Feet on the ground, head in the sky

[kml]

Or, alternately, you could reply: "I see, so you want a woman who is stupider and has bigger boobs. Is that correct?"

[HaWho]

AJ - such good advice. Need to re-read it all. This whole process makes me realize how few tools I have in my toolbox. I know I cannot focus on him, but reading your posts AJ, just reinforces how immature my H is. The way you just understand there is a balance that needs to take place in relationships and that you have to work to get that white picket fence built, these are concepts my H does not comprehend yet.

I know he is going to test. He is SO mad! He has already told me I am delusional. Now he has closed himself into his room and is back to playing really loud music. He is also back to showering downstairs. He is ignoring me completely with very angry body language. Kind of comical when he is standing next to my 12 year who sometimes acts the same way but S12 then knows to come apologize!!

He actually rarely monsters to my face. He writes it. The other time I have confronted him about a boundary he did not make eye contact either and backed down completely. But he is very brave behind that keyboard!!

Now I practice going dim and silence/not engaging.

[HaWho]

KML - missed your earlier posts! Too funny the Raquel Welch/Anne Hathaway coincidence. Thing is... I was always the athletic Anne Hathaway!! It's not like I ever was Raquel Welch, had children and then became Anne Hathaway?!?

As for trying to be more sexy - I know I would giggle through it. I would feel like I was acting in some cheesy Spanish soap opera!

H is very smart. Not as well educated as me on paper, but smart in all the ways I am not. He should not be insecure here.

H is very good looking. He certainly could have had a Raquel Welch type. But he chose Anne Hathaway. I think he really regrets that decision. When I called him out on my body type not being his ideal, he did not deny it. This might be a simple case of buyer's remorse on his part.

[mleigh4]

Just catching up and it kills me how your H has affected your self esteem with this letter. I can't believe he said those things. I do believe that often when people lash out with verbal or written abuse, it is a reflection of their own unhappiness with themselves.

Beauty has nothing to do with what you look like. I know very attractive people who are not kind, and they actually look ugly to me when I look at them. Same goes for friends who are not eye catchers, but they are loving and caring, therefore beautiful in my eyes and I compliment them often.

I also see so much passive aggressive behavior from your H in your discussion about this, he is truly a broken man. Hawho, he was obviously attracted to you otherwise you would never have gotten this far.

Being true to yourself is tough. I too tried to be someone I wasn't thinking this would make H happy, and it was the start of our tumble. It wasn't until he left that I truly started becoming myself again. With that, I see a sparkle back in his eyes when he looks at me that I haven't seen for a long time.

Setting boundaries, I too was scared that by doing that, I would push him farther away. I was terrified and Job pushed and helped me to be firm about putting myself first right now. Know what? I feel more respect for myself and from H than I have in a long time. It has made me stronger and I am learning to use this tool in other parts of my life, with MIL for example. No more being pushed around or made to feel like a fool when all I want is respect!

I am proud of you for setting those boundaries with your H. Stay strong, I am sending you my strong vibes!! BTW, you seem to be quite a beautiful person to me. Keep your chin up, love yourself and be true to who you are.

((Hugs))

[HaWho]

Wow Mleigh- really beautiful post! So much wisdom. Thank you!

Yes, so much damage was done by that letter and yet it spurred so much growth in me! It was the catalyst for the interior work I have avoided doing (so much easier to watch H then turn the spotlight onto me.)

As for H, and the ugliness of that letter, he is growing up and it is an ugly business. Who among us went through those years with dignity and grace? I am sure I did not!

I never had "issues" with the way I looked. Looks were never really a huge focus for me. Unfortunately, part of my interior work now, is that I did internalize much of what was written to me. I am analyzing that. Per Job's advice I am working with an IC on this brand new issue for me!

20 years ago if a man made even one of these comments to me, I would have rolled up my middle finger and walked on by. No one would have been able to tell me how to feel about myself.

So, Mleigh, I hear you on how you can look up and suddenly realize you lost yourself. This letter has made me feel like I am Swiss cheese: whole pieces now missing!

I needed to set that boundary to begin to take back my body and re-build my confidence in this area.

[HaWho]

One other thing on the PA behavior Mleigh pointed out.

H can come to me and say he changed his mind and does not feel more for me than sister/deep friend bond. He can change his mind. Of course he can; he has free will!

But when he writes me a nasty letter and I change my mind and say I reject the message of this letter, he gets mad! What a double standard! I am not allowed to change my mind too?!?

[AJM]

Allowed to change your mind? Of course. But it's really about balance and not about changing your mind.

Becoming you is important. Not becoming who you were, but who you are. When you talk to your IC, talk about that and see the difference.

Mleigh is right - there are plenty of people that at first glance are eye-catching. It usually takes about 15 seconds to see if that's only skin deep.

I had a friend growing up. His mom was a piece of work and he didn't take it very well. He was stunningly good looking. We'd go to clubs and girls would flock around him like fish to bait. We used to laugh about it. He had blue eyes, black hair and was athletically built. But once he opened his mouth and started to talk, those same girls couldn't get away fast enough. After jail time, he became an overweight pot-head and kept doing the same things over and over again. I felt sorry for him, but he pushed me and the others away. I hope he found his balance at some point.

