It's like the love bank concept. There are small, occasional deposits but the withdrawals are often huge.
And now, I can't decide if he is love banking me or throwing me crumbs. Or if I should even be considering any transactions with him at this point in time.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
It wasn't a single moment but it was a specific period of time where I decided I just didn't want to be that guy anymore.
Amazingly, I had never acted that way with anyone else. In the past, if someone hurt me, I just took it, processed it, and moved on.
They say the first step in solving a problem is admitting you have one. I had to first admit that my W had done some wrongs, that I wasn't wrong to feel the way I did about it, but that only I was wrong in the way I chose to respond. And I had to acknowledge that I was indeed making a CHOICE about how to respond.
Once I got to that point, change was a little easier...still challenging, but now I had clarity and strong motivation, knew what to do...but it was a long time getting to that point.
When you're drunk on anger, you stop thinking and acting rationally and simply react to pleasure/pain...mainly pain. Not much better than an animal, and certainly not fully human.
You said there have only been 2 outbursts. Well as a former anger addict I can say that I've seen how a single outburst completely changes the dynamic, and especially a woman's sense of comfort and trust. I didn't have constant outbursts, but after the first one she was already distancing herself. And that undercurrent of anger that I projected even if I didn't act upon kept the concern alive in her because I didn't address it and solve the problem head-on myself.
Believe me, if he truly makes a change, it will be impossible to miss.
No. I am very comfortable with my own company and I have my beloved kiddo. I have pretty much developed a thick hide after all that I have gone through.
Is he a good provider?
I am financially independent and our contribution to the household expenses is about the same. There is a slight slide in the standard of living though.
I suppose I am hanging on because I really thought that if we could work things through, the M could become stronger and better. But I am starting to wonder if I should.
And assuming that I am crazy enough to still want to hang on, what are the things I should be looking out for? Do I look out for small steps and slowly increase my interactions with him? Or there really is no point unless he offers to cut off the OW totally and I should just cut him off totally until then? And offers to continue with the IC beyond what is necessary?
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
tl2, Thanks for your replies. It's pretty hard to see his changes now that we're not living together anymore.
But I suppose he must see what it is that he has to change and take the responsibility for his own actions. I guess it'll be a case of I'll know it when I see it.
That recent 'cheaterbug' incident just shows how he is not there yet.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
If by 'what things should I be looking for' you mean in terms of whether he has learned to control his anger, I don't know how much of this applies to everyone and how much applies to me only. I can tell you how it was for me:
1. My outbursts were also infrequent, but like I mentioned previously, there was also the undercurrent. Let's say I ended up raising my voice and being aggressive and loud (and thereby threatening and intimidating) every 4 months. I realized at least that long would have to pass before I even got her attention and made her think it was possible I had changed.
2. From her side...I think it took between 6 months and a year for it to start to sink in for her that this was a real change and a new habit, and not just temporary damage control done out of a sense of panic on my side over possibly losing her.
3. After a year or so, my kids also started to remark that I seemed a lot calmer and less tense all the time, more easygoing like I used to be. Easier to approach and talk to. I think that made a difference for her.
4. I eventually, slowly started doing more special things for her and trying to be closer and more affectionate (without chastising her for not initiating) once I felt like she was a bit more open to that.
So that part has gotten better. The other problems in our marriage, some of which have been instigated by her behavior, remain unsolved by her choice.
At some point I had to step back from things, tell her I'll support her if she wants to make progress. And I had to just keep reminding myself, "Not my circus, not my monkeys."
You wrote: It's pretty hard to see his changes now that we're not living together anymore.
Still all about time and temperature. If he makes overtures to you you can still check his demeanor when he does so...is he clearly giving you space and respectful of your concern and need to protect yourself emotionally? I would think he would demonstrate that or maybe even address it directly without getting upset that you don't take his word for it.
When the time seems right, you could also maybe ask him a question like, "Looking back, what do you think about the temper tantrums and my concern about them?"
I would think the response someone would want would demonstrate contrition/remorse/regret, total acceptance of responsibility, total acknolwedgement of how destructive/hurtful/unacceptable it is for an adult much more a husband and father.
Pres. Reagan used to say, "Trust, but verify". For myself I realized that I needed to verify with my actions before there was any possibility of my wife trusting me with her feelings again. Even though it seems like she has chosen not to, it was totally worth it even though I haven't gotten the response from her that I want.
tl2, sound advice. The closest he had ever got to conceding his responsibility for his outburst was when he acknowledged that I had the right to be hurt by his outburst.
And when I suggested that he stopped the counselling since he didn't think it was helping him, he blanched.
Overtures wise, he hasn't been keeping his distance away from me. It used to be that he would refuse to sit opposite me when we went out for dinners. Now, he would make an effort not to get away from me and he will actually look me in the eye and initiate conversations.
I don't think that he will be falling over himself 'to get into my good books' soon. Because he feels that I have to prove to him that I am worth going back to!
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I need to be better at this detaching thing. I really need to feel that either way, I am going to be fine.
tl2, I don't know if it's applicable to your sitch. But I know that it is applicable to mine, if only I can get my heart to listen to my head.
I realise that I tend to get a better bargain when I am prepared to walk away from a deal that doesn't meet my requirements. And I can only do that when I am not affected by what I feel I want, and make my decision based on what I know I need and can live with. Doesn't work all of the time, but it does work most of the time.
Last edited by Grlonfr; 10/12/1503:40 PM.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
My attitude is that I'm open to her if she becomes open and willing for us to go get the professional help we would need to get moving again. My thinking is that I made a commitment to support her and do what is required, and will do that if she wants, and will remain married and give her space until she completes the D proceedings or, by some off-chance, decides to return.
With no contact, it's actually gotten easier for me to detach and try to prepare for the D while still remaining open to her if she decides to open up a bit.
