Dealing with WW, Kids, and Divorce 2

[WhyUs]

I met with both children's teachers today and the school counselor. D5 is doing great. The teacher said that whatever we are doing is working and not to change anything.

Both of of the kids were above average in their academics. D7 however drew some concerns. There were three people in the meeting, the principle, school counselor and the teacher. They said that D7 was visibly depressed and that they were concerned. I chocked up a little when this was discussed. Of course, they have no idea what is truly going on. We discussed that they need to do a better job of informing me of what is going on at the school--especially if D7 is leaving because she is crying and upset. They stressed that we should be working together to let D7 know it is OK to be happy. Many times kids think it is not OK to be happy during this transition.

Once the meeting was over I spoke to the counselor for about an hour. I gave her the run down of what was happening. She was shocked that I did not have a better custody agreement in place. She suggested (surprise surprise) that I consider getting more aggressive L. She said that she has seen the father get full custody when the WW has done much less than what mine is doing.

She also felt that D7 should know the real reason we are getting divorced. She said that it would put the pressure on WW. She said right now she is getting the best of both worlds. She is not being held accountable for her actions. She also said that from her experience it is best not to lie to the children when they are able to comprehend what it going on. She said she felt D7 was more than capable of understanding.

She then went on to say that I should consult my IC, who she knows, and most importantly my L before doing such a thing.

I left the meeting feeling good that my children are doing well academically. I felt good that the counselor seems to agree that WW is out of line.

Lastly, for the second time in a row WW has asked me to switch days with her. The first time I reluctantly agreed. This was a 180 for me. The next day I got the hand written note. This time I really do not want to agree. It would be a 180 if I did switch. However, I also feel like I am being a push over and WW is just taking advantage.

I am putting in all the work. She has done everything in her power to make my relationship with the children disappear. Now she wants me to work with her.--so frustrating. I do not know what to do. I do not know if she is just using my desperation to get her back as a way of getting the children more.--who knows.

[Vanilla]

I recommend hugs, lots and lots and lots and lots of hugs.

Just sitting and being, even dads need big hugs you know.

My dad at 94 asks me for hugs, he will stand with his arm on my back humming a tune. That's how I know he is happy. He also holds my hand in his pocket. It has been like that since I was a kid.

You can have the Ds separately and do different dad and daughter stuff. D7 may enjoy doing things with dad, what would she like?

Cooking, go walking, rough and tumble, swimming, glue, servicing cars, painting walls?

D5 will revel in stuff with dad, I can see that already, a great bond.

Try dancing and silliness, kids love all that, especially adults letting kids play.

V

[WhyUs]

Yep,

My girls know they are going to get lots of hugs from daddy. I do need to work on being more silly. Sometimes it is tough trying to balance being silly with being the dad. They tend to get a little out of control. Guess I need to learn to let go a little more and live life.

[Ancaire]

Absolutely! My D' s adore their dad (present circumstances haven't changed that)...he was an absolute goofball with them, and they loved every minute. The things I have seen that man do in order to make his kids laugh...

My D' s are both closing in on 30...H still rates as the first person they would call in an emergency. The bond they have is something I really cherish.

Daughters need their dads more than anyone knows.

[WhyUs]

Yesterday and today I have been getting this feeling that I just need to try and move the divorce along. For one, right now I am unhappy with the custody agreement. I don't see us getting a change in the temporary custody. I am eager to go ahead and get the permanent custody agreement in place.

Second, I am currently paying all of the consumer debt. Once the divorce is final I do not believe this will be the case.

Third, I do not believe WW is going to change her mind about the divorce. I also do not think she is eager to move fast on it. As it stands, I think she still feels like she has me waiting for her to come back. I really do not see any point in waiting around in hopes that she will. I really do not think she will ever get the reality of this situation until the D is final. Aside from that, every day that goes by I am not sure how I could even take WW back.

Fourth, the way it stands now, we do not even communicate directly with each other. I am guessing the final agreement would not include a ridiculous restraining order that does not allow us to communicate.

I just do not know if these are good enough reason to get the ball rolling on this divorce. Should I just be patient, keep DBing and see what happens. I intend to still use the DB concepts after the D as well.

