That's interesting because I wouldn't have thought of that as being controlling. That gives me something to think about Azzork.
Im not sure that doing it a single time is incredibly controlling. But repeated over and over again about every big financial decision, it begins to FEEL controlling for her. And we all know that if she FEELS controlled, then she IS controlled.
From my side, I always handled all of the money, because I thought she didnt want to. But I can see her feeling controlled by me not sharing the details with her.
I know I thought the reason she,asked to separate was about the time with her and not doing enough arround the house and partley it was but I believe she felt abused and controlled ..this is what I am picking up from what she has underlined on the book
This situation feels un fixable
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
read Sandi's answer again. She is just justifying her actions. You did hear that she is rewriting history, right? That is one of the reasons why it is said that trust nothing coming from her.
You are paying waaaaaaaaaaaaay to much attention to what she says or does.
Again, please see Sandi's advice and try to live for you as you would like to live. Anything else will come out fake and it will explode in your face...
read Sandi's answer again. She is just justifying her actions. You did hear that she is rewriting history, right? That is one of the reasons why it is said that trust nothing coming from her.
You are paying waaaaaaaaaaaaay to much attention to what she says or does.
Again, please see Sandi's advice and try to live for you as you would like to live. Anything else will come out fake and it will explode in your face...
Im not sure if this is because of the line of thinking Ive been posting of late, but, either way, I DO agree with you and Sandi both. My point is that for you (Ghost), going forward, you should consider your past actions and whether you have been controlling. And if so, you may consider striving to change those behaviors. Not to win your W back, but for long-term success as Ghost56.
If you found this book by snooping, then stop snooping. End of story.
If she is leaving the book out in plain sight for you to see, maybe pick it up and say "W? Do you want to talk about this? " If she says yes, listen to her and validate and take it to heart. It could be BS, or it could be an eye opener. Either way, if your W has a problem and wants to discuss it, by all means hear her out.
If she left it out for you to see, and does not want to talk about it, then she is playing games with you. You are a grown man, with a life, with children, you don't have time for games- you are too busy with the gym and with your dance classes and I am sure D wants you to go take her to ride her horse and the baby could use a trip to the playground. All better uses of your time than trying to please someone who is not your friend, does not respect you, and will not discuss things openly with you.
Lastly, get your own book. Get a fun book that is uplifting and interesting to you. Highlight the heck out of it. Go to town with that highlighter- anything positive or funny or that will add to your life and your well being, highlight it. Let her highlight all of her problems, while you, the new and improved Ghost have let go of that habit and will now highlight the good stuff in life. And I mean that literally and figuratively Ghost.
And I would argue that your constant questioning about what you can do to change her mind about you and your M is a form of controlling behavior... that stems from fear, right?
But you can only control you. Be someone only a fool would leave...and then if she still leaves, you can sleep well knowing that she was a fool. (That's my stbx). In other words, you can be the most perfect person in the world and she may still decide to D you. YOU CANNOT CONTROL THAT. letting go of the need to control the outcome is terrifying, but also very empowering, Ghost. Because if you use this gift of time to become the best Ghost you can be, then the future is bright for you, regardless of what happens in your M.
Someone gave me sage advice at the start of my journey... DBing may not save your M, but it will definitely save YOU. I owe this board a whole lot, even if I am on my way to getting D.
Bud Please realize I understand the hurt as much as the next person and you. But I know I was not the sole reason for this. There are so many things people can do to be happy or fox what they don't like. She is choosing he easy way blame you and move on. Yes she can't control how she feels bit feelings change and if she wanted to work she would. Stop the pity party.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I feel your fear Ghost, we all do. We've been in this really dark place. The what, the why, the when. So, you do control Ghost, or does the fear control Ghost? Does Ghost want to be unhappy? No, of course he doesn't, so come on mate, start rising up from the kicking you have received.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
