Moving forward (Smothy 10)

[Smothy]

Old thread here

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2615488&#Post2615488

[Smothy]

Last comment on old thread:

Thank you Py, I have texted exactly as you have written. This really suks, considering the progress I have made, now dreading the next few weeks/ holiday. My mind is so unsettled today. I can feel my anxiety coming back, this has been in check for a while now.

We have to stay strong, Py, NDY, Huddy. Our spouses just do not seems to understand the destruction they have caused, their selfishness defies belief. If you asked me a few months ago, I would of protected him. Now, I am sad to see this person whom I don't know.

[Pyrite]

Thank you Py, I have texted exactly as you have written. This really suks, considering the progress I have made, now dreading the next few weeks/ holiday. My mind is so unsettled today. I can feel my anxiety coming back, this has been in check for a while now.

We have to stay strong, Py, NDY, Huddy. Our spouses just do not seems to understand the destruction they have caused, their selfishness defies belief. If you asked me a few months ago, I would of protected him. Now, I am sad to see this person whom I don't know.

Oh NO!! not again, don't go backwards again on this re-return to ground zero. go back as a single woman. Keep this mindset. have NO expectations of HOW you might change his mind, or monitor this. IF it does happen, IF IF IF, you won't miss it so don't worry about that.

In my case, I don't even want this anymore. i MIGHT entertain the idea fro my kids sake, but really in the past year she has made it abundantly clear that we don't even share the same values in life and I can't see such a fundamental disparity being overcome. the LOVE spectacles are well and truly removed and what is left to make me want to start again with her - IDK.

i fell in love with her too quickly it seems and what I mistook for compatibility was really just her personal chameleon characteristic to adopt the values etc of whoever she is with. For e.g. now she thinks it is OK to lie, on an affidavit no less. Her combination of words absolutely reeks of the Ukranian Aunty ATM, one of many countries where people grow up learning that you HAVE to take advantage at every turn and lieingto the authorities is just par for the course. I have family in war torn, secret police, poverty stricken states so this is not simply media influenced rhetoric.

Anyway - you - go back single, over it, do your own thing. Talk directly to your adult son to organise visits - your STBX has nothing to do with it anymore.

[Huddy]

I'm with Py here. Can you imagine what the Christmas Day party is going to be like if you're there? Your H sat there, with a D axe hanging over your head, singing mistletoe and wine, expecting you to be the dutiful W, smiling and happy, just so he can put on a show for your MIL. No way, no thanks.

Your H has to start making some real steps to not want a D before you continue at all with him. He doesn't seem to be making any noises in that direction, so, Christmas without him seems more favourable than being sat round a table pretending to be something you're not.

[Smothy]

H has texted to ask me to sort DS phone out as it was in my name and that it needed replacing. Did this and cost me over 200GBP but felt good that I did not resort to asking him for his half of this money (I didn't ant to play that game!).

Funny, this week, anxiety has crept in again. Have felt so good up to now. My thoughts have been consumed by him and my situation a lot more these days. I think knowing there is only 6 weeks before I am due back to the UK has not helped. However, I know it will not be another 'summer' I am so much stronger when I am away from him.

[Huddy]

Good for you Smoothy!

[Pyrite]

Hey Smoth- stay strong girl. As the months pass, this just slides into the "life is [censored]" basket. From a Buddhist perspective this is Samsara. To be free from the Samasaric cycle, and ultimately attain enligthment, can be found by way of the Dharma. This is true on all levels, whether you are a monk or just a happy janitor. Life is just life. [censored] happens. It is how we CHOOSE to interpret that and let it affect us that is what makes "life" events either a catastraphe, or just one of those things.

The Buddha goes into this obsessively, but really it is all just as simple life is what you make it. You choose, every step of the way. Two ways of thinking about this as I see it - If "something" makes you (or I) anxious, then a)avoid it or b)embrace it. A) is necessary a lot of the time, to function, get passed it etc. B) is much more rewarding, and ultimately you end up back at where you get to with a), but it is because you are more generally OK with it. This leads to next time being in a much much bette position to deal with it,

1. You feeling anxious is not a failure. It is normal. It would b e abnormal if you weren't.
2. put it aside to when thinking about it is more ideal.
3. think about it. why are you anxious? you know ALL of the answers. Remind yourself of these and that these are normal.
4. So where do you want to be?
5. Be there, until the next round of Samsara strikes.

