If you have been keeping up with my thread you will know that WW and I have not communicated directly in 3 months. Well, I started going back through the DR book from the beginning. I decided to write down my small goals.
One of them was that WW would try and communicate with me directly. I kid you not, 45 minutes later I picked up the kids and my daughter gave me a hand written note from WW. Of course, it was nothing special. It was only one sentence dealing with the kids.
I'm not really excited about it but I thought it was funny that I had just put that goal in place and it was accomplished so soon after. Michelle does tell us to make these goals otherwise we will not know if we are seeing improvement. If I had not made this small goal I would not have even taken notice of the small change in our R dynamic.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
This weekend was pretty good overall. I had a great time with my children. However, D7 did talk to me about some things that kind of hurt. She asked me who I loved more, my mom or dad? I told her that when I was younger that I probably felt closer to my mom. Then I asked if she was trying to tell me that she loved her mom more than me. She said yes. Then she said, mommy carried me in her tummy and nursed me as a baby. Plus she is a girl like I am.
I just told her that it was okay to feel that way and that it was natural. I told her that it did not affect how I felt about her. I told her that I will always love and protect her no matter what.
D5 on the other hand keeps telling me that she does not want to go home. She wants to spend one night with mommy and then one night with daddy. She said I am more fun. I feel sorry for her. WW and D7 have a special connection and always have. I am sure D5 feels left out of this and longs for that special connection. I just tell her that I am happy that she likes spending time with me and that I like to be with her as well.
One other thing that D7 did was tell me that she missed mommy. She said that she wanted to go home. I told her that she would go home the next day. She started to cry a little bit and told me "you don't know what it is like to have divorced parents." I just said that she was right and that I loved her. I told her that her time with me was special and that mommy would see her tomorrow. I just held her in my lap and we talked for a little while. She seemed to get over it pretty quick.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
Whyus...the pain the children go through makes me seriously doubt the overall level of sanity in our world today! So very many people buying into the Divorce Trap. We screwed up as a society at some point to make this awful thing so very easy. I hate Divorce!
I'm so proud of you for digging in to DR again. I've made up my mind to keep reading pages daily. Even if my M fails, the book has done great things for me as a person...this forum even more so. Keep up the great work!
What is more perplexing to me is that my WW has always been the over the top mom. She was worried about their self-esteem, moral, and psychological needs in general. Now, she believes those things will be better served by this divorce because she will be able to be a more capable mother without being married to such a terrible H.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
I thought of something last night and wonder if anyone has an answer. Once the A ends, is that the time when a change in the R will occur? What I am asking is, is that when I should really expect WW to start looking at the reality of the situation? Will this cause the fog to at least temporarily lift? Or is the A more a symptom of the fog?
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
I thought of something last night and wonder if anyone has an answer. Once the A ends, is that the time when a change in the R will occur? What I am asking is, is that when I should really expect WW to start looking at the reality of the situation? Will this cause the fog to at least temporarily lift? Or is the A more a symptom of the fog?
I dont think anyone can tell you whether the A is a symptom of a "fog", or the cause of it. In my practice I have seen it both ways. I have seen people have affairs that were clearly driven by personal or marital issues. I have also seen plenty of people getting divorced because one of them basically slipped into an affair even with no complaints about their marriage or spouse. I would say that in the large majority of the cases I have seen where a W is leaving for an OM, it is obvious to everyone but the WW that she is downgrading her and her children's lives in virtually all areas. In many cases like this the WW will wake up at the end when she is actually living her new reality - typically that will spur them to either try to reconcile or decide to go on the attack.
However, I will say two things that I think are truisms from my observations, bearing in mind this is a sample where legal proceedings have started. 1, I have never, ever seen a WW stop an affair out of her own free will until she was pressured to by her family, job, kids or husband. 2, I have never, ever seen a WW make any attempt to reconcile while she was still having an affair.
Thank you very much for that response. All of the things you mention are very interesting. Legal proceeding have already started for me so your experience seems relevant. I don't think her family is aware of the extent of the A. They think it is only an EA and now it is even less, they are only really good friends. WW has done a good job of keeping them away from reality. Chances are they will not be the catalyst. I obviously am not the catalyst. Two of my kids are very young so I do not think they will be the ones to get her to stop. My older one, S19, has already said something to her but it did not seem to phase her.
The only way I see the A ending is if the OM calls it off or she finds someone else that is not long distance and starts a new A.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