My point is that people can be good looking and still not be. That cliché about beauty being skin deep is around for a reason.

One other thing to think about. I run into a lot of people that are or have gone through divorce. They seem to buy into the idea that they know themselves better now and know what they want. They then take steps to get what they want.

From what I've seen, they are just taking control of their lives when everything else is out of control. They are missing the point in my opinion. The point is to become who they are, not become business-like and "decide" what they should be. They decide and tend to conform to societal images of who they should be when they do that.

Be you. Everyone else is taken and frankly, not as good.

When you're authentically you, you have more confidence. You radiate peace and beauty. I can tell you as somebody who has dated quite a bit, nothing is more attractive than a woman who is authentically herself and has that inner beauty and peace. The rest is, as one of my friends puts it, cotton candy. Sweet, but no substance.

You are doing the right thing by ignoring the letters. I faced that with my ex for many years. She still tries from time to time, but I've learned that it's just writing and a point in time.

Which leads me to the next part - perspective. Another tool you may want to add to the box, but one that takes time to develop. And a lot of brutal self-honesty. But one that is very much worth it and very very powerful.

Peace,
AJ

[HaWho]

I have a glimpse as to why H is so mad. As mentioned he is not very verbal-prefers to hide in his room behind his computer.

After I reneged on H's conditions to letter and set the boundary, this is that message he sent me while I was sleeping.

He said:

I bait and switched him. I said the letter was welcome and I could make the changes easily. Now the well intentioned letter is an insult and discussion of what his needs were is an abomination. My deception about the letter is now out there. How can he confide in me again on that topic? He moved out of the bedroom because I betrayed him again and now for the last time with his complicity. He does not plan on talking truly to me again. (But he sent me the dark/depressed poem 1 hr later.)

I answered back:

Yes, I did pretend I was okay with the letter. But then I felt deep shame about it and all you asked of me. I started not to feel unattractive when you were looking at me and that's with my clothes on! I started to dislike how I looked to myself. I have learned that my first reaction is to please vs. processing/being honest with myself. I did it to make you happy and I was dishonest with myself. But women have born children and aged far worse than I have and their husbands still revere them and their bodies. I want to be me and I want to be adored for being me.
-------
Ugh- I wish I taken the time to process that letter. Learned a valuable lesson about myself. He feels duped. But it is so much more complicated than that. It is kind of like agreeing to rob an old lady and then it is time to do it and just can't. You have the knife, the mask and it is dark w/no one around but you just can't go through with it.

He is saying he cannot trust me. That the letter was "well intentioned." (Hah! If those are "good intentions" I will take "bad intentions instead!") But he does not see that it is not stuff he should be asking for if he truly loves me. And it should not be stuff I am agreeing to because it is disrespectful to my core. We are both broken you see . . . he for wanting me to go see Frankenstein's monster and me for agreeing!

I sense PA projection--he is not sorry for asking/shaming me rather he puts it on me and says I tricked him.

The part where he says "how can he confide in me again on this issue?"; I think that's a boundary test. He is taking my pulse to see if he can bait me into saying "I am so sorry. You can ask anything of me. We can talk about my body again!"

It feels like he is doing the take away by saying "I will not confide in you again." In all honesty I never want him to feel like he can confide those things in me. Who wants a laundry list of everything that is wrong with her?!? It was 1 3/4 pages long! It is easier for both of us if he just finds that woman that completes his checklist. (He can order her online from Mattel--shout out to Job!).

He is really mad. Inside of doing the interior work of what it is inside of him that thinks it's okay to ask that of your wife/say that to a woman, he is busy turning the light on me for hoodwinking him.

Let's see what all his anger over this reveals to him . . .

[AJM]

But he does not see that it is not stuff he should be asking for if he truly loves me.

Seems more like he is trying to convince himself of something. It's a predictable pattern i.e. not that he always felt that way or does now, but rather a way to justify how he feels in general. Par for the course.

But I do agree he should not feel comfortable telling you those kinds of things. There are, as you surmised, boundaries. And while the arena can be large, appropriate conversations and language that takes into account other's feelings.

His empathy chip is broken and he is focused on justifying more than looking inward, if you ask me.

Likely mad and other emotions at the same time. But certainly looking for somebody to blame for his own issues.

How do you plan to handle that?

AJ

[HaWho]

Hi AJ- agreed on all feedback. Thanks! Knowing him the way I do, he just can't admit fault and projects errors onto me.

Good question on how I will deal with him blaming it on me. Right now I am going dim.

If he writes to me again, I plan to take a day and process before responding as it is imperative I show these changes are real, which they are.

In general, if he blames me again, my sense is to tell him that these are not things one asks for in order to feel love. And, that by conforming to these things I will be living a lie, losing myself to gain something very unhealthy. Then I will only resent him and myself. (All true.)

If he comes to talk to me--highly unlikely, but if he is rational I will tell him I need time to think it over. If he spews I am going to go silent and leave the room calmly.

AJ - is there some other general advice you can offer? Or am I good?