Photoka's new thread (this one spelled correctly.)

[gonegrl]

Julie, we do have a lot in common. My H has been away now for 4 days, and yes, things are more fun without him. So why do I miss him?

[gonegrl]

Calibri, thinking more about your advice. The problem with communicating with the inlaws. I can not actually talk to MIL because she lies and manipulates words, will say one thing to my face and then the second someone else walks in the room suddenly the story changes. She will say the most bizarre, inappropriate, mean spirited things and then deny them. My best defense is to keep away from her. In the past I asked H to stick up for me, to draw some boundaries to keep her away from me. That failed. So now I just don't let her get to me, I don't react, I keep busy and try to avoid being alone with her or having real conversations with her. That has been working for me. She still has H's full attention and is spinning him up about me, that I cannot control.

So I have stopped reacting, stopped complaining, and I am trying to speak up for basic logistical needs. I am adding the flowers as a kind gesture, because it popped into my head to do something kind and I know that in her own way, she is hurting and she believes I am the cause of it. H keeps telling me this anyway. Speaking to her will only come back to hurt me. Because she will lie and twist my words.

I have taken H out of the middle of things, but I can't really be in the middle either, I have to maintain a pleasant distance and just keep an eye on my kids that they don't get drawn into this. I am trying to not contribute to this dynamic anymore. For 8 months I have been withdrawing, and keeping a safe distance. I feel like doing something like sending flowers, is just trying in a different way to extend peace. My H is desperate for peace, he keeps making comments about how much his mother is suffering, I know I am not the cause, and I know I cannot fix it, but if I can think of small ways to extend an olive branch without inflaming the situation, I think that could possibly help. I do want peace. I do not want a full-fledged relationship with this woman, I do not believe it is in my best interests, but I do want peace.

I might be trying to control the situation, but I also think I might just be trying to be the best person I can be, and to take any actions I can that could possibly help. Or maybe I can't let go.

Thank you for your post, I am thinking on your words.

[Ancaire]

Photo - I unfortunately have no experience with a difficult MIL - but I do have experience with people.

You sent flowers, which was truly a kind gesture. Let's see what happens. She also spoke with you about things she'd never disclosed before - I don't know, but that kind of sounds like a thaw to me.

Just like with DB'ing, trying something new never hurts. If it works, great! If not, don't do it anymore.

That's all I got.

[gonegrl]

Thanks Ancaire, that was helpful. I like how you simplified it for me. Sometimes, especially since DB I overthink everything.

On my way out now, to a concert. Leaving the kids to watch each other. I used to be able to do this for 1-2 hours at a time before D and S started fighting nonstop, seems like they are good with each other now so this will be a test. I get to GAL without having to arrange for childcare or bring one of the offending siblings with me. I rented a movie for the boys so this might work. Will be a huge relief if so.

[Ancaire]

Wow. That is incredible progress with the kids! You are going to enjoy the freedom so much.

What concert will you be enjoying this evening?

Overthinking? LMAO Have you seen my thread lately, and the giant stick Avanti had to hit me with?!?

Really wish I could simplify things for myself.

[gonegrl]

Really good concert at my church. My kids behaved. Apparently there was a small fight, but nobody was crying or obsessing about it. Huge progress. So amazing that the constant fighting and crying has been replaced by giggles and silliness. My kids are ganging up on me and trying to convince me to let them get some marmosets as pets. Also someone clogged the toilet and this they find to be so amusing. I told my mother how extreme the difference is- they went from screaming at each other to rolling around on the floor laughing. She said they really missed each other and are making up for lost time. I hope this happens with me and H. I know I miss him like crazy.

A huge weight has been lifted. My son's counselor is amazing.

My goal tomorrow is to get a lot of things done that I keep putting off because I come on this board instead. I have a big stack of medical claims to file, some work for the school, and half my house is still needing to be power washed. I also have some reading for pleasure that I need to get to, going to put aside the self help books and read for fun. Plus my usual 3 mile walk. Tomorrow will be a day to make a lot of progress on my to-do list.

[overcom]

I'm so happy for those changes. Keep thinking positive. Your h will see and it may help. You are a great mother!!!! Your my inspiration. I've said it before and I say it again. Without your support I'd be lost. Thanks for being a great friend too! !!!

[gonegrl]

Thank you for your friendship, O. We are in this together!

I had a really busy day so far, got so much accomplished. Kids coming home from school in a few minutes, I am taking a quick DB forum break but have managed today to not think about things so much. Sometimes I think I am addicted to this board, you are my lifeline.

H has been texting today, all week so far actually, nothing personal or too exciting, but he is keeping in touch. I have been answering, but not immediately, don't want to seem to available, and actually I have been busy so its not really an act.

It is a relief with him away, I am more relaxed but also the kids are doing better so I am sure that is a part of it. Or are they doing better because H isn't here? I guess we will know when he gets back next week. I am still hopeful.

[mutatio]

Hi, I'm glad to find you in good spirits. It sounds like having your husband away for a week has been therapeutic for you. When my wife goes on business trips I used to get twisted and bent out of shape. Now I feel more relaxed while shes away. I love her but not the current state of my marriage. I think that's where your at also.

Keep the faith Photoka, your heart is bigger then your husbands baggage.

[asitis]

Glad your stress level is down. It makes you realize how stressful life can be with them around and vice versa.

Don't respond to all of his texts. If they don't ask for a response or seem to require one, then let some of them go. Even some that seem to be asking for a response if they don't seem necessary, let a few go. Let him feel what it is like to not have you at his beck and call. Let him worry about you a little bit. Leave some mystery.