Five Years Ago Today

[tadpole1025]

Thanks AJ, Peace, Job and Gwen.

There isn't anything new with me. I just wanted to post a response about the "shark eyes."

Yes, it is very creepy to me. I have read many times on this board about changes in the eyes. I have thought for a while now that X's eyes looked a little different, but when I actually got a chance to look at a close up picture, I REALLY noticed it. As I said, it was creepy and kind of gave me chills. It was almost like looking at someone else inside her body. The shell is there, but someone else is living inside.....

Tad

[Drew]

Me - I'm becoming a different person. This has changed me so much. Not that I was a bad person before....I'm just a better person now. I should actually thank XW. I like who I've become and am becoming. I have an enormous amount of compassion for animals and find the greatest joy in the smallest of things. I appreciate everything. Sometimes, even though this hurt like Hell, I think that maybe I was supposed to go through this. It's made me better/stronger.

This? This stuff? This is REALLY good Tad. I mean it, you sound SO much better than you used to. Good job. It's not easy but the only way through, is through.

The rest? Meh.

Let her go, Tad. Let her go. Stop letting her take up precious space in your head.

There's an old Polish proverb: Nie mój cyrk, nie moje malpy.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Drew. I appreciate it.

Just updating:

I'm doing ok. I still struggle with getting out of the house. It really is a STRUGGLE. I fight with myself every weekend. The only social life I have is at work. But...I am going to see the new Star Wars movie on Tuesday. All four of my boys are going with me. It'll be a nice treat to do something as an "almost" family.

Speaking of my job, I'm getting a promotion and new hours on January 30th. They really seem to like me here. It's going really well. With the promotion, I'll now actually be doing the troubleshooting when a station goes down. I work for a major satellite tv company and it will be my job to diagnose outages and get the station back on the air. You know when you see "we are having technical difficulties" on your tv screens? That's me. Haha. It's a heck of a promotion. I'll be responsible for over 8,100 stations. Lots of stress, but fun.

S29 is no longer on speaking terms with XW. Sad really, but this is her mess. Apparently, around Thanksgiving, S29's fiancée made it known that she was uncomfortable around OM. XW went nuts and is now no longer talking to S29 or his fiancée. It is sad because S29 was the one that atleast had a little to do with her. Now, she has virtually no relationship with any of my sons. She used to be such a wonderful mother.

My lady friend at work is amazing. I only see her once a week with my schedule, but on that day when we are done working, we will usually walk and talk for about an hour before heading home. She has really started to open up to me about a few things which tells me that she is starting to trust me. She is having a hard time today. She sent a message telling me that her grandmother died this morning. She was very close to her grandmother like I was. I feel bad for her and....kind of honored that she messaged me and let me know.

I've made up my mind on the trip I want to take next year. I want to go on a whale watching cruise. I just need to decide if I want to go to Hawaii or Alaska.

Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!

Tad

[HaWho]

Hi Tadpole - About the struggle to get out of the house, as you know, the hardest part is just to motivate to do it. However, if you can set a schedule of walking 1 hour/day you will feel so much better. Then, you will start to have more energy. Try to do this no matter what (walk indoors if it's too hot) and after several days you will start to feel better.

Physical exertion will clear your head and make you sleep better, too. Take care of yourself. You deserve it.

Kudos on the promotion!

[job]

Hi Tad!
Congratulations on the upcoming promotion. I'm so happy to read that your management likes you and recognizes you for your work.

As for your lady friend...continue to be a friend that listens. She's got some trust issues, but it appears that she's starting to feel comfortable in sharing w/you. I'm very sorry about her grandmother. It's going to take a toll on her, especially w/the holidays right around the corner.

I'm sorry about your son not speaking to the XW, but I'm not surprised. Your XW is starting to face the consequences of her actions...however, Tad, stay on your side of the street and allow her to clean up her own mess in her own time, if ever.

I think it's wonderful that you and your sons are getting together to go see Star Wars. That should be fun for all of you.

You've got a difficult decision to make, i.e., Hawaii or Alaska. Both are beautiful and there is so much to see. Mother Nature has out done herself in both areas.

