no clue where Wife is, cant see past the FOG

[Irish M]

Hi everyone,
here's my last post http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2603329#Post2603329

to give a little info on where i am

first BD1 MAY 30 2015 , Left 1 day came back and was good for 3 weeks but neglected the D's 12-14 at the time.
I hired a therapist to work with W and the D's to get closer. Did not work
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 via text , moved out Aug 2 2015
got an apartment but lost it due to no payment and also stopped paying for her credit card, car payments, insurance/.
went on a spending spree... changed hair and clothes style 3 times.
Started drinking, smoking , smoking pot and other drugs.

left both Daughters with me.
she had a sex life on a second face book page.
Met the first guy that contacted her and she is now living with him He is her soul mate.


She gave me full custody , I have the home, divorce is in progress.

she abandoned the girls. verbally abused them and lost her temper multiple times.Told them that she wanted lipo suction to erase what they did to her body. Doesn't want to be a mom.

she has told me that she is lost, confused, needs to find herself, cant love anyone if she cant love herself. ILYBNILWY. Hates me with a passion. Cant look at me. has shark eyes. Has gone from amazing looking with a power trip to junkie and lost.

Her mom had the same breakdown when she was young. Has a Bi polar cousin and aunt. Has abused her parents by asking for money. FIL realized she is ill and cut her off. MIL supports her because and i qshe haa

[Irish M]

CONTINUED ---


Her mom had the same breakdown when she was young. Has a Bi polar cousin and aunt. Has abused her parents by asking for money. FIL realized she is ill and cut her off. MIL supports her because and i quote " i have my daughter back" . They were not close over the last few years. SIL says shes glad the girls are safe with me.

D'S want nothing to do with their Mom. Understands she is not well and she needs to do this journey alone.

i am complete NC.

OM is a MLC himself. Narcissistic dope head and is very controlling with my W.He has rotten teeth and has no respect for FIL. W cant even go to the bathroom without him standing outside the door. Controls her money as he has none.

all this in 3 months .lol

I have GAL
camping, movies, new puppy, outings with D's. trips to zoo, amusement parks. New friends etc etc etc.

I am doing well. i understand what wife is going through. I have read more than i have read in my entire life. also the support i get here is life saving. I appreciate and respect all of you that is going through this. I wish we all met under different circumstances.

brings me to today....

I miss her. I am standing.
had a flash again that she was pregnant. This is what would make me not stand anymore. I have gut feeling all my life. I fear this one with a passion. I had a gut feeling about W. That's why she is out as fast as she was. She knew I felt more about her actions . she couldn't hide them I was always a step ahead of her.

the day she left and we agreed joint custody. I told her my predictions. She would fall fast, lose everything. The girls will not respect her at all. Wife sis raise them right. Values and more present in my girls and being Irish... you break that trust and respect.. you will need to move mountains to gain it back. I wouldn't want to be in W shoes when she wakes up.

W has lost all her friends and is making new ones. Ones that dont know her or me. She moved to a town 40 minutes away. Makes NC even easier.

I do predict she will be back. When .. no clue.. with a baby... not happening. I will always leave the door open for her and the D's to fix their relationship through. It will be up to the D's.

Also... i wont let her back until i feel she is back. The oven has to ring DONE before that happens.

MLEIGH4 - yes i hope our S do come home. just I hope they don't do too much damage to themselves and to us and our kids. I will be reading your story tonight :-)

[CaliGuy]

Irish

It's a tough road to travel on. Like your sitch , my Ws OM was a narcissist d-bag , seems that the OP has traits of that from my readings , possibly going through a MLC of their very own. After the A was done and W and I began putting some pieces together I came across a notebook of hers and her MLC thoughts ... My goodness the things in there and how very lost she was. Your post made me think about it as my W was trying to figure out how to create a family with OM in order to get him to commit to her .... Seems he was still tied to his W in some respect , along with another OW besides my W

Truth is they are oh so very lost and hurt ... The damage caused is excessive , not much we can do but board up our house and protect ourselves as you've done .... And you are wise to understand the R between her and her Ds is not your issue. My fear then ... And even now is this repeating of history, MIL too seems to have been through MLC along with SIL and 1/3 of BILs (so far) .... I pray that my actions and the way I handled things shield S from such a painful experience 35-40 years from now

You're handling it all so very well ... Hang in there

[Irish M]

Thanks Cali
I've read your posts and even reread certain ones twice.

