Zero steps forward

[Pax_luv]

Good morning,
Just journaling-
For anyone following my sitch- the Facebook thing was kind of a dilemma for me. I wasn't sure if I should block, unfollow my h, or just deactivate all together... Out of sight out of mind. Well, I ended up just not going on facebook at all. That way, I could still get my messages, etc. Well, I woke up this morning and thought I would go on since its been a week and lo and behold all of our friends had posted pics of a Halloween party at my/ our house. It was beautiful- I could tell who took care of all the decorations.... I enjoyed looking at the group shots- especially the ones with my h's arms wrapped around a young woman. Hmmmmm.

I knew he was dating so I'm not surprised, I'm upset that she's at my house, and I'm also delighted to say that I'm more attractive than her (maybe it was a costume?) anyway, I'm not one to rag on someone based on their looks(I personally just needed a lil boost) but she is 100% the opposite of me and maybe that's what he wants right now. Anyway, enough mind reading. After browsing the rest of the news feed, I go back to click on those pics again (to see him and her) and they disappeared. Every pic with them together is gone except the general photos of the party. Since multiple people tagged him in several photos, I checked their pages and they were deleted from there, too. I think h saw these pics and asked our friends to delete them. Hmmm was this an effort to not get caught or just protect me? Who knows, who cares.

I'm feeling sad.... I miss my beautiful house most of all this morning.

[MrBond]

"I think I've been practicing LRT by not pleading, begging, chasing."

That's not what the LRT means. Did you read DB or DR?

[Pax_luv]

Hi mr bond-
Thanks for responding. Yes, I've read dr many times. I was the begger/pleader/cryer and that was the first thing I stopped.

I'm not detached at all, plus we've been amicable and respectful so it's hard for me to let go.... Especially when I'm not ready... Also, I'm a caretaker and nurturer so the LRT kind of goes against my nature. I get that I can lovingly detach and that's what I'm trying to do. So that's been my 100% biggest struggle. I'm a fighter and it's sooohard for me to sit back and do nothing to try to help this thing.

[MrBond]

Okay, so since you read DR, you should know that the not pleading, chasing, etc. is NOT a part of LRT. It's DBing in general.

The LRT is when you agree to the divorce and then let them take care of the details.

What goals have you set?

[V2pt0]

Mr. Bond, I don't understand your advice/info to Feyth regarding LRT. According to DR it is advised to use LRT in a number of situations beyond once the WAS has filed for D, which is likely why Feyth is following LRT. MWD also indicates it is to be used for the following:

*Your spouse has said they want a D and it appears they really mean it.
*You and your spouse are separated physically.
*You and your spouse live together but have very little to do with each other -i.e sleeping in different bedrooms.
*Your spouse has filed.

I just think it is important to clarify your advice as it is not consistent with what is in the book. It seems that Feyth's sitch involves the first two scenarios. It sounds like you are saying it is only applicable for the last scenario. Can you please explain?

Also, not chasing, begging or pleading are listed as don'ts in LRT.

[MrBond]

I might have missed something but I didn't see Feyth say that her H filed for D. Just that he wanted to date other people.

The chasing, begging, pleading, etc. is the very FIRST thing you need to stop doing when starting the DB process. It's for all DB and not just for the LRT.

Too often people who come here assume they should apply the LRT when they shouldn't.

[V2pt0]

He has not filed for D. You seem to believe that is the only indicator to start applying LRT. That is where my confusion lies! My point is that this contradicts the guidelines in the book. Feyth's is physically seperated from her H and they have very little interaction. According to the book this is enough reason to start applying LRT. I thought I had read that he had indicated he wanted to D, but I don't see that now. Regardless, they way her H is acting would qualify for her to apply LRT according to DR.

I am only trying to clarify as a good majority of people on this site are in situations that according to the book should immediately start LRT. I think that is why you see so many people on here applying LRT. They are simply following the advice in the book. I followed LRT straight away even though my H had not filed. He had indicated he was serious about D, he moved into sparebedroom and we had little interaction.

Again, LRT is a major component of DR/DB so it seems important to clear this up. Am I correct in understanding that you only believe LRT should be applied if D has been filed?

Maybe someone else sees the issue here??

Sorry for the hijack, Feyth, but this seems important for you!

[Azzork]

Again, LRT is a major component of DR/DB so it seems important to clear this up.

Im no expert here. And I may be sticking my nose in where it doesnt belong. But in my understanding, LRT is not really a major component of the DB process. Ideally, the DB process would begin well before anything resembling LRT is necessary. Unfortunately, by the time most of the users get to this board, they find themselves in situations where LRT becomes a part of the recommended path. The book does not promote immediately applying LRT to all comers though.

Just my 2 cents. And I certainly could be wrong.

[Pax_luv]

Thank you all for chiming in with clarification.

To clarify my sitch: we are physically s with very little interaction, he is out there dating, and (from what I hear) he is getting ready to pull the trigger on the d.

[Pax_luv]

My PMA for the moment and gratitude sharing for the day.
I'm so glad I found this forum after reading DR. I can't believe all the time and energy that posters put into the forum to help eachother during some of the most emotionally heart wrenching moments in some of our lives. It really brings tears to my eyes to see such helpful and compassionate strangers supporting one another. Thank you