The more I speak with my wife, the more I'm coming to realize that she's moved on. If it weren't for the kids, I'm sure she probably would have filed by now. It's clear that she is too attached to the OM, his family, and her workplace. Her view of me and our marriage is full of anger, resentment, and rewritten history. I can't say anything without her twisting it into something hurtful or reasonable. It breaks my heart and I don't think it's something we'll be able to overcome. I always warned her about the direction our relationship was headed, but I always thought it would break when the kids left for college, not now.
I don't know what else I can say at this point. I guess all I can do is continue to improve myself and see what tomorrow brings. I still love her and not a day goes by when I don't long for her.
M: Late 30s W:Late 30s S: 4 D:2
Known: 19 Together:8 Married:5
ILYINILWY: 8/2015 EA: Confirmed 9/2015, Started 8/2015? PA: No evidence, W Denies D: Planned for Spring 2016
Her view of me and our marriage is full of anger, resentment, and rewritten history.
Unfortunately that seems to be a common theme here. I think the anger has passed for my W, but not the resentment and rewritten history. Maybe that is part of the "fog" so often mentioned on here. My W rewrites our history, too. Sometimes in our sessions I find myself shaking my head at some of her statements. Its like so much is conveniently forgotten (I am not talking about good times because of course those are, but more like the facts of the events) and twisted to fit her needs - or maybe, more like an "excuse" to make herself feel better.
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I don't know what else I can say at this point. I guess all I can do is continue to improve myself and see what tomorrow brings. I still love her and not a day goes by when I don't long for her.
That's all we can do, brother. Someone may have a better idea, but maybe you should just go as dark as possible and work on yourself. It seems to be obvious that the OM is still in the picture, and as Cadet said in another thread, as long as the OM is in there is no marriage. Keep treading water - things will get better.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Amen. My W made the statement a couple weeks ago that 'our marriage and family has never been pretty or peaceful', and other statements to the effect that we have all been miserable the entire time. There have been bad times, no doubt. But all kinds of good times too, and my boys (and the rest of the family) remember the bad times as periods or events, not as their entire feelings or memories about the marriage and family, and have told me so...have told her so!
She may have been miserable the whole time, or has decided now that she was. They all get consumed by the pain and have a hard time seeing beyond it, so they project.
Read this interview with Shirley Glass today. These two things stuck out the most because I constantly argued with my wife about our child-centric marriage and the need to do things alone without the kids. The other note about inviting a coworker to do things with you as a couple is exactly what I was asking for when she started to learn golf.
My wife was always annoyed by what she called my "prescriptions for a happy marriage" and her view that I always thought I was right. Being right doesn't make this situation easier. If anything, it hurts more because I tried to warn her and just couldn't convince her of the danger.
Dr. G. The biggest one I see these days is the child-centered marriage. I tell couples that if you really love your kids, the best gift you can give them is your own happy marriage. You can’t have a happy marriage if you never spend time alone. Your children need to see you going out together without them, or closing the bedroom door. That gives them a sense of security greater than they get by just by being loved.
Today’s parents feel guilty because they don’t have enough time with their kids. They think they’re making it up to them by spending with them whatever leisure time they do have. They have family activities and family vacations. To help them rebuild the marriage I help them become more couple-centered, by building a cocoon around themselves as a couple.
Q: There has to be a separate layer of adult relationship?
Dr. G. The affair represents a man and a woman getting together in a dyad and just devoting themselves to each other. Very busy couples sometimes have to actually look at their calendars and find when they can spend time together. Sometimes it’s just a matter of better time management and better parental control. If a couple can unite to put the children to bed at eight o’clock, then they can have time together after that.
Q: Are there other vulnerabilities?.
Dr. G. One is: getting too intimate with people you work with. One way to guard against danger is, if there’s somebody you really like at work, then include them as part of a couple. Invite that person and their partner to come over, so that there isn’t a separate relationship with that person. That’s not a guarantee; people do have affairs with their best friend’s spouse. But walling that relationship off and making it separate from the primary relationship is dangerous.
M: Late 30s W:Late 30s S: 4 D:2
Known: 19 Together:8 Married:5
ILYINILWY: 8/2015 EA: Confirmed 9/2015, Started 8/2015? PA: No evidence, W Denies D: Planned for Spring 2016
Amen. My W made the statement a couple weeks ago that 'our marriage and family has never been pretty or peaceful', and other statements to the effect that we have all been miserable the entire time. There have been bad times, no doubt. But all kinds of good times too, and my boys (and the rest of the family) remember the bad times as periods or events, not as their entire feelings or memories about the marriage and family, and have told me so...have told her so!
She may have been miserable the whole time, or has decided now that she was. They all get consumed by the pain and have a hard time seeing beyond it, so they project.
tl2,
What is the best way to counter that?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
The worst thing about betrayal and the loss of trust and innocence are the times when your imagination is left to wander. My wife sent me a message to say she'd be home 1-1.5 hours late. Normally I wouldn't blink an eye because it's not uncommon for what she does. Now, my mind starts creating all kinds of unlikely but still painful ideas of what she could be doing with OM instead of having dinner with her family. It makes me wonder whether it's possible to rebuild any sense of trust.
M: Late 30s W:Late 30s S: 4 D:2
Known: 19 Together:8 Married:5
ILYINILWY: 8/2015 EA: Confirmed 9/2015, Started 8/2015? PA: No evidence, W Denies D: Planned for Spring 2016
It's going to be extremely difficult to maintain the timeline I set for myself. I'm reaching the point where I just want to move on. We have a birthday coming up and I don't even know how to deal with that let alone the holidays. Nobody knows about out situation and I feel my wife will just act her way through everything.
I'm sure the OM's name will come up at the birthday party because he was always in attendance. It's tempting to say that he's no longer welcome in my home and anyone who wants to know why can ask him or my wife. I can think of so many petty things I could do to expose the affair and hurt them. It's so tempting and in some ways deserved. I know in my heart it won't change anything. I just wish they could feel what I am feeling today and how it has forever changed my perspective and love and relationships.
I can no longer be the hopeless romantic I once was. I can no longer trust people. I can no longer watch some of my favorite movies because of my newfound jadedness.
M: Late 30s W:Late 30s S: 4 D:2
Known: 19 Together:8 Married:5
ILYINILWY: 8/2015 EA: Confirmed 9/2015, Started 8/2015? PA: No evidence, W Denies D: Planned for Spring 2016
Woke up feeling really depressed. Can't seem to get myself going. All I want to do is sleep and it's hard to act like I'm in a good mood. I've got no focus and I t's hard to engage the kids. I hate this feeling.
Found a stack of pictures of my wife and I that we were recently planning to hang. I couldn't stand to look at them and started packing them up. My wife saw me do this and asked why I wasn't taking down the rest of the photos we have in our house. That was probably a step backward, but I'm not sure I care anymore.
M: Late 30s W:Late 30s S: 4 D:2
Known: 19 Together:8 Married:5
ILYINILWY: 8/2015 EA: Confirmed 9/2015, Started 8/2015? PA: No evidence, W Denies D: Planned for Spring 2016
