Running away is an option but the emotions would just follow you unfortunately.
The thing is, the reality isn't any different than it was yesterday. The reality is you H had and affair as you suspected. He broke it off and he is willing to work on the marriage.
Continue to process your emotions with your counselors and continue to draw the boundaries you need to draw.
I am praying right now for you to have peace and wisdom.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
Hi Ancaire, I am so sorry for your pain. When my wife's affair was discovered in '08 she agreed to end it. She took 3 months to wean herself from the other man. I remember watching her laying on the bed in the fetal position crying and depressed. So besides my wife cheating on me I had to live with her going through withdrawal. I never told anyone about that, the pain she gave me after the fact. It hurt like hell. I know your pain and I am so sorry your experiencing it.
You said: How am I ever supposed to let him touch me again? My stomach turns at the very thought. He admitted if I'd done the same, he wouldn't be able to forgive me - it would be over.
Take it day by day. Your in no condition to think about that with the emotional trauma you have just experienced. If and when your ready you'll know. If your not ready it may lead to bitterness and resentment. I call male bovine solid waste on your husband proclamation. I said all those things to myself before my wife had her affair. You don't what you'll feel until it's in your face
You said: I'm supposed to be the forgiving one?
You can only do what you think is right. Own you stuff and he owns his. I do not in anyway think your medical issues equate to and affair. For the marriage to move forward you both have to forgive each other.
You said: My patience is nearing its' end, though. He's been a controlling, abusive, butthead for years. I am not putting up with that for even one more second. I don't know, guys...I just don't know. We have such a mountain to climb from here.
Your assessment of his behavior and your patience is most probably correct and you shouldn't put up with it. The question is what do you want? It may take time for you to digest all this and have a clear idea. I think your in emotional shock and should not make any big decisions for quite a while.
Just hang on and go day by day and it will get better slowly. What is your husband doing to improve himself? Is he going to IC? I hope he isn't throwing all this on you.That would be the height of deflection.
Thank you, Mutatio. I needed those kind words of wisdom tonight. I'm fighting off depression as best I can...but it's a struggle right now. I have had way too many thoughts tonight about just ending it all. That's the real struggle with a chemical imbalance. One part of me knows what is happening and why - but another part keeps shouting out the sane voice.
It really is one thing to think you know, and another completely to hear from H' s own mouth the bitter, ugly truth. The kids blame me. H blames me. I blame me
It all just seems too much...the depression, the health problems, the angry family. I think I'll just keep posting all night. It'll keep me busy so I can't think too much.
Judy, I am so sorry for your pain. There is nothing I can say that can alleviate your pain, just know you can vent to me anytime and I am praying for you. You are one of the strongest people I know.
Letting go of the hurt and trying to find forgiveness is going to be a journey. The only thing I can say is that it's a journey you'll have to take whether you stay together or not. Despite the fact my M is lost I had to (and still am) work through a lot of pain and anger in light of the betrayal.
After all, what is more violating than having someone break their vows and be intimate with someone else, having them take the place of their W?
All I can offer is one though comforting thought...there is something even more intimate. Being his W throughout. OW can offer seduction. Only you can stay by his side as he nearly destroys his life. OW can offer a fun night. Only you can be his lifelong partner. OW can go through good times with him. Only you can go through bad times with him. And only you would...that builds a trust and connection so deep, nothing can compare. It would be like if another woman took your kids away and spoiled them rotten for a few days. They may like her for the moment, but you are their mom, and nothing can compete with that.
To end on a humorous note it reminds me of a pool story. I got beat in the finals of a tournament by this young up and comer a number of years ago. I was the heavy favorite. He was the dark horse. He won, and it was his biggest moment. I was happy for him. But then he started getting really cocky. Way out of line. Talking a little too disrespectfully. So I hit him with this line that hit the nail on the head. I said: "You're so pumped because you beat me, but look, in your entire life your biggest win is that you beat me once. Me? I AM ME."
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I know your depression is adding another layer to this. I know you feel hopeless, like it will never get better. You feel like there are too many things piles on top of you. You probably also know that it will pass.
Hang on tonight and call your counselor or doctor tomorrow. This is not something you can/should process on your own.
In my darkest hour my sister gave me this verse from Lamentations.
Hear my cry O God Listen to my prayer From the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint Lead me to the rock that is higher than I For you have been my refuge A strong tower against the enemy.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
Your words of comfort are on point! You're right...I probably am the only person in the world who cares about this man enough to help him through the biggest screw-ups of his life. I know he thinks I'm never going to get over it, and our M is done. Isn't he in for a surprise? I am getting it together chatting with everyone tonight. Thank God!
I do love my family enough to give it my best. I feel like I owe them that for the years that went by when I absolutely was NOT giving it my best. Depression is rough...I really don't want to go back down that road. The cost is just too high...
