You can have him Judy! He comes with a mother attached firmly up his butt, so good luck with that! If you can remove her, you can have your way with him and more power to you!
Have you considered that by being user nice to MIL you are rewarding her behaviour?
To encourage MIL to be around less then you may need benign neglect, warm but busy. Always on the move. If you have warning MIL is coming you can make more effort.
Lead and be strategic reward the behaviour you want, ignore the behaviour you don't.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I understand your urge to be nicer to MIL. If your MIL is solidly siding with H, you could be heading for more pain. No one can inflict snarky remarks like a MIL. I am not suggesting you limit contact in any way, and kindness is ALWAYS the best way to go. But wear a cup because sometimes kindness hurts.
My H moved to another state to have a baby with OW and my in-laws and his family still blamed me. They are decent people, but blood is thicker than water.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Ancaire, V, Mona, thank you for your wisdom. I sent the flowers. I had such a strong feeling to do so, and it didn't feel like it was coming from "me", felt like God or my intuition or whatever you want to call it was leading me to make a nice gesture at this time. I signed them from the children.
There was an email from MIL a few days ago, the first communication I've had since early September. She said "a few people have asked, we will be hosting thanksgiving again." That was it. I emailed back "thank you for the update, I wasn't sure because FIL was discussing alternatives, what can I bring?" She responded back "Nothing, it will be the same old boring menu." So I responded back "Its never boring, its traditional and always delicious. I will bring a vegetarian dish for D, if you change your mind I don't mind bringing something else, just let me know, we are looking forward to seeing you."
I then told D that the holiday was on, she said she knew, grandma had emailed her. I asked her if she had heard FIL discussing other options. She said yes, and grandma too, she told D that it was getting too hard for her to do every year and asked if she'd be disappointed if they didn't do it. So here is the deal. I have heard comments like this for the last 3-4 years. Every year I tell H and mention that we could host. Every year he snaps at me that this is his mother's holiday. He is abrupt and rude about it, as though I am trying to steal something from his mother. Even last week during our anniversary dinner he made an abrupt comment about it.
This isn't the first time I have wondered if a significant part of the problems between the IL's and me is that H does not communicate with any of us, and because of the history of crap between us, we just talk "through" H, who isn't talking at all. So MIL could be thinking why the heck isn't someone else offering to host, I am thinking, when am I going to get my chance to host, H thinks everything is fine with the status quo and shuts down any discussion about it.
H entertains conversations about me with the IL's, assumes they are correct, and rages at me. I am not talking anymore so that is one sided, but in the past I had my times when I talked to H about my issues with the IL's, and he would get upset and try to smooth things over , but it was always very obvious to me that he was reluctant to stand up to his parents. I am thinking H hasn't handled any of this well, has always tried to please everyone by taking the most passive way out, or ignore the situation completely. In the process H got overwhelmed and shut down completely, I became more angry with the IL's, and they became more angry with me. And now this huge mess.
Just to be clear, I haven't handled it well either and neither have the IL's. The whole situation is a mess.
Also, H texted me today, I was out running errands, he asked me how are things? I replied "great!" And when he asked what was great I responded "everyone happy, kids are happy, I am happy, its a good day." And I left it at that.
I also have completely lost my urge to text him because that urge costs me cleaning time or pushups. Am I that easy that I can stop my obsessing just out of laziness? It probably helps that H has been texting and calling me regularly since he left. Also I am ending the conversation first and not answering too quickly either.
Ok, enough for now. Lots of random thoughts in this post. Tell me what you think.
There was an email from MIL a few days ago, the first communication I've had since early September. She said "a few people have asked, we will be hosting thanksgiving again." That was it. I emailed back "thank you for the update, I wasn't sure because FIL was discussing alternatives, what can I bring?" She responded back "Nothing, it will be the same old boring menu." So I responded back "Its never boring, its traditional and always delicious. I will bring a vegetarian dish for D, if you change your mind I don't mind bringing something else, just let me know, we are looking forward to seeing you."
Too much, IMO.
Quote:
I then told D that the holiday was on, she said she knew, grandma had emailed her. I asked her if she had heard FIL discussing other options. She said yes, and grandma too, she told D that it was getting too hard for her to do every year and asked if she'd be disappointed if they didn't do it. So here is the deal. I have heard comments like this for the last 3-4 years. Every year I tell H and mention that we could host. Every year he snaps at me that this is his mother's holiday. He is abrupt and rude about it, as though I am trying to steal something from his mother. Even last week during our anniversary dinner he made an abrupt comment about it.
This isn't the first time I have wondered if a significant part of the problems between the IL's and me is that H does not communicate with any of us, and because of the history of crap between us, we just talk "through" H, who isn't talking at all. So MIL could be thinking why the heck isn't someone else offering to host, I am thinking, when am I going to get my chance to host, H thinks everything is fine with the status quo and shuts down any discussion about it.
