There is one for a whole day of staying in bed and cuddling, LOL. That was definitely pre-kids. Another for a dinner out to a restaurant I am pretty sure is no longer in business. Why didn't I cash these in? I guess back then I didn't need coupons, I was getting these things regularly. I also found a list of "what I won't do with you in bed" it was blank. The good old days.
H is leaving tonight for a 10 day trip. Last night we watched tv and drank wine. It was pleasant. After that I brought the bottle upstairs and encouraged H to talk. I asked him to tell me all about his upcoming trip. Every detail, what is he planning to accomplish, what is the content of the upcoming meetings, who will be there, etc etc. He really seemed to relax and enjoy the attention. Then my D came in for a hug from me, wouldn't give H one, but was being kind of funny about it, (as opposed to obnoxious which she can be.). I could tell it hurt him, but I can't force a 14 yr old to hug her father. I listened to him and encouraged him to talk about his pain about being rejected by her.
I listened, I didn't interrupt, or judge. I did just have to throw in that I don't believe the situation is hopeless, I am sorry but I just always have to throw that in, because it is the truth. But I said that after he talked and I validated, and I said it more as an after thought, not part of the conversation. We talked for about 30-40 minutes, just quiet talking, all H, with me gently encouraging and validating. No R talk.
We are taking the kids out for a hike today, and then on the way back dropping H off at the airport. I asked H if he could show me how to use the power washer this morning before we leave because I want to power wash the house. It is surprisingly easy, just have to climb up on a ladder so I am only going to be able to do the first floor.
Heading out soon to hike with the kids, drop H off at the airport, and then I have music lessons for the kids tonight (teacher is a friend of mine and he comes to the house) and another friend of mine is going to come over while the boys are in lessons to test my D for some visual problems that my friend suspects she has. (My friend is a reading specialist.) This poor girl has so many problems, the list keeps growing. Mostly sensory based, its like her brain has no filter and she gets overwhelmed with sounds, lights, etc, and it sends her into high anxiety. My H doesn't believe any of it, thinks she is just a discipline problem and that she hates him. No wonder why she won't give him a hug. LOL- I just realized how many good friends I have- I have a great network.
The problems between H and D are a huge issue. All the validation and DB'ing in the world isn't going to solve that. I could get my H back, but at some point he is going to have to learn how to relate to our D. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
Very busy day today, all the way up until tonight. It will be a good day.
It was a good day. The kids didn't want to hike, and it was taking everyone a long time to get organized this morning, so we skipped the hike and H, S9 and I went to a sale and out to lunch. It was ok. Neutral, not exactly pleasant but not unpleasant either. Took H to the airport. He was in a mood, abrupt and a bit harsh in his tone, seemed like everything I said pissed him off. Got to the airport, he came around to me in the drivers seat, gave me a "half hug" through the window, no kiss, no thank you, just an "ok" and walked away. Very cold.
I drove home with tears in my eyes, but I am ok. Kids had music lessons, a friend came over and we split a bottle of sangria, now I am babysitting for a friend's kids and they should be going home soon.
I am done. This is my time to detach. I can not stay in crisis mode. I can not continue to be punished. I feel like the time is right, I keep grasping at detachment, maybe getting it for a day or two, sometimes even a week, and then sliding back. I am ready to take a huge step forward in this area. I need to for self preservation. He is not well, so depressed, so checked out, so angry.
I have stopped "flooding", stopped reacting, am better at validating, my GAL is more balanced and realistic now that I have slowed it down and added some quiet reading time so I should be less exhausted and "frantic" with my activities. I have flirted with my x-bf and felt a little thrill about that, and cut that off. I know that isn't a road I want to pursue. Pursuing a job. I think I have made a lot of progress emotionally.
A thought I had today- if I am tempted to text or call H, or obsessing over him, I will stop and do pushups or else clean my house for 15 minutes. Setting the timer. I did this twice after the airport drop off and I got so much cleaning done!
Much more positive than obsessing. And I hate to clean, and I hate pushups, so this might just make me stop thinking about H so much.
