OK, rethinking, maybe I will take pics of the kids in their halloween costumes and send them out to all the grandparents- and their great-grandmother- a nice gesture for all, not emotionally charged. Me being a good DIL (and daughter) without trying too hard.
I do want to be nicer. For the sake of me being a nice person. Truly. Just such a strong urge to reach out to her and I don't know why.
I like the idea of flowers from the kids. there is never anything harmful about doing something nice...and it sounds like your MIL suffered as well. Finding compassion torward her might be a way for you to grow. I wish women empathized with each other and stuck together more.
I hope you do not mind that I am posting this on your thread (it is so specific that I am afraid if I put it on mine and someone was reading it they would recognize me). But I wanted to share this based on our conversation on my thread..
The day my husband told me he was moving out was Father's Day. The straw that broke the camels back was a comment I had made that day. I was upset because he hadn't spent time with the kids the past prior weekends and then was sleeping all day and went with mom to pay respects to his father instead of spend time with the boys. Instead I took the boys to the park and One of my sons was crying and screaming at me the whole car trip because he thought I was leaving for the park without daddy. I was mad and made this comment over the phone to husband. "Your father was a wonderful man And would rather you actually spend some time with your sons on Father's Day ". Husband told me this was the most hurtful thing I ever said to him and continues to bring it up. Said that I was using his dad's death to inflict guilt. I wish I had not said this, but I did not think it was such a horrendous comment. Now I understand
Last edited by JulieH; 10/13/1505:29 PM.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Julie, post away on my thread, please! I am sick of my own sitch, would rather read about others. I understand why you made that comment, and I also understand why it hurt your H. I think when you reach a point of being disconnected and hurt, and especially when your children are hurting, it is so easy to lash out and make the situation worse. This is where you need to take a deep breath and walk away for a minute. I have learned that, but it might be too late now for my M.
Interesting how alike our H's are. The workaholic traits, the drinking, putting his parents on a pedestal, disconnected from kids, the aloofness.
I think you said your H is travelling now? How long is he gone?
I'd say start with acts of compassion towards her that don't look like you are trying to gain anything from her (e.g., coming to see you differently) or your H. If it is her b-day, facilitate contact w/ her grandkids. Light that candle like you did. Don't pray for her to change her way, but to find peace and healing for her sake rather than yours. Meet her ire with grace. Meet her criticisms with understanding that these come from some deep well of pain in her and really aren't about you, and refuse to lash out in response.
It needs to be subtle at first, like the dripping of water on a rock, slowly eroding the ire, anger, and abuse. You can't get her to feel better about you by doing anything big. It has to be those little, barely noticed changes in your dynamic from your end. And even then, she may not be able to get past her own issues to ever see what you are offering.
Just my two cents.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
As, I have always had the kids reach out to her on her birthday and mothers day, always bought a gift (usually flowers or a plant for her garden) and had the kids make cards. I usually send a nice slideshow of pictures too- maybe 4x per year or so and I put a lot of work into those. When she visits I make sure I have her favorite beverage and fresh fruits and salads and stuff she likes- if I know they are coming, at least half the time they just surprise me. I am not saying I am going to any great lengths for her, I am saying I have always done some basic things. So this would be a step up.
I know she is hurting, and I know she truly believes that I have victimized her and H all these years. I am letting go of my reactions to her. I have done it outwardly very well, now have to work on doing it inwardly.
V, I just spit out my tea all over my laptop. How about poison ivy to complement those dandelions! And yes, I am drinking tea, how very British of me, yes? I still need to work on my British swear words. That is my next goal.
poison ivy does turn a lovely red in the fall. Just saying.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Good news. My children are home from school and S and D are getting along. Last night's counseling session made such a big difference. Its like a different world in my home. Nobody is crying! Nobody is fighting!
Also in my world- H sent me a few texts. I was out shopping with D and saw that I missed a few texts, within 30-60 minutes, and sent a quick "Hi, I am out now, call me later if you want to. Everything ok?" I have not had the urge to follow up and its been about 3 hours.
I think my pairing the desire to text him with cleaning or pushups has extinguished my desire to text him. I am THAT lazy.
Also bought another cute dress. I am building a cute wardrobe, now where to wear all of these dresses to? Maybe I can find a GAL that requires dressing up.
