Thank you V - I sent the revised text and got a response saying it was harsh and we would talk about it tonight.
We just got off the phone and it was quiet the argument, comical even. I know that so many other people on this board have way bigger issues they are dealing with but my STBX makes things so difficult, I don't know how to get though to him. He gets stuck on one statement and doesn't hear anything else.
He said my text to him was harsh, I thought it was pretty business like. I tried to explain that my biggest concern was that when a last minute conflict arose he and his Mom made the decision on what would happen with S4 without including me and then told me what I was to do. In the future, I would like for the two of us to come up with a solution, not you and your mother. We are his parents and we will make the decisions regarding his care. Basically all he heard me say was "next time I will word my text to you differently, more in the form of a question". Huh? that was not what I said at all. So I tried explaining it again. Again he says "I don't understand, I texted you what was going to happen as soon as I knew about it, I couldn't give you 24 hour notice."
It is like banging your head against a wall.
So then I tried stating that "we have a good co-parenting relationship going and I would like for it to continue. Next time, and this goes for me too, let's work out the solution together instead of independently." Then all of a sudden he wants to pick a fight about how my Mom picked up S4 early from school on Friday (my day), "what's that about?". I didn't even comment on that. I seriously do not know how to argue with him and I think I need to send an email about our conversation clearing up what I expect to happen in the future.
I know that this doesn't even come close to some of the heartache on this board but this is what I have to deal with my whole marriage. He would get stuck on one comment and never hear what I was actually saying. It is the most frustrating thing to me. I don't know how to DB past it.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
This is where boundaries come in and reinforcing without emotion. The technique WH is using is called distraction, it takes an irrelevance such as you and your mum organising your pickup and makes an issue. It could be S4 was wearing blue shoes, anything. Ignoring it and not commenting is best, don't be deflected from your core goal- a smooth schedule.
When a schedules change you warn each other and the two of you deal with it between you no middle men to confuse. You each do as you like on your day. The introducing a middle man is also distraction and triangulation.
So, time to reinforce your boundary (repeating your statement is referred to as broken record) and also validate.
Thank you for our conversation, I hear you say you feel my text was business like. I would like to clarify my position, I want us to cooperate on the schedule, therefore if it is to change I will ask you a day in advance, please respect that I would like you to do the same. It's best if we do this directly with each other to avoid confusion. Each of us may organise our time with S4 and pickups on our day as suits us.
Have you thought about a shared online schedule? Several moms and dads here run one, you could offer that as well as a solution to direct contact.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/15/1512:35 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
V - Thank you. I so value your posts on my thread. I was working on a draft and yours is so much nicer so back to the drawing board. I did feel that he knew he was in the wrong but had to make it seem like I am the villain. How does this sound?
H,
Thank you for our conversation last night. We have had a successful co-parenting relationship thus far and want to keep it going. I hear you say that you thought my text was harsh. I would like to clarify my position, I want us to cooperate on the schedule, if it is to change I will ask you a day in advance. If there is a last minute change I will make the change with you as soon as possible. Please respect that I would like you to do the same. It is best that we do this with each other, directly, to avoid any confusion and disappointment. Each of us may organize our time with S4 as it suits us.
Thank you, EP
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Thank you for our conversation last night. We have had a successful co-parenting relationship thus far and want to keep it going. I hear you say that you thought my text was harsh. I would like to clarify my position, I want us to cooperate on the schedule, if it is to change I will ask you a day in advance. If there is a last minute change I will make the change with you as soon as possible. Please respect that I would like you to do the same. It is best that we do this with each other, directly, to avoid any confusion and disappointment. Each of us may organize our time with S4 as it suits us.
Thank you, EP
I am really trying not to hit send on this email until really thinking it over and get some feedback from my DB peeps. This is something I am working on for myself. PATIENCE and letting time pass before reacting emotionally. Man it is tough! What do you guys think about the email above?
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Ep, it seems to me that you only have a problem on Wednesdays. Is that true? And your Wednesday criteria are a little vague to me, something like it's your day "unless you can't". I'm not sure what that means, does H understand it? Maybe he's making plans because he doesn't actually consider it your day? Just a thought.
yes we only have problems on Wednesdays and it is so frustrating. I think because it is a double day. Meaning we each have him but it is his overnight. He does not take me into consideration and always makes decisions without including me. This is exactly what happened in our marriage too. Even life altering decisions, he would come to me with his decision, before I even knew there was something that needed deciding, and I was meant to go along with whatever he wanted. I do not want to do that anymore. I have a say now. He is fully aware that I get him for 2 hours on Wednesdays, it has been that way since May and we even noted it in the parenting meetings that day would stay the same.
I meant "unless I can't" then it would be up to him to find alternate care. meaning his mother but not while it was my time to see our son.
Last edited by ep0215; 10/16/1501:13 AM.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
But you always seem to qualify it with "unless I can't". How often does that happen? Is it infrequent enough to just get rid of that all together and say that Wednesday afternoon is your time, period? Or does it happen often enough to say that it's H's time, period. If he's truly encroaching on your time, then that must stop. But I get a sense of ambiguity, maybe that's what H is reacting to? Think this through before you lay down the law to him.
but what gets me is that he obviously has understood the plan for the last 6 weeks, it has gone smooth, so why is it that every few weeks he 'forgets' or does this play stupid routine. I really don't get it.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
