Thank you, Cadet! That was what I needed. I was dithering because I was waiting for validation that what I was doing was correct. But I realised that no one else can make that decision for me.
I will now make the decision that I will move on and not be bitter. I have to show my kid that I am strong, that I do not have to bend over backwards to accommodate those who are hurting me. I have to show kid that one must have healthy boundaries in life.
Time is on my side and I will use it to help me heal.
And you are really spot-on with the analogy of a wounded animal thrashing about in pain. That is what XH reminds me of, and I really do feel sorry for him. When I don't feel the urge to icepick him, that is. He does what he does, and there really is no stopping him. Futile and a waste of energy, and it only ends up hurting me further.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Zues, I can feel your pain at your WAW. I understand, I really do. Despite the fact that I was the one who initiated the divorce, I was also the one who tried to give the M a second chance again. He was the one who didn't want to. In the end, I am the LBS, just like you.
I have never talked about this before, because it cuts to the core. XH demanded that I went ahead with the D or he would cut Kid out of his life. I was the one who pleaded with him to let Kid attend his mum's Birthday Party because Kid was looking forward to. I contacted his family even though I knew they were angry with me, because damn it, Kid wanted to feel like she still had a family, even if daddy was mad with mummy. And damn it again, I was not going to let her feel otherwise, even if I had to put my pride down.
XH used Kid against me. He threw me crumbs, ML to me, and then changed his mind about R. In the end, I granted him the divorce, just so that he can be with OW, and just so that Kid would have a father figure in her life. It may not make sense to you, but I would rather hurt myself than to have Kid lose a father. Who in the right mind would hand her spouse to the OW on a silver platter? But that was what I did, just so that I didn't have to drag Kid through an acrimonius divorce.
His L asked for supervised access once every two weeks. I didn't limit his access once I saw that he had calmed down. Since I wasn't going to stop him from getting together with the other woman, there was no reason why he would get mad with Kid.
I have never demanded that he changed. I knew who he was when I married. All that I have ever asked for what to change the way we communicated. I never said that I was perfect, and I didn't expect him to be.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
If XH had had his rampages anywhere outside the house, he would have been arrested immediately. That was how bad his rampages were. And during the rampages,I had always warned him that I would not hesitate to call the police if he so much as laid a finger on me.
If his behaviour is not acceptable with strangers, or even at work, why should it be acceptable with his family?
Even when I was emotionally detached, I had never been unfaithful to XH. There were many opportunities and interested parties, and their attention was flattering, but no, I couldn't do it.
Even when I found out about his affair, which must have gone on for quite a few years, I was so tempted to do a tit for tat and I could have. But I just couldn't. Which is why I don't agree with the another sites view that everyone is predisposed to affairs; we may all be faced with temptations but not all will make the conscious decision to cross the line.
Last edited by Cadet; 10/13/1511:12 AM. Reason: per forum agreement no mention of other sites
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Is XH a gentle person? I know many gentle people around me. Gentle people do not go on rampages no matter how provoked they are. Of course they do get angry, who doesn't? But there is a fine line between angry and snapping.
Am I a gentle person? I have my temper too. But I know that however much the other person has been an arse, the onus is still on me to control my emotions.
That is not saying that XH is a bad person. He is not. Which is why even after the humiliation from the rampage, and from being compared to a prostitute in front of the OW, I was still considering R. My friends and family couldn't understand my decision and my efforts because they saw how much pain I was going through and how close I came to crumbling.
Despite all the hurt that I went through and am still going through, I realised that I would have hurt him as well, even if unintentionally.
He was the one who didn't hesitate cutting off Kid off from his life. He would rather have other people's kids than to have his own kid. Granted I would have caused him immense hurt, but what have our kid done to him?
XH and I, we are both flawed people. Maybe that was why i was drawn to him. I recognised this ache, this hole in him, and I wanted to help him. We have a lot of issues with our own families and with ourselves. But what Michele says is true, one can analyse the issues to death, but that will never help you move forward. You really just have to do it.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Even now, I feel odd at the thought of seeing other people. I am now legally and morally free to do so, but I just can't get into the dating scene too enthusiastically.
I know I have to heal first, and this is what I will do.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Zues, you know what? I grew up in an angry environment. Unfortunately for me, I do not have a close relationship with my father.
I witnessed my father thrashing the house as well. Breaking the furniture, going on a rampage, and hitting my mum. It was terrifying. This is why I never sleep well at night. Because even when I was young, I had this need to make sure that I stayed awake to protect my mum. After all these years, I am still a very light sleeper.
This is also why I never had serious relationships until I met my XH. I was afraid that the men I met would hurt me. (The irony of it) I was afraid of opening up. I was afraid of being vulnerable because vulnerability meant fear. I pushed all those who were interested in me away, because somehow I never felt good enough. I was always afraid that I would end up like my mum.
So anger can scar, and it can scar someone permanently.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Zues, if I had read any of the books I had read now, I would have done things differently. But I didn't. And there is no point for me beating myself up over that because I can't turn back time.
I had actually wanted to try out separation, but I sought the wrong advice, and made the mistake of filing for a divorce, instead of a separation. However, I wonder if this point is moot, because XH's affair seems to have started way before this. In fact, sometimes I wonder if his outburst was a way to make me to file the divorce just so he didn't have to.
The OW is not young and she is running out of time. She is pressuring XH. When did the pressure begin?
When I was not running around like a headless chicken, crying, pursuing, and pleading, I was actually quite sane. Instinctively, I acknowledged where XH was coming from, and I actually told him that I acknowledged my faults and I was willing to change myself for the better.
But and this is the big but, I cannot be perfect, and I didn't want to lie that I could. OW could promise him perfection, and he decided to choose perfection.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Eureka moment. I just realised that somehow, I have placed a smiley face in all of my posts. I am definitely not as deep in the doldrums as I was when I first started, but I am definitely not as happy as smiley face yet.
Confused would be better.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
What I will like to keep: My stubborness, when it comes to things that matter My smile, when I do smile My warped sense of humour
What I will like to change: My impatience, the world will not end just because things do not go as fast I think they should My pessimism, things will get better or at least they can't get much worse. My aloof demeanor, I may not be as smiley as a dolphin, but I could do with more smiles The dance of the emotional pursuer
Can't remember what's the 3rd part.
Last edited by Grlonfr; 10/13/1512:52 PM.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
