with and more importantly have a greater degree of control over.
Of course, it could be that I've missed the posts that deal with this key area of DB'ing and if so, I humbly apologise in advance and will go back to lurking.
Avanti
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
It's too late. I hit send. I am sure this will be too harsh too.
Avanti - thank you for posting. I will respond to this soon. I do feel this is an area I am fumbling on and honestly still don't really understand how to make happen. I have never been good at writing out goals and plans. This is an area I am going to need a lot help on
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
I am new to your sitch so am just catching up and therefore not qualified to answer your question regarding the email. It is certain that others who have been alongside you for longer with give good insight soon. I can be quite blunt and direct, if that annoys or upsets you please feel free to tell me to STFU.
Please be blunt, I need it
Originally Posted By: Avanti
The reason for piping up is that having spent some time looking through your threads you seem have spent a lot of time dealing with events or triggers that have come your way with no apparent plan or goals except right at the beginning snd being very direct, they were a bit half-hearted probably because you weren't really sure where to start.
You are right. My son is a huge trigger for me. H was never around when we were a family and it angers me that H is now wanting to be father of the year but always at my expense. One of my goals would be to start showing some compassion and be proud that he wants to be father of the year now. That is a wonderful thing for my son. I just don't really understand the goal setting thing so is that too vague of a goal? How do I keep myself in check to accomplish that? This is where I get hung up on the goals.
Originally Posted By: Avanti
Having spent some time lurking around other threads one thing is clear, those who are making progress are those who have clear goals and a plan. There are none (that I've found) who are really making any progress where goals and plans are absent.
Those who have a plan, then spend more time consulting it than responding to their feelings, which makes their lives that much easier.
Again you are right on. I was riding the waves of emotion for the last few months trying to figure out what I want and what was happening to my life. I am still not sure if any of my goals include a R still. The door is closed, I think, but not locked.
Originally Posted By: Avanti
None of what I've said is easy, it does take time and effort but you are up for that right?
Yes, for me to be a better person, yes.
Will you help me write some goals and help me achieve them. I would like this thread to focus on that. I am ready. I feel much more in control then I did 6 months ago, let's do this.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Ep0215, it is great to know that you feel so strongly and are keen to make things happen for you.
What you've got to come to terms with is that there isn't an instant fix here and there's going to be a fair amount of hard work. It will however enable you to gain more control over you and your life. Doing so, allows the mind to be clearer and so good decisions and actions can be taken.
Many do struggle with their goal setting and planning, the way that a lot find easier is to begin with the end in mind. Sit down and picture exactly what it is that you want to achieve, colours, sounds, smells, little details are important. Take your time to really consider this and get it firmly in your mind, then break that picture down into 3-4 max goals, that are sensible, measurable and are things you can have an effect on; there's no point in having "I want H to call more often" as you can't control him.
The goals are there to act as the trigger for the mental picture you took the time to create, if they don't do this, your goals need to be amended until they achieve this end. The next step and in many ways the easiest is to create a plan for how you can achieve the goals. This needs dates and specific actions, nothing loose or timid, it's your life design it well and believe in it and how you are going to do it.
The great thing about having the plan is it then becomes your point of reference and stops you from consulting your emotions when things are a bit tricky.
Many get scared by the word goals as they think that if they don't achieve them, they will feel bad, one thing is guaranteed is that if you don't formulate them and write them down you won't achieve much, if anything.
Some post their goals and plans, I personally think that if you've got the right elements then keeping them to yourself makes sense, as they are personal. Ultimately, it's up to you whether you do or don't.
May I also suggest that you also re-read the chapter in the DR book (chapter 3 page 80) about goals to ensure a full understanding of this key area of DB'ing. If you haven't read the book for a while it's probably a good idea to read Chapter 2 page 49, start with a beginners mind, to get rid of some of the unnecessary swarf that you may have unwittingly collected on your way to where you are now.
By undertaking the above basics you are doing what a significant number haven't done at all or half-heartedly and they are the ones with the "why me?" rhetoric, so go ahead and get started.
If you get stuck post something and you are bound to get some help from the awesome people on this forum.
With a bit of luck this will set you off on the right track and I really look forward to your future posts on progress with the goal and plan creation, then ultimately to watch you enacting the plan and seeing the results so any tweaking can be identified, if required.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
One of my goals would be to start showing some compassion and be proud that he wants to be father of the year now.
I like all of what Avanti said to you! Do it!
As for this question, it is a little vague. You should be able to look back and judge easily whether you accomplished this. How will you KNOW if you are compassionate? So this can be an overarching target - but your goal would be something like "say thank you to H twice a week for things I wouldn't have before."
Originally Posted By: ep0215
Again you are right on. I was riding the waves of emotion for the last few months trying to figure out what I want and what was happening to my life. I am still not sure if any of my goals include a R still. The door is closed, I think, but not locked.
Start with the "hole". Where do you want to go. Then plot the course to get there. Focus on you.
Thank you Avanti and Azzork. I spent a lot of time writing in my journal last night thinking about my goals and working on the letter I want to send to H but never will. Therapeutic for me really.
A few things:
1. I do want to be more compassionate to H as my son's father. One thing that really bothers me is that he never calls or tries to FaceTime S4 during the 4 days he doesn't see him. It's like he forgets he has these people in his life until Tuesday comes around. Last night I called him before S4 went to bed so that he could at least leave his Dad a voicemail. I knew he wouldn't answer my phone call. He left his Dad the sweetest good night message and 5 minutes later I got a TM thanking me for the voicemail. I will continue to do that on the nights I have S4.
2. I am not sure how to handle this one...I had to call H about the fishtanks and he mentioned he was going on a bike ride through the city. I said 'have fun' but inside I am dying. I asked him to do things like that so many times as a family and the answer was always "I don't have time" or a flat out "no". I hate that he is doing these things now, single. At the same time I feel sorry for him that he is doing them alone when he could have been having this much fun with the two people who love him the most. I am not sure if this is something I can turn into a goal or if I just need to work through this as grief.
Just some thoughts today while S4 naps...finally.
Going to the park this evening with my sister and some friends, S4 too, to watch the Orchestra play outside and have a picnic. Really looking forward to it.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
You started talking about goals and didn't mention your mental picture of what you want. Goals do not have as much meaning unless there is a strong motivation behind them.
As a start for your picture, take what you said about your H and his bike riding. Picture all of you taking a ride together, stopping somewhere nice for a picnic or just an ice cream, what's the weather like? What sounds are around you? Can you smell anything in particular? The more detail the better, then add other things you want, in your home, in your kitchen, in your bedroom and not just the furniture. ;-)
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