H entertains conversations about me with the IL's, assumes they are correct, and rages at me. I am not talking anymore so that is one sided, but in the past I had my times when I talked to H about my issues with the IL's, and he would get upset and try to smooth things over , but it was always very obvious to me that he was reluctant to stand up to his parents. I am thinking H hasn't handled any of this well, has always tried to please everyone by taking the most passive way out, or ignore the situation completely. In the process H got overwhelmed and shut down completely, I became more angry with the IL's, and they became more angry with me. And now this huge mess.
Just to be clear, I haven't handled it well either and neither have the IL's. The whole situation is a mess.
Did you marry my stbx? From the beginning of our relationship, stbx kept me away from his parents, claimed he didn't want me to be exposed to their dysfunction and his mom's addictions (she was in a really bad drinking phase at that point). I wondered why he wouldn't introduce me to his parents, his parents wondered why I wasn't coming around and having family dinners and it just snow balled from there and ALOT of resentment grew between his mother and myself because we both felt the other was an uppity bitch, to put it nicely, and was really put off that the other wasn't trying to cultivate a relationship. I later learned that stbx was, for a lack of better words, playing all of us. And not in a malicious way, but he was re-enacting survival techniques that came from a childhood that was less than ideal and filled with addictions, abuse, illness, etc. He would tell me what I wanted to hear, and then in turn tell his parents what they wanted to heat, in an effort to keep the peace. Once I finally figured out what was going on, it was too late. Both myself and his parents had become entrenched in our negative opinions of one another. The problem is, we relied on STBX to be the middle conversation man, when we ALL should've been adults and had conversations with each other. I learned that they had tried to visit throughout the years, but STBX shut them down and discouraged them from visiting. They learned (but subsequently didn't believe -- and that's on them) that I had been encouraging STBX to forge a better relationship with them and to visit them more, but he wouldn't because he thought that I would be upset.
It became a big mess. HUGE mess. And because we all didn't know how to communicate with one another, we're reviewing divorce paperwork. Two days before our wedding anniversary. It blows.
Basically, I've been where you are. And it didn't work so well for me.
My advice to you is this: stop counting on your H to convey your thoughts and needs to the IL. You need to do this yourself. It puts less pressure on your H, it asserts yourself as a person the IL's can/should listen to (doesn't mean that they will), and it might be helpful in thawing temperatures with you and them. And in general, never count on anyone to represent yourself the way you can.
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Also, this is completely out of left field - but, honestly, are you afraid of this not working out? I get that you don't want to be divorced. None of us do. But I see you, for a lack of better words, grasping at any reason that could be causing H's issues and the breakdown of your marriage. Mental illness, addiction, depression, etc. I'm not saying that it's wrong not to want answers, but I see alot of myself in you and your situation. And I know for the better part of a year I was in full denial. I thought that there was some answer that would explain this all. And if I had the cause, and in turn, the answer - then I could fix it. And I've learned I can't fix it. And I'm going to have to be ok with it.
So my question to you is this - what are you fearful of? What's making you so scared of letting go? What do you need to let him go and let go of your need to control every aspect of this?
(And this is all said with love from a HUGE CONTROL FREAK, who is irritated that she can't fix any of this.)
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Interesting how alike our H's are. The workaholic traits, the drinking, putting his parents on a pedestal, disconnected from kids, the aloofness.
I think you said your H is travelling now? How long is he gone?
Yes. I noticed that as well. Also you mentioned that your husband never really initiated. My husband was similar as well, and did not seem to ever have the drive that I hear others have, although was happy when I initiated. My husband is just happy being alone doing his own thing, or hanging out with friends where they all drink and look at their phones and barely communicate I know for a fact he has undiagnosed ocd (even his mom confirmed). I too am trying to come up with reasons and diagnosis for him. I hate to say it, but I felt better mentally when he left. His behavior was just so selfish and he is just not fun. All he did was stay on a computer, sleep late, and disappear. He tells me there is no other women and that he could never handle that kind of stress and he wants nothing to do with other women and I kind of believe him because he really can't handle a lot, and was never that womanizer personality and he has gained weight, but the signs are there for affair.
Another similarity is I also have a son that has sensory issues, although he is sensory seeking. It's not easy, especially when he gets tired. It's all been left for me to handle and husband just does not get it. The only difference is my in laws really seemed to like me. MIL is super helpful and nice to me and just a good person all around, although I would get annoyed with her bossy nature and there is something socially off about her. She is definatly an enabler but now I understand why.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Calibri, I am still afraid of losing H. I still love him. I am still in love with him. I try to let go, I have let go somewhat, but I am so scared of losing him. I know intellectually that I will be ok without him, but my heart aches for him every second of the day.
I know I am grasping at reasons. H has told me from BD that his biggest reasons are the division between me and his parents and the issues with D. So I am not really grasping with those things. And his depression is real, and severe. So yes, I keep thinking if we could solve these problems there is hope. I know there is also a good chance it won't work. But if I don't try then I will always wonder what if?
What do I need to let him go? I don't know. I really don't.
