Early this year, we faced another crisis in our marriage. It was the same issue again. He was angry at the way I had tried to resolve the issue on my end without consulting him. I had avoided consulting him because he was easily stressed by these unexpected issues in life.
And it was angry/ violent outburst number 2. This time, it lasted at least 2 hours, and all the neighbours were outside the house, worried about my safety. I knew that if I had given the slightest indication of fear or alarm, the police would have been called. To say that my kid and I were terrified would have been to make the understatement of the year. I still get sick to my stomach when I think of my kid cowering behind the door, too scared to even close the door to the room.
To cut a long story short, I filed for a divorce when I saw that it was going down the same route of pushing all the blame on me. I was scared and confused because the magnitude of this 2nd outburst was many many times that of the previous one. He really snapped. I didn't know what had caused him to snap and I was scared that I would trigger another outburst.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
A week after I had served him the papers, I had second thoughts. I wanted to try separation instead of divorce, and work things out. For the sake of my kid and because for some perverted reasons that I still can't figure out, I still had feelings for him. I started remembering the good in our marriage and my heart softened.
I asked if he wanted a reconciliation and he flat out refused me. It was only about a month later that I suspected something fishy as he didn't sound like himself. He kept asking me to wish him well and said that he wished me well.
I finally caught on and demanded to know who the OW was. He admitted but wouldn't tell me who it was. He said that they had only started the affair after he was served with the divorce papers. I suspected that it was a colleague and he finally fessed up.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
In the months leading up to the divorce, there were lots of false hopes. I suggested reconciliation again, and he said that he would consider. And then he said that he would take his chances with the OW because she made him feel good and feel like a man.
I then did all the things that I wasn't supposed to. I pleaded, I cried, I pointed out all the good things in the marriage, I told him that I would change. I wrote him hundreds of emails and letters. I sang and recorded him songs. I basically had no pride left.
Just when I was going to let go of the marriage, he came back and asked me what I would do to reconcile. I was wary of getting my hopes up again but I decided to listen to what he had to say.
Basically, the talk was all about his terms. He told me more about the OW, about how his family had met the OW and loved her. They were angry with me and he told me that I would have to suck it up. He said he didn't want to be in a SSM anymore. And then he dropped the bomb again. He didn't want to drop the divorce.
I was angry, hurt and frankly speaking, quite humiliated. He was annoyed by my lack of enthusiasm. I told him to give me some time to think about it.
The next time we talked, I asked him more about what he was going to do with the OW. He said that he had told her about his decision. They would remain as good friends. And that was when something snapped in me. I told him that he would have to cut off all contact with the OW, that one couldn't and didn't sleep with good friends. If he didn't want to cut off contact with her, then I would have to have access to his phone.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
At that point in time, I hadn't read any of the self-help books yet. But like what's written in one of them, this need to have the OW totally out of our lives is instinctive. I knew that there was no way our marriage could heal as long as she was in the picture.
I told him that it was either that or he would have to give me access to his phone, and he would also have access to mine.
This got him angry and he wasn't happy that I was talking terms with him. To him, I should be dying from happiness that he was even willing to consider salvaging the marriage.
I asked him what he would do if she approached him again. He said that he would tell me. When I probed what would happen if he found that he couldn't let go of his feelings for her, he said that I could then apply for divorce against him using adultery as a reason.
I was devastated. On hindsight, I realise that he wasn't and probably still isn't ready to let go of the OW and start on working on the marriage.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I am sure I am reading too much into this but my latest purchase of M self-help books was sent to the X matrimonial home. My kid passed them to me when dropped off by XH. I am sure that I had chosen my rental address for shipping. Is this a sign that maybe I shouldn't just drop the rope yet?
Ah, this is purely self indulgence.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I admit that I am rather impatient and can come across as critical and curt, ironically and especially to the ones nearest and dearest to me. I see it as my duty to help them with their problems but I guess I have to realise that not everyone wants me to save them or point out what they could have done better.
After reading the 5LL, I realised that his top 2 needs were words of affirmation and physical touch. Mine were acts of service and quality time. Which explains why I always felt like a piece of furniture/ meat to him. And why he always recoiled when I wanted him to talk to me and share more about himself with me.
And the deepest cut? The fact that he was a good friend with the OW for years. He could talk to her and confide in her when I was begging him to do the same with me. I even remember asking him what he talked to his colleagues about and why he couldn't talk about the same things with me.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
And it was angry/ violent outburst number 2. This time, it lasted at least 2 hours, and all the neighbours were outside the house, worried about my safety. I knew that if I had given the slightest indication of fear or alarm, the police would have been called. To say that my kid and I were terrified would have been to make the understatement of the year. I still get sick to my stomach when I think of my kid cowering behind the door, too scared to even close the door to the room.
Girlonf, this concerns me a great deal. I probably would be asking for a restraining order instead of trying to reconcile. You say that outburst #2, was far more violent than outburst #1. What happens with #3? Please be very careful, for the sake of yourself, and most importantly, for the sake of your child. Your child's safety is more important than your M. Your H has a lot of work to do, and it has nothing to do with you. So continue with your path, fix what needs to be fixed in you, but realize that you can't fix your H, he has to do that.