[fade]

You my friend are getting absolutely shafted in this divorce. My blood pressure goes up reading this thread. You need to understand that you have gotten into to a very bad situation. You are approaching everything with shocking passivity, and letting your ex dictate your life and your relationship with your kids. You have NO choice but to move proceedings forward because the longer you stay in this position, the harder it is to move from it. 90% of the time, final orders do nothing but keep the status quo. Right now the status quo is you being part time dad and full time payer.

So here is my advice: DO EVERYTHING THE SCHOOL COUNSELOR TOLD YOU TO DO.

Fire your lawyer. Find a tougher one by the end of next week. You need to be on the offensive from here out. And you need to drive this - don't think just because you hired a lawyer that you are done. That's the beginning. You need to prod them to keep on your case. Trust me, they are hearing from some clients 10 times a day. If they don't hear from you, they forget you.

Tell the in-laws the truth, with evidence to back it up - 'their daughter is having an affair', 'its been going on for this long', 'she made up the RO so she can get away with it', 'they are unwittingly watching the kids while she has her affair', 'she wont let you have fair time with the kids', 'you love your family and want fair time with the kids'.

Take possession of your daughters whenever you know that their mom is not watching them. No one is stopping you but yourself.

Tell your daughters the truth in an age appropriate way - 'mommy left because she has a boyfriend', 'married people shouldn't have boyfriends or girlfriends', 'I want mommy to come home'. She will be much better off if at least one parent is not lying to her about the circumstances of her entire life.

Document every single instance of parental interference by your wife, every time they are late, you don't get your time, they don't show up for sports. And every time it comes up, have your lawyer or an intermediary email a message to your wife, cc'ing her lawyer and her parents, expressing your wishes to have time with your daughters.


I know at some level you want everything to go back to the way it was and for your WW to come back. But you are handing her her perfect divorce (she gets the kids, the OM, and your money. She has no guilt because she doesn't have to deal with you, and she has no shame because she can blame everything on you and no one is the wiser). So why exactly would she want to come back from that?

Being strong, protecting yourself and your relationship with your kids. Knowing that your financial security is their financial security. That will put yourself in the best position possible for divorce or reconciliation. If you are divorced, you can rebuild a life on a strong foundation with financial security and time with your daughters. And who knows, when you put yourself in the strongest position, then you may became the best option.

[Drew]

^^^^^ This!!! ^^^^^

Dead on.

[raliced]

Third, I do not believe WW is going to change her mind about the divorce. I also do not think she is eager to move fast on it. As it stands, I think she still feels like she has me waiting for her to come back. I really do not see any point in waiting around in hopes that she will. I really do not think she will ever get the reality of this situation until the D is final. Aside from that, every day that goes by I am not sure how I could even take WW back.

WhyUs- I'm just going to restate what others have already stated here - but I think this is where you are getting stuck. You're wondering way, way, way too much about what she is thinking, what she might do, what might make her reconsider etc. And you are gambling your future with your kids .....proceed with the assumption that the divorce will happen and frankly, your "opponent" in this has already shown a propensity to not be fair or reasonable.

Please take a principled stand for what is right for you and your children. There is nothing mean, wrong or unfair about doing so. If they have an engaged and loving father - they need him in their lives. Period.

[WhyUs]

Well you guys are certainly getting me fired up. I called a different lawyer a few minutes ago that was recommended by a friend. This guys is supposed to be a "bulldog" as they say. I left him a message to call me back. I plan to fill him in on the situation and see if he thinks he can help me.

I also put in a call to my lawyer today. He is in court so he will have to call me back as well. I am going to explain to him how I feel things are going and ask him if he can get me what I want and tell me exactly how he is going to do it.

You guys are right, I have been passive. Honestly, I have been so keen on saving this M that I am jeopardizing not only the M, but my future and my children's future as well. Thank you for providing the feedback. It is something that I need to hear.

I will keep you posted on how things go.

[WhyUs]

So here is my advice: DO EVERYTHING THE SCHOOL COUNSELOR TOLD YOU TO DO.

Only problem with this is that during the hearing the judge stressed not talking to the kids about the divorce for any reason. He was very adamant about it. He then stressed this in the custody order as well. I can't and will not violate that order. So telling D7 about the reason for the D is out of the question for now.

Letting the in-laws in on her behavior is not out of the question. However, right now she does not know that I know about it turning into an PA. If I let her in on my knowledge will it allow her time to prepare for some lame excuse. Shouldn't it brought up in front of the judge and catch WW and her attorney off guard. Thoughts?