Tad, HaWho has posted a very nice posting to you and hopefully you think about what she posted.

Happy Holidays to you and your family!

[tadpole1025]

Thank you Job and HaWho. I appreciate it.

I am starting to walk more. It's not much but it is something.

XW and S29 are still not talking. None of our sons saw her on Christmas.

There is something that I want to share...

This may be a lengthy post and I apologize.

I’ve discovered/realized something about myself in the last few weeks.

I’ll explain:

When I was about 10 or 11 years old, I was in my library at my elementary school. I stumbled across a book by Jacques Cousteau. I thought the book looked interesting so I checked it out. I became extremely fascinated by him and the work that he did. If you are not familiar with him, do a quick search on the internet. Basically, he was an explorer, conservationist, filmmaker, innovator, scientist, photographer, author and researcher who studied the sea and all forms of life in water. He pioneered marine conservation. Anyways, I would read this book and look at all of the pictures in it. It was a book with pictures of the ocean and the life in it with descriptions of the creatures in the pictures. I would look at the pictures in the book for hours. Eventually, I ended up doing a book report on the book. Later, I found as many books by him as I could. The whole ocean/sea life thing really fascinated me. I read many of his books.

Funny thing is: I had forgotten about all of the above until just recently.

A year or two later, the dog that I grew up with died. It was my first experience with death and I remember crying for a few days. I also remember my stepdad telling me that it was “just a dog” and telling me that I was a “p*ssy for crying over an animal.” (Yeah, I know. He was an ass.) I think it was around this time that I kind of forgot about Jacques Cousteau….or maybe just pushed him way back in my mind because I didn’t want to be a “p*ssy” for crying over animals or getting attached to them. I never thought about Mr. Cousteau or his work ever again. I don’t think I did it intentionally…it just happened.

A few weeks ago, I was on the internet looking at pictures of whales, penguins, dolphins, seals, seahorses, sea turtles…I was just looking. Then, I saw the credits on one of the pictures. It said: Jacques Cousteau. There he was. That’s when I remembered: “Hey I really used to be into this stuff.” I also remembered being in that library as a young boy and stumbling across that very first book. I couldn’t believe how I had just “forgotten” him and who I used to be. Like I said, I think I just pushed him far back into my mind because “who cries over animals” or “they’re just animals” or “don’t be a p*ssy.” I COMPLETELY forgot about him. I think I actually changed who I was because I didn’t want to be considered “weak” by my stepdad. (He was in the military for 25 years.)

A few days ago, someone asked about my FB page and wanted to know why there were all the pictures of animals on there. I really didn’t have an answer except for the fact that I like animals. Then, I went on my FB page and went back as far as I could. It was weird. You can actually see me becoming a different person. My posts went from:

Everyday stuff

to…

Everyday stuff with a few posts of my rats thrown in

to…

Posts about my rats with some everyday stuff thrown in

to….

Posts mostly about my rats

to….

Only posts about my rats

to…

Posts about my rats with some other animal stuff thrown in

to…

Animal stuff with some everyday stuff thrown in

to….

Mostly posts about animals and sea life

to…

Mostly posts about sea life.

If you look at my FB page, it is painfully obvious that I have become a different person. My XW’s crisis also changed me. It changed me A LOT. I guess the point that I am trying to make is….I think I am slowly becoming that young boy again…..someone that I lost or had forgotten about. A boy that was truly fascinated by the oceans, sea life and photos of sea life. I think about it all the time. I have a desire or maybe even a need to get back to the ocean and sea the Orcas and seals. (I grew up in Monterey and could see the ocean from my house.) I’d see sea lions sometimes eating clams while floating on a bunch of seaweed. I could feed sea gulls at my school at lunch. The smell of the ocean was always in the air. I guess what I’m trying to say is….somehow I got lost. I GOT LOST. I’m becoming the person that I was or was even maybe MEANT to be.

Has anyone else ever experienced something like this or am I going through a midlife crisis myself? I have no desire to go get a fancy sports car or drop everything and find a new life or chase a bunch of women. I’m just slowly becoming the person that I used to be. Not sure if it is good or bad, but wanted to post here and get your thoughts…

Tad

[job]

Tad,
I visited your FB page and I have to say that the photos are beautiful and you definitely have a love of the sea, but not only that...all animals.