For me, right now, if it wasn't for the children in the middle, I am in a better place than I have been my entire adult life. I am getting used to these custody situations being just another shitty part of life that I have to live with.

Hey - on a side note - I am just gobsmacked by what a piece of [censored] my STBX really is. I am out of the picture yeah, and governed by her own conscience and that of her doting OM, I found out today that she has claimed and received over 10K ($AU) under false pretences of having 100% custody dating back to when we were happily married. It's just something I never would've done because it is ....well wrong, and she would've just followed my lead on that. I mistook that for many years that she shared my values, but it seems that she was just mirroring mine .Anyway, she will be slapped with the debt at EOFY. Doh! Another instance to practice - thats her sandpit, none of my concern.

miss you ((Smoth)) - Py

[Smothy]

Hi PY, I miss you too. I feel a little bit better when i am away from this site. Sometimes i want to read everything to help my situation and feel better. At other times, i feel that I am itching to peel off that band aid just as my wounds are beginning to heal. There are triggers on this site to my thoughts and feelings. I wish there was a way where we can communicate. I can not thank you enough for being here in my darkest hour.

[Pyrite]

pleasure Smoth, you helped me more than you know.

i know exactly what you mean about the triggers on this site. another reason I am only around when I get an email alert that you were here. i am also up to my eyeballs in work with this custody situation. I am WAY overboard on this - BUT - I only get one shot. She screwed me in the M. sure - i screwed her too from her perspective, but I wanted to at least try to salvage what we had for the sake of what we had and two darling little girls who are sleeping in the next room. wen..... you know what she did.

I have about two weeks before the Judge decides whether she is allowed to just walk with my kids and cut me down to visitation, or we sit and wait for the final hearing, maintaining the satus quo.

Maintaining the status quo would be half way to a win. One it will just deepen the trenches to remain where we are, we will have more time of the current situation having been in place, and at least I will have more time with them. Secondly, I am very confident that further examination by the court will only push thing s my way.

I am anxious as hell. I can't sleep. I can't eat and then when I do I binge on crap. I started smoking again. i haven't meditated for weeks. I'm just screwed. I am paranoid that she is going to make up crap on the day like abuse and stuff and unfortunately I think she does have a chance simply by being the mother. it soesnt matter that she has outright lied in her testimony. It doesn't matter that she was only ever the primary care whilst she was on maternity leave and I did EVERYTHING else. It doesn't matter that since that time I was more their carer than what she was. It doesnt matter that her commitment runs as far as her own immediate happiness. etc, etc, etc. there are even more good reasons for why it is just a really bad idea, some even involving violent relatives of hers potentially around the children. it doesn't matter, absolutely not to her, that my now 5 year old is pleading to go to the local school with her friends. her mum stupidly placates her with of course darling, while I am left to be honest with her that I HOPE this is the case, but..... And then STBX emails me to accuse me of brainwashing d5 that I won't love her if she doesn't go to the school I WANT. For fucks sake idiot, it is as simple as that is where she wants to go. Then she says "if you were man enough you would encourage her to like the other school". I'm pulling my hair out!!!!!

sorry ranting -- just got the email today. stay away if it helps Smoth. I'll be thinking of you anyway. We can work something out if you want to chat elsewhere. i hope you have made some nice plans for the UK at xmas time.

[Smothy]

Hi Py, Remember what you said to me when I started taking up smoking again (tsk, tsk). ;-) Sometimes something so small helped me to re frame my thinking.

The custody situation sounds horrendous. I have no advice to give, except to tell you that you are in my thoughts and prayers and will always be a listening ear. (((Py)))

I am stupidly getting my self worked up for the upcoming Christmas break. I have accepted now that H has become a person I do not know anymore. Does a person really change that much?

I would like to chat elsewhere.

Thinking of you Py, stay strong and rant all you want sometimes its the release we are looking for. X