I found a few books at the library for my non-fiction reading GAL, George Washington's spies and Unbroken. Also searching for a sexy halloween costume. And working on a few home decor/organizing projects, as always, never seems to end- but my house is finally starting to get a "pulled together" look. We have been living here for 3 years and its been evolving. I've been juicing for one meal per day, mostly breakfast. And keeping up with walking 3 miles every day after I drop kids off at school.
So, there is a lot going on in my life. A lot of positive, a lot of change, a lot of self care, and forward momentum.
Wow. Just wow. It's been a big day for you on a lot of levels! I agree this break will do you, especially, some good. My H travels a lot with work, and right now I am really thankful for that. Too much time together right now is not a good thing...so much healing to do.
I've slacked off on my self-care this week, trying to take care of so many other things. You've motivated me to make that a priority this next week! I cannot afford to slack off in that area, yet it is always the first to go.
Good job photo. Sounds like you have the right mindset. I agree that physical absence will help. I am happy that baseball is over, and I won't be seeing W nearly as often. I think it will make detachment at least possible.
Keep it up!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
It sounds like you do what a lot of us do (or have done)..get a positive reaction on something from our spouse and think about it differently than they do. Or, even if you think about it the same, they get scared and back away again. Do not let it get to you. It probably doesn't mean anything, it is just him trying to sort this all out.
I had an A about 8 years ago and it took several years for me to truly let go. We weren't in touch that long but I didn't want to give up what I felt for him because I was afraid my M would go back to the way it was. As frustrating as it is that your H might be in contact with her on social media, it doesn't mean he doesn't want to reconcile. I never wanted a divorce, even when I was having the A. I just couldn't take the way things were anymore and I was rebuffed at every turn. When my H found out about it and wanted to reconcile, I was SO MAD. I couldn't believe he wanted to fix things when I was "finally happy". I thought I had tried everything to make things work before that ..but I didn't try the 5 Love Languages and my H was feeling unloved so he didn't want to try which led me to give up hope, etc. My point is that even if he really wants your M to work, he may be afraid to give up OW because he may think what I did, which was "what if I let this chance at happiness go and my M goes back to the way it was?" The dilemma is very real and, usually in the A, they haven't experienced any negatives or real life issues so that makes it even harder.
You want to keep on detaching. Be friendly, show some interest in his work, but make you own plans (I know you are through what you said about GAL), not plans with him unless they are really necessary (for the kids, etc). I was the one who didn't come back to the M right away but once my H was finally fed up with my BS and I KNEW he was gone, I found DB/DR and started to do what I needed to. Before that, he was too available to me. He would get upset about how things were and withdraw but within a week or two or three, we would be talking again and acting 'normal'. As soon as we were, I was out again. When he finally got tired of this, I realized I was actually losing him for good and I knew I had to do what I could to fix it because I didn't want to. It took me realizing I was really going to lose him to figure it all out. Even after the A and all we had been through, it was years before I really felt he was done and was leaving. Prior to that, I didn't feel it so I had no incentive to change. If you are right there, ready to get back in, he isn't going to feel that loss and it may keep him away longer. I'm sure it isn't this way for everyone but it was for me and it was for several other people I know.
My H and I reconciled and we are still together. It isn't alway great but it is definitely better than it was. I believe he is over the A, or is over it as much as you can get over it, and he isn't brought it up in years. There is always hope!
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Lovethehub, your message to Photo really resonated with me! My goodness, you've practically said the exact same thing my H has said. He's mad because I didn't start changing until he'd already given up. I didn't realize D was on the table, or I might have made changes earlier...who knows at this point?
He's involved with an EA (at the least) with someone else, but recently agreed to MC. I'm not holding out much hope at this point, but don't know what else to do except keep working on me and see where this goes. I'm really angry he refuses to give up his friendship with OW. How on earth can we fix things while he's still involved with her? I just don't see it, but he keeps saying it's not what I think...maybe he'll clue me in at some point.
Thanks for your post, even though it wasn't directed at me. It was exactly what I needed to hear!
Judy, my H kept saying the same thing about OW, that it wasn't what I think. He kept saying it was just a "really nice friendship", yet when he read an article about EA's he admitted that it described it exactly.