You are starting to rediscover the person that you once were. In many instances, when we grow up, go to college, work a job, marry and have children, bits and pieces of us are put aside and sometimes forgotten. When a crisis happens, it truly forces us to take another look at ourselves, both in the here and now, as well as the past. It also gives us an opportunity to figure who we want to be and possibly a path is revealed to us along the way.

In my opinion, no you aren't having your own MLC. You are just rediscovering the man you once were and that man loved nature and all animals...but the sea is very calming and you felt a kinship w/Jacques Cousteau. I, too, remember his documentaries and his books. Very fascinating! It's something to think about rediscovering once again, i.e., reading his books, watching his documentaries, etc.

Tad, I think you may finally be finding the Tad that we all knew was deep inside of you. Keep up the good work!

[AJM]

Agreed. Wholeheartedly!


AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Job and AJ. I have to wonder if it is healthy though. I mean, to give an example of how I've changed:

I used to be a HUGE fan of the tv show "Deadliest Catch" about Alaskan crab fishermen. When I got the bomb, I had no desire to watch it. I've tried to watch it since but can't because of the poor crabs. Pathetic? I don't know. I've changed in a very big way. I'm not complaining because I like the changes, but I guess I'm just surprised that I've changed in this way.

Funny stuff:

XW texted our sons yesterday and wished them Merry Christmas...on the 27th! She kind of gave them attitude because only S23 texted her on Christmas Day and wished her a Merry Christmas. But....like S29 said: "It goes both ways."

She seems different though. Quiet and....not as angry with me, but angry as hell at S29. She hasn't talked to him since before Thanksgiving when they had the disagreement about OM. His fiancée feels uncomfortable around him and of course, XW hit the roof.

I could be wrong, but I think she may be entering a new phase...

My New Year's resolutions in no particular order:

1. Be smoke free.
2. Join a gym.
3. Move to a place closer to work.
4. Get dental work done.
5. See an Orca or Humpback in the wild.
6. Eat healthier.
7. Visit the beach.
8. Put money away every paycheck.
9. Pay off credit cards.
10. Start an exploratory committee for my 2020 presidential run!

Tad

[tadpole1025]

Hi everyone. Just wanted to come and update although there really isn't much new going on.

I still have a great relationship with my lady friend at work. It isn't a romantic relationship, but I'm happy with the way things are right now. Will it be romantic someday? I don't know and it really doesn't matter. Right now, I'm happy with the way it is.

S29 still isn't talking to XW.

Interesting: Since all of this began at the end of 2010, I've never heard anyone say what two of my sons BOTH told me on two separate occasions last week: both of them told me separately, that they don't think XW is happy.

Funny: On December 27th, XW texted sons to wish them Merry Christmas. TWO DAYS LATE. She did the same thing for New Year. On January 3rd, she texted them and wished them a Happy New Year. TWO DAYS LATE. I guess MLCers really do live in their own time zone, but TWO DAYS BEHIND????

I continue to do great at my job. My promotion happens on January 30th. I'll have 6 people under me and I'll be responsible for keeping over 8,000 television stations on the air and diagnosing and fixing problems when they go off the air. I've learned so much just in the last month while training.

I still continue to get physically sick whenever I see some poor animal suffering or being abused. I'm not sure why I'm like this now, but I've never been like this in the past. I get physically sick. It's weird. I want to get a dog when I get my own place, but I'm kind of afraid to. I'm afraid that I'll out-live it and have to deal with more sadness. I really can't take any more. It's kind of a crummy way to be, but that's me right now.

I'm talking to my sons next week in a "family meeting." We need to start making plans to move. I REALLY need my own place, but am also afraid of that as well. I've never been on my own. Went from living with parents to being married. I'm single now, but have 3 of my sons living with me. It's time for them to grow up and be men and it's time for me to be a man as well. I want my own place, but am also so afraid.

Anyways, that's it for now.

Tad