I do think we should be proud that we holding down the fort.
I know you are well ahead of me and your situation is closer to the end.

I really hope all LBS will have either a story of their MLC coming home or the LBS grows so strong through all this that their next relationship will be one that will be healthier for them .

Cheers

Nothing to report on my end
W is a vanisher. No news to me or the D's.

D's are amazing . Brought them to the hair salon today then
to the store to buy them some female hygiene products.. All set.

A dads job doesn't stop at keeping the boys away lol

[mleigh4]

You sound like such a good and thoughtful dad, you're girls are so lucky to have you. You sound so strong too, stay the rock for your girls

[Irish M]

Hey mleigh4,

Thanks, being strong is about my Girls.
They feel it and helps them stay strong.

This forum helps a lot too. So many here are amazing, you included.

I wonder if there is a forum for the MLCr
Talking about how we ruined their lives, prevented them from true happiness.
Saying things like " I can't believe he/she won't let me have an affair, and it's not an affair I cut off my relationship with them. Ok I'm still married but not in love..."

In my entourage, there are so many people that this happened to.
Some were not even aware that it happened. I'd say 9 out of 10 the spouse at some point regretted what they did . 6 out of 10 tried to get back together
Sadly only 2 did. But the other 4 LBS had moved on.

I was looking through my last texts to W before BD.
Crazy how I was blind to her plans. If you read them you'd say this is impossible that I am here today. The love and planning for the summer .... All so real and like it always was.


You sound like a great Mom and I read your story , you are so strong to deal with your H. Your S is the one who will remember all this. He'll be proud of you I'm sure:-)

Halloween around the corner... I'm thinking of making a mask of W. And go to the OM and punch him in the face lol, tell him it's over .

If our MLC can wear masks ... So should we

[AJM]

If our MLC can wear masks ... So should we

If it's one thing you learn from all of this... (and I know you're being clever with that)it's that you need to get off the train of thinking what others do is also ok for you to do. In other words, live YOUR life and be the one others want to emulate. Be that person that YOU look in the mirror, and are at peace. Not the other way around, amigo.

Masks are never a good idea outside of Halloween.

AJ

[rd500]

Just to echo AJ. live your life as best as you can. We can't control others and nor should we want to. Your doing an amazing job and your Ds are very fortunate girls to have you as a Dad. Continue to be their guiding light and show them how to live by example.

Take care. Rd

[Irish M]

Hey AJ , glad you detected me trying to be clever :-)

RD.. Read your sitch. Amazing dad as well. Kids first.
This is going to impact them for ever.

I'm educating mine to be more commutative about feelings, also to look out for each other. Wouldn't want this to increase the chance of them following W path.


I had a great weekend .. But .. Always a but when you see old friends that ask questions about W.

My D's were there as well and everyone was amazed how strong and understanding they were. They looked at my D's and said thinks like:
Poor you
It's tough girls I know
Mommy still loves you
Etc etc

They looked at me and said were good.
My oldest spoke up the most saying she's glad W is not present. She doesn't want that drama and nothing to be part of it.

On the drive home I felt the D's were tense. They were even mad.
Brought up all the things W did to them. It was good to get out but at the same time it stirred up a sensitive issue that the D's are trying to put on a shelf.

They did finish again by saying" I know she'll crash and will be back"

I let them vent and then put on some Elvis which my girls love.

[AJM]

Right. Better out than in. But it will happen in their time, so be mindful of the conversations. It's hard as a child to process what's going on. Heck, it's hard as an adult for that matter.

Takes time. And sensitivity. You won't want to make a habit of that too frequently. But be careful to listen to your D's.

I know you know. Just reiterating for effect

I know for me, when I run into past friends it can be...awkward now. It used to stir up emotions. Now it's awkward that they go back to that time. Makes it weird to have the conversation in some ways. I guess for them, it's their way of processing. Her family members are also that way. Could also be that's what we had in common at that point in time.

In the end, that's for them to work out. Just like you and your D's will have to first cope and then work out.

Takes time and effort. Putting it on the shelf just means you'll have to deal with it later. Hopefully your D's give you the chance to help them create the tools to deal. Sounds like it.

Elvis? How'd that happen?

